Give me some dialogue from your day

[jhawk]

Our apprentice (17 years young) strolled in this morning and announced “I have decided to give up chocolate for Lindt!”

You mean ‘Lent’

What’s ‘Lent?’

Lent is for quitters! :P

 

[jhawk]

Me: "Hey, Dad. You should run in the "Run or Dye 5K" with me!

Dad: "What on earth makes you think I would want to run?" He continues...

"Hello, my name's Andrew, I don't think we've ever met! I'll be brightly coloured alright! My cheeks will be blue, and my legs will be brown where I've crapped myself because I've ran five kilometres and DIED!"

Me: "So, I take it you don't want to enter, then?"

 

[jhawk]

Dad answers the phone, it's his boss.

"Hello, IT. Have you tried turning it off and on again?"

 

[gbb]

Work is about 1.5 miles as the crow flies from a parachute centre. We look out from the workshop onto a fen landscape..and if I have my glasses on, I can see the parachuters exit from the plane, plummet for about 10 seconds, chute open, then they float down to the airfield.
im watching this dot, plummeting downward, the chute opens...and a dark shape continues to plummet from the chute....i say to my colleague..
'Jesus, i hope thats not something going wrong '

'it' continued to plummet for another 5 seconds...what seemed an eternity...and then another parachute opened.
i think what happened was there were two guys close to each other, one pulled, the other fell further before pulling. It looked scary for those what seemed endless seconds...
I ended with..'thank fcuk for that'

Later...talking with the line supervisor, i asked
'who else needed training on some new machinery '
'who has just been done ?'
'Donatas' (Lithuanian machine op)
'..you mean Renatas' (another Lithuanian machine op)
'No, Donatas'
'No, Its Renatas'
'Eh, then why does Renatas wear a high viz with Donatas written on it ?'
'He probably cant find his so he wears Donatas'
Me...'Jesus, I struggle remembering everyones name as It is, without that kind of thing

 

[jhawk]

Dad: "How's everything?" (He's away for the day)

Me: "Not bad! Nobody has been sick or crapped themselves, as tends to happen when I'm home with the dogs."

Dad: "Stop eating spicy food and go to the toilet before you go to bed, and it should stop."

Me: "NOT ME! Our four legged friends!"

Dad: "We only have four friends with legs?"

Me: -___________________-

 

[Pat "5mph"]

Woman on pavement to cyclist waiting at a red light. "Can I just commend you for respecting the stop line? So many cyclists don't."

Lights change, cyclist rides off shaking his head slightly.

Was the cyclist you? Instead of the head shake a "why, thank you!" would have been nice.
The real "nice way" code

 

[jhawk]

Dad's friend: "Sesame Street, you guys didn't get that in the UK, right?"

Dad: "Sesame Street... yeah, we had that in the UK. We watched it to dumb us down for when we were speaking to Colonies."...

"BADUM TISSSSSSS*

 

[jhawk]

Several years ago... There's a funeral going on across the road.

Me: "They've had a lot of bad luck... Haven't they?"

Dad: "Whose that?"

Me: "The Thompsons... every time a hearse pulls up there's always a 'Thompson' on the coffin..."

Dad: "That's because... my dear boy, that's name of the funeral company." I have never felt so stupid...

 

[Crackle]

My near neighbour who had the minor stroke a while back. His memory still flickers but he no longer calls me Des.

Him: All right, you all right?
Me: yep, you?
Him: I was just talking to that bloke across the road. I asked him if I knew him, he said no. So I asked him did he know me, he said no. Which is funny 'cause I didn't know him.
him: He's lived down the road all his life, like.
him: Good to know, I didn't know him, you know.
Him: Anyway...

The thing is, I knew exactly what he meant.

 

[fimm]

Colleague1: I've been fighting, I mean working, with X on Y
Colleague2: How is it going?
Colleague1, obviously frustrated: They're so far off course they've found that missing Malaysian aeroplane...

 

[jhawk]

Brushing the dog... He's malting, so his coat is coming off like it's going out of fashion...

Dad: "Wow. He's the ever-sheddy dog!"

Me: "I know, you could knit a small Corgi with it!"

 

[Supersuperleeds]

Out on my ride today:

Me: (to lad at front of tandem "Mate, she isn't pedalling"

We [ass each other and I hear her shout at him; "I am pedalling"

I nearly fell off laughing as she told him off, poor bugger must have turned round and bollocked her

 

[Spinney]

Out on my ride today:

Me: (to lad at front of tandem "Mate, she isn't pedalling"

We [ass each other and I hear her shout at him; "I am pedalling"

I nearly fell off laughing as she told him off, poor bugger must have turned round and bollocked her

You barsteward!

 

[gbb]

Me to colleague...
'I was putting my feet on this morning...err..'
colleague...

Later...

5 warehouse guys are stood looking across the panorama, watching the lorry theyre waiting to load...disappearing down a lane that runs past our factory..the drivers missed the turning...
me to them...
'haha, get yer forklift and chase after him '
Giving back as good, one shouts back...
'i heard he's an engineer as well, bloody useless '(a sideswipe at me)
not wanting to be beaten...i replied...
'nah, he couldnt drink enough tea ?..anyway, split it up guys, it looks embarrasing, all you lot stood there..hands rustling about In your pockets

 

[Arch]

Mate at work: I've got this enormous purple ...

Me: *raise eyebrows*

Mate:...sprouting broccoli on the allotment.

General giggles all round.