Uncle Drago's agony column

[Drago]

Dear Drago,

I had a bit of an accident recently and I am wondering if I should look for some compensation.

You see, I sat on a wall, and I had great fall and broke a few things. There was no warning signs telling me it was dangerous to sit on the wall. Surely, that is a bit negligent?

Furthermore, when I went to get medical treatment for my injuries, I found myself being treated by all the King's horses and all the King's men and they couldn't put me together again.

Surely that is medical incompetence and why are there no doctors and nurses in the hospital? Why am I being treated by horses in the first place? Surely I have a case against the hospital for such negligence as employing horses rather than trained medical staff. Although, I must admit the horses seem more intelligent than the King's men, but their bedside manner is a little unpredictable.

Do you think I would have a good case? Can you recommend a suitable solicitor?

Yours faithfully,
Mr. H. Dumpty

Dear Omelette,

You do have a problem, eh? Still, nothing that a few minutes being scrambled in the frying pan with a pinch of salt and pepper should see me right.

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I would like your honest opinion on a love poem I have penned, which I have entitled 'Lily'

Oh dearest Lily
You make me feel silly
I thought you were fabby
In Downton Abbey
Be a good chooser
And dump all those losers
Because you would look mint
Sat in my Dolomite Sprint

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I would like your honest opinion on a love poem I have penned, which I have entitled 'Lily'

Oh dearest Lily
You make me feel silly
I thought you were fabby
In Downton Abbey
Be a good chooser
And dump all those lovers
Because you would look mint
Sat in my Dolomite Sprint

Dear angst ridden teenager,

What you need is a healthy dose of Clearspasil. Perhaps a litre.

Whatever you do, be sure to drink it and put us out of your misery.

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

My election campaign is going very well but I have run into another issue. I was told by my PR manager that it would be me look intelligent to sit in a café reading so I gave it a go but it hasn't really worked.

Having my picture all over the media of me sitting in the café reading The Beano has made me a laughing stock. I couldn't help it as I couldn't wait to see the latest adventure of Dennis the Menace.

When I realised what had happened, I took out my Sun and started reading it when they took my photo checking out the page three girl. This hasn't gone down well either.

I also think the Mickey Mouse tie may have been a mistake.

What do you think would be suitable reading material to tell the electorate I'm the person they need to vote for?


Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

 

[Drago]

Dear Binface,

The Beano is a bit of a lefty rag. You'll note how all the heroes, such as Keir the Minx, Keir Whizz, and the Bash Street Starmers always defeat Boris the swot and Nigel the shouty kid.

But not to worry. Prop up a copy of The Professionals annual 1979 edition and you will be marked out as a man of action, a man to be reckoned with. Except in Scotland, where you would be considered a woman,

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Uncle Dragnet

I am in a quandary as to who to vote for at the forthcoming election (whenever Rishi boy gets round to calling one).

You see, local velo celebrity, Aubrey Tyred, has been very "out there", strutting his stuff and getting to "know his people".

Thing is, I saw him in our local drug dealers, sorry, cafe, the other day, and he was reading a copy of The Sun newspaper. Now, as far as I'm aware, he's a Reform Candidate, and I was surprised to see him reading such a lefty woke rag. Anyway, imagine my further surprise, when I saw that it was a copy from 2014, with the "certain" page still on show.

Now, when I questioned him on this, he seemed somewhat flustered, and said he was trying to look up an old article on tractors?

Should I report him to the local Community Warden? ... and to think I was going to vote for him!

Right Wing Maggie from Middle Wallop.

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Dragnet

I am in a quandary as to who to vote for at the forthcoming election (whenever Rishi boy gets round to calling one).

You see, local velo celebrity, Aubrey Tyred, has been very "out there", strutting his stuff and getting to "know his people".

Thing is, I saw him in our local drug dealers, sorry, cafe, the other day, and he was reading a copy of The Sun newspaper. Now, as far as I'm aware, he's a Reform Candidate, and I was surprised to see him reading such a lefty woke rag. Anyway, imagine my further surprise, when I saw that it was a copy from 2014, with the "certain" page still on show.

Now, when I questioned him on this, he seemed somewhat flustered, and said he was trying to look up an old article on tractors?

Should I report him to the local Community Warden? ... and to think I was going to vote for him!

Right Wing Maggie from Middle Wallop.

Dear Magnus,

I am surprised you even need ask. If you want prosperity for all the it has to be a Conservative government. That nice Keir Starmer chap seems to be am old school Tory so a vote for him is my recommendation.

As for your Reform Party friend, there's nothing wrong with looking at the famous nude "One For the Ladies" centrefold of Boris "Bozza" Johnson. The staples neatly cover the rude bits, so your Reform friend is unlikely to have had anything more than a semi on the go. Had it been the edition with Jacob Rees Mogg he'd likely have required hospital treatment for rhe sudden, er, swelling.