Any good jokes ... ?

[Alex H]

Two older women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first old lady said, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob-job."

The second woman replied, "Oh, that's nothing. I'm thinking of having my ar$ehole bleached!"

"Oh! Dear!" replied the first woman.

"I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

 

[Alex H]

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin,

Orders three pints of Guinness & sits in the corner of the room,

Drinking a sip out of each pint in turn.

When he had finished all three, He went back to the bar & ordered three more.

The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it .......... Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America ; & de odder in Australia ; & here I am in Dublin .. When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."

The barman admits that this is a nice custom & says no more.

Patrick becomes a regular customer, & always drinks the same way ....... Ordering three pints & drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.

One day, he comes in & orders just two pints.

All the other regulars in the bar notice & fall silent.

When he goes back to the bar for the second round,

The barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops & he starts to laugh,

"Oh no," he says, "Begorrah, everyone is fine !

Tis me, .......................... I've Quit Drinking !"

 

[Hitchington]

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

The pilot.

 

[Dirk]

 

[john59]

Two Crocodiles were sitting on the bank of the river Thames at Chiswick. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age. We were the same size as kids. And look at us now. I just don't get it.'
'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'
'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.
'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'
'Down the river near the car park by the Houses of Parliament.'
'Strange. Same here. Hmm.. How do you catch them?'
'Well, I crawl up under one of their Jaguar cars and wait for one to unlock
the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shoot out of
them and eat 'em!'
'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not
getting any real nourishment.
See, by the time you finish shaking the shoot
out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an peanut and a briefcase.'

 

[john59]

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weatherto the same villages and towns.When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a cheque for £50.At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.When they went downstairs, the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. As she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee, he noticed a quid coin in the saucer.'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but what's the quid for?''Well,' said the dumb blonde, 'Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you'.'I asked him what I should give you'.He said, 'F**k him. Give him a quid.'She smiled shyly and said, 'The breakfast was my idea

 

[Hitchington]

I call my Granddad "Spiderman".

He hasn't got any special powers, he just finds it difficult getting out of the bath.

 

[Hitchington]

I've got an inferiority complex.

But frankly, it's not a very good one.

 

[john59]

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The thin one leaned over and said, 'Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For £10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!' 'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a £10 note. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. Finally, the smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd. 'What happened?' asked her waiting friend. 'I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement'

 

[Louch]

According to new research, 1 in 4 hills are steep

( sorry if that's an obvious cycling joke that's already been done)

 

[Alex H]

I used to be very indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

 

[subaqua]

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

The pilot.

now this doesn't get pulled but my one about reserving ski slopes did......

 

[john59]

The Lone Ranger's Last Request

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaimed "So YOU are the great Lone Ranger!"
"In honour of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"
"What is your FIRST request?'

The Lone Ranger responds "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse. But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents but I will still kill you tomorrow."

"What is your LAST request ?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him squarely in the eye and says,

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"READ MY LIPS!

FOR... THE... LAST... TIME... "

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"BRING POSSE"

 

[Ron-da-Valli]

I googled the website: missing medieval servants and got:- page not found

 

[Smokin Joe]

FOR THE ATTENTION OF ALL MG ENTHUSIASTS:

The website "X Rated Midgets" contains no useful tuning tips whatsoever.