Any good jokes ... ?

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mrcunning

Über Member
My mother in law is always complaining about the price of things,
"£1.50 for cup of tea 75p for a custard cream"
I said"you popped round I never invited you"
 

screenman

Legendary Member
Everybody on Earth dies and goes to Heaven.
The Lord comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
Said and done, the next time The Lord looked, the women are gone and there are two lines.
The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
The Lord got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves! I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates! Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud! Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
 

screenman

Legendary Member
The Good Husband...


Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party.

Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste at all like alcohol.

He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.

And, next to them, a single red rose!!!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.

I love you, darling!
Love, Nancy

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, 'Son, what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M. drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door'.

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean. I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?'


His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,
'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'

???????????? Broken Coffee Table £239.99

???????????? Hot Breakfast £4.20

???? ??????? Two Aspirins £.38

???????????? Saying the right thing, at the right time;

ABSOLUTELY PRICELESS...
 

TVC

Guest
From Viz

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