Give me some dialogue from your day

[Salad Dodger]

I know one shouldn't listen to other people's conversations, and particularly not in a doctors waiting room. But there were plenty of seats available, and yet a middle aged and quite large couple proceeded to park themselves right next to me, gasping at the effort of having walked from the car park which must have been fully 30 yards away .....

The general conversation was about dieting, and the new diet that they have put themselves on. It proceeded for a while until he came up with this masterpiece...

Him (with no trace of sarcasm or irony in his voice at all): "Shall we have the low calorie lamb for lunch?"
Her: "No - we can have that tonight"
Pause
Him: "How about pork pie and coleslaw for lunch. What can we have with that?"

 

[Speicher]

Me: Oh you are adorable!
Him:
Me: Are you warm enough?
Him:
Me: Would you like some lunch?
Him:
Me: Would you like to go for a walk?
Him:
Me: What big ears you've got!
Him:
Me: Do you like cats?
Him:

Dexter's owner: Yes he does like cats. Gently fried if possible. He does not like other dogs.

 

[jhawk]

Dad's whistling away... Bittersweet Symphony by the Verve.

I come in and hijack his whistle...

"Stop! You couldn't carry a tune in a bucket... You also couldn't find your a*** with both hands and a map in a well-lit room..."

 

[jhawk]

"Why is there an ambulance at the funeral?"

"They're a bit late, aren't they?" *Shakes head while laughing hysterically and thinking about what a terrible human being I am...

 

[colly]

Last night putting 8yr old grand-daughter to bed.

GD: Grandad would you get me my tablet for the morning when I wake up?
Me: I didn't know you were on tablets?
GD: ?
Me Are they downstairs? Do you want a drink of water to take it with?
GD: Not that kind of tablet Grandad.

 

[Crackle]

Bloke with dogs

"Gabriel, Raphael, no, no, no, RAPH, NO. GABRIEL, RAPHAEL, NO, NO, NO, NO, HERE, NO, NO, NO!"

They were no angels

 

[IDMark2]

This morning. Wake up.
MrsD: Morning..it's a bit nesh this morning isn't it?
Me: Nesh?
MrsD: Nesh, it's a forest word.. Means a bit cold and drizzly (Forest of Dean, where she was brought up)
Me: Nah..you've made that up.
MrsD: No honest, it's a forest thing.
Me (Now in wind up mode): I reckon it's just a family thing...
MrsD (Now indignant.): No its not...Just ask my Mum!

 

[gbb]

Out for a walk with the grandaughters (8 and 5) this weekend, we're walking alongside a new development, big diggers and JCBs parked up everywhere..we come to the end of the path and there's a sign says. BEWARE PLANT CROSSING..
'Whats does it mean grandad..plant crossing ?'
'Cabbages..or daffodils..plants..its safe for them there '
'GRANDAD '

 

[gbb]

This morning. Wake up.
MrsD: Morning..it's a bit nesh this morning isn't it?
Me: Nesh?
MrsD: Nesh, it's a forest word.. Means a bit cold and drizzly (Forest of Dean, where she was brought up)
Me: Nah..you've made that up.
MrsD: No honest, it's a forest thing.
Me (Now in wind up mode): I reckon it's just a family thing...
MrsD (Now indignant.): No its not...Just ask my Mum!

Nesh was (and still may be) used In the 70s when we lived in Notts...cold..its a bit nesh.

 

[gbb]

Rafi, at work asks me....'Colin, you know a bit about electrics yeah ?'
'Err, yes'
He proceeds to draw a shed with another shed alongside, electric point and light switches that hes extending into the second shed .
'Ive extended these wires from here to there, but now my lights dont work '
'Dunno Rafi, I understand basic 3 phase and some home electrics but....'
'Yeah look, I wired this to that but blah blah blah'.
'Dunno mate, without even seeing it I couldnt even say'
'There were 4 wires, and one had no covering, I didnt connect that one'
'That sounds like your earth..you really want to connect that one Rafi, if you get a fault, it could leave it live'
'Yeah I did connect it, to the box '
(You didnt connect it , now you did ..and youre really not picking up on the vibes i dont know, i dont want to know and youre a chancer doing what youre doing..nice chap that you are otherwise)
'Ok, there's 4 wires because you have two switches for one light, but i havnt a clue which are which, i cant really help you mate'
'oh, ok'

he leaves..and my 19 year old colleague, who really Is light on experience says..
'he asked me all that yesterday ...i told him, he really should be getting an electrician to sort that out'
i closed with..
'Everyone want to try, but he didnt even draw his original connections, something to refer back to...pillock ?..and worse still, no offence, but hes asking YOU how to fix it..when youre only just starting to get your head round your job'

 

[perplexed]

Nesh was (and still may be) used In the 70s when we lived in Notts...cold..its a bit nesh.

It also means cold in Sheffield too...

 

[Pat "5mph"]

Riding home earlier on with @Ellebells through the dark park
Cyclist bike wheel off, fettling.
Me: evening, we are the Belles on Bikes, can we be of assistance?
Cyclist: ... ... NO!

 

[Crackle]

Riding home earlier on with @Ellebells through the dark park
Cyclist bike wheel off, fettling.
Me: evening, we are the Belles on Bikes, can we be of assistance?
Cyclist: ... ... NO!

As an opening line it would spook me too.

 

[welsh dragon]

Riding home earlier on with @Ellebells through the dark park
Cyclist bike wheel off, fettling.
Me: evening, we are the Belles on Bikes, can we be of assistance?
Cyclist: ... ... NO!

 

[ACS]

Our apprentice (17 years young) strolled in this morning and announced “I have decided to give up chocolate for Lindt!”

You mean ‘Lent’

What’s ‘Lent?’