Over the last couple of days I've fought against the welling mire of blackness inside me, but have now lost. Today it hit me, so hard I had to go out on my bike, had to leave the house with no money to make sure I couldn't cut myself. I rode for five hours and don't remember where I went or what happened, at one point I had to stop because I was crying and couldn't see. I am so sick of this, this helpless choking oppressive blankness, it shrouds me and nothing smells right anymore. All I have is that bitter coppery taste in the back of my throat, and catch tangs of that burning metallic smell - its all in my head, but it is so real. I know what it means, I've been here so many times before, I know how to make it go away. I can't do it though, I love her so much and have seen the pain in her eyes before, I must not submit. My razor torments me from across the hall, how easy it would be to remove the blade, and press it to my arm. To watch the skin part so precisely, to cry razor red tears, and block out this blankness with my own self-made darkness. Turn the light out. So many friends have been lost, and I haven't. Their parents eyes looking at me, reminded in me that their sons never grew up like me, but I've only just wanted to. This probably doesn't even make sense, and I'm not even sure why I'm posting. Maybe I shouldn't. I'm sorry if I have offended anyone, I might delete this if it does. What a messed up month, and it won't get any better until January is done.