Possibly an old joke but made me laugh

[WindyRob]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Push off", and shuts the door in his face. The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, push off ! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again. The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinaman thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?" The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "You not Nissan Maindealer?"

The sun is out i'm off for a ride, hope this makes you smile!!

Windy

 

[WindyRob]

and another:

A lady goes into a pet shop and sees three parrots for sale......
one is £100 another is £200 the third is £15..
Why is that one so cheap she asks.........oh he used to live in a brothel and is very rude..
Thinking this could be fun the lady buys him.......

On arriving home the Parrot says.......f*** me a new brothel.......the lady laughs
The ladies two daughters come in. the parrot says...f*** me new prostitutes....the three women laugh
Just then the husband walks in and the parrots....f*** me aint seen you for weeks......

Windy

 

[thomas]

hahaa, never heard that before, but will be sharing it today!

 

[Dayvo]

Both are good, the second one was new to me.

 

[on the road]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Push off", and shuts the door in his face. The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, push off ! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again. The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinaman thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?" The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "You not Nissan Maindealer?"

The sun is out i'm off for a ride, hope this makes you smile!!

Windy

Taxi for WindyRob

 

[Keith Oates]

No. 2 was the one that made me chuckle the most!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Deleted member 1258]

How about some old stories

How To Kill An Eel


Little Tommy was 7 years old and like other boys his age was rather curious.
He had heard a lot about courting and wondered what it was like, how it was done. He took his question to his mother, who became flustered, so instead of explaining it to him she told him to hide behind the curtains and watch his sister and her boyfriend. He did this and the following morning, explained to his mother what he had seen.
Sis and her boyfriend turned of the lights and then sat down. He then started hugging her and kissing her. Sis must have been getting sick as her face went funny, her boyfriend knew this because he put his hand up her blouse to feel her heart, but it took a long time to find it. I guess he was getting sick too because they both started panting and getting out of breath. I think his other hand must have been getting cold because he put it up her skirt, about this time Sis got worse and started to moan and groan and move to the end of the couch and she was really getting hot.
Finally, I found out what was really making them sick, a big eel had got in his pants. It just jumped out of his pants and it stood there about 10 inches long HONEST!!!! Anyway he just grabbed it to stop it escaping.
When Sis saw this she started to call God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she had ever seen. I should tell her about the ones down the lake. Sis got brave and tried to kill it by biting its head of.
All of a sudden she made a noise and let go. I guess it bit her back. She then grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and pulled it over its head to stop it from biting.
Sis laid back and opened her legs so she could get a scissor hold on it, and her boyfriend helped her lying on top of it. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started moaning and squealing, and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they were trying to squash it between them. After a while they both quit moving and let out a big sigh, her boyfriend got up and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it was hanging there limp. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but went back to their courting. Anyway, she started kissing him back again and bugger me, the bloody eel wasn't dead, it jumped back up and started fighting again.
I guess eels are like cats, they have nine lives or something. This time Sis got up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it.
After they had struggled for about three quarters of an hour they finally killed it. I know this because Sis's boyfriend skinned it and flushed it down the toilet.





BIONIC FRED


This is the tale of young Freddy Blor,
Whose sexual equipment got jammed in a door,
By the time they had freed him he didn't feel well,
For his poor private parts were all mangled to hell,
They rushed him to hospital, the ambulance flew,
But when they arrived there was nothing they could do,
A sad blow for Fred, condemned without choice,
To a life with no sex and a high squeaky voice,
But lucky for Fred, so he wouldn't feel a fool,
Some bright spark suggested a bionic tool,
A smart new electric one made out of brass,
Though the batteries would have to be kept up his arse,
So newly equipped and after a rest,
Fred thought he would put his new tool to the test,
So finding a woman, the nearest one handy
He plied her with drink and made her feel randy,
The girl without waiting put her hand to Fred's flies,
When she felt what was there she gave a cry of surprise,
Said Fred that is my bionic chopper, now lets have some fun,
Cor blimy she said, It felt like a gun.
They both stripped of quick and Fred entered her fast
And he turned up the speed knob and gave her full blast,
They clutched each other and Freds dick shook more and more,
They shook of the bed and rolled on the floor,
Now the pace hotted up and they both started to choke,
As the air in the room became filled with blue smoke,
With a bang! Freds left bollock shot up in the air,
And his other one went clankety clank down the stair,
So back for repair went poor Fred full of woe,
Was this how his sex life was destined to go,
A return to the doctors at the end of each shag,
With his prick in his pocket and his balls in a bag,
But they fixed young Fred up, made him manly again,
And helped out the batteries with a flex from the mains,
So if he can't get a girl now lucky Fred doesn't cry,
Cos he's now AC/DC and can go with a guy.

 

[on the road]

Another old joke.



The young Indian boy had spent most of his life in a quandry... He felt different yet... couldn't figure why... he was just so depressed. He went to the Chief for answers... He asked the chief how his brother Red Deer Running had gotten his name...

The chief answered in his typically poetic way..."When Red Deer Running was born, at the moment of his birth, the first thing his mother saw was a beautiful deer running off into the forest... and so Running Deer was named. It is the custom of our tribe to name the offspring according to the spirits in nature visiting upon the birth."

Then, the boy said to the Chief... And how did my sister "Thundering Bird" get her name? The chief described again, how at the moment of her birth Thundering Bird's mother had heard a roar of thunder and looking up, saw a bird flying in the sky...

The boy asked again, how his cousin "White Crouching Bear" had been given such a name... And the chief, looking down once more at the boy, explaining the traditions of their tribe.... White Bear's mother had seen a rare white bear crouched over a stream at the moment her baby's birth. Then he asked the boy...


"Why do you ask, Two Dogs F*cking?"

 

[PaulB]

Did you hear about the interior decorator and his wife who rolled out of bed onto the floor at the climax of sex as they preferred a matt finish?

 

[Mayniac]

...or the Gynaecologist who painted the hall, stairs and landing through the letterbox...

 

[ACS]

A woman was walking down Park Road in Liverpool when she saw a small sign in a shop window, “Clitoris licking frog for hire, apply within”.
So the lady, thinking to herself, I will have some of that, enters the shop and says to the bloke behind the counter “I have to would like to hire the frog please”.
To which the bloke replies “Bonjour “


I’ll get my coat

 

[on the road]

Are you a frog then?

 

[Dayvo]

Are you a frog then?

I think he's just a tongue twister! :?:

 

[Cubist]

Two brothers, circus dwarves, won five grand on the scratchcards. Determined not to invest it or anything serious, they decided to blow it all on a night of passion with a couple of top class prostitutes in a posh hotel. So they booked adjoining suites in the Dorchester, and got a couple of "grand-a-night" callgirls in to help.

One of the brothers was struggling however. No matter what he or the girl tried to do, he just couldn't "rise to the occasion" and all the time he was trying, and all the time she was trying, all he could hear from his brother in the room next door was "One, two, three, hup! One, two, three, hup!"

Next morning his brother came down to breakfast to find him with his head in his hands. "What a waste of money that was!" he said. "We spent all that money and I couldn't even get a hard-on!"

"It's alright for you," said his brother "I couldn't even get on the ****ing bed!"

 

[ACS]

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.
The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'