Joke time !!!!

[litespeeder]

A Brummie goes to Ground Zero in New York one year after 9/11. Whilst there, he sees a fireman paying his respects. The Brummie says to him, "there were a lot of people that were very proud of what you guys did".

"Thanks buddy," the fireman replies.
"You lot were bloody brave," the Brummie says.
"Thanks. Where are you from anyhow?" the fireman asks.
"Birmingham," he replies.
"Birmingham? What state's that in?" asks the fireman.

The Brummie looks around and replies, "about the same as this really..."

 

[alecstilleyedye]

 

[Globalti]

An American was standing in the rain in Oxford Street waiting for a bus. Rain was dripping down his neck and he was frozen. An Englishman next to him turned, smiled and exclaimed "Lovely weather we're having!"

The American puzzled about this all the way home until suddenly a thought struck him: "Gee.. This must be the famous English IRONY that everybody talks about! I'll have to try some IRONY when I get back to Texas."

A week later he is barbecueing in the yard with his family when he realises he's burned the sausages. Realising this is a good opportunity to try some irony he turns to his wife, smiles and says: "Lovely weather we're having, Honey!"

 

[litespeeder]

Another one just for the council workers !!!!!!!!!

A guy goes to the local Council to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes" he says. "I was in the Lebanon for three years."

The interviewer says "That will give you extra points towards employment" and then asks, " Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes 100%.....a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "Ok you're hired. The hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm. You can start tomorrow, come in at 10.00am."

The guy is puzzled and asks "If the hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm then why do you want me to come in at 10.00am"

The interviewer replies "This is a council job, for the first 2 hours we sit around scratching our balls; there's no point you coming in for that".

 

[Greedo]

An American was standing in the rain in Oxford Street waiting for a bus. Rain was dripping down his neck and he was frozen. An Englishman next to him turned, smiled and exclaimed "Lovely weather we're having!"

The American puzzled about this all the way home until suddenly a thought struck him: "Gee.. This must be the famous English IRONY that everybody talks about! I'll have to try some IRONY when I get back to Texas."

A week later he is barbecueing in the yard with his family when he realises he's burned the sausages. Realising this is a good opportunity to try some irony he turns to his wife, smiles and says: "Lovely weather we're having, Honey!"

this thread said joke time. Not just a random story

 

[Maz]

litespeeder...Are you still getting free sky footie or have they pulled the plug on it?

(that's not a joke, btw. I'm referring to one of his earlier threads)

 

[litespeeder]

litespeeder...Are you still getting free sky footie or have they pulled the plug on it?

(that's not a joke, btw. I'm referring to one of his earlier threads)

Sorry about the no reply, I've been away on hols for 2 weeks, but upon return -you guessed it no more freeby, I recall someone quoting it was over in that thread later on.

I'll be quicker if I hear of any others but keep an eye on the (legal) web streams that occasionally pop up on www.liveonsat.com

 

[mr_hippo]

The 11th Husband....
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her
new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement and design a new state of the art method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband # 9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........ God I miss him!
" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited."
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?"
"You're with the GOVERNMENT, this time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED ."

 

[Maz]

Sorry about the no reply, I've been away on hols for 2 weeks, but upon return -you guessed it no more freeby, I recall someone quoting it was over in that thread later on.

I'll be quicker if I hear of any others but keep an eye on the (legal) web streams that occasionally pop up on www.liveonsat.com

Shame about the free football, but thanks for the link.

 

[ACS]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,

'You Sign! You sign!'

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,

'You Sign! You sign!'

Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again.

When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.

He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,

'You sign! You sign!'

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:

'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.

On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,

'You sign! You sign!'

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:

'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong
name!

Who do you want to give these to?'

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:



'You not Nissan Main Deala?'