The Joke Thread

[Billloudon]

For all of us with a sense of humour.
You know we deserve it


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started.....
**************************************************


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked,' Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

 

[Billloudon]

Ok, Lets try again. I know 49 others looked the thread so there must be some here with a sense of humour
Perhaps it's the jokes! Can you do better - of course you can!


A priest and a nun were returning from the church convention when their car broke down.They had it towed to the local garage and faced the fact that they'd have to spend the night in a motel. There was only 1 motel in town and it only had 1 room available. So they had a problem.

'Sister ,' said the priest, 'i dont think the lord would mind, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this 1 room. i'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed,'

'I think that would be ok,' said the nun.

They prepared 4 bed and each 1 took took their agreed place . 10 minutes later the sister said , 'Father, i'm terribly cold,'

'Ok ,' said the priest, 'i'll get up n get you a blanket from the closet,'

10 minutes later the nun said , 'Father i'm still terribly cold,'

'OK sister,' said the priest, ' i'll get up n get you another blanket,'

10 minutes later , the nun said ,'Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the lord would mind if we acted as man and wife for just this one night,'

' You're probably right ,' said the priest , 'Get up and get your own damn blanket,'

 

[kt1304]

Lol, mine are far too long or rude to put on here

 

[Cubist]

It's the way you tell 'em..............

 

[Billloudon]

Ok, then. I guess it's my turn - again.

A guy chats up an older woman at a club. she looks ok for a 51 yr old and he finds himself thinking that she probably has a hot daughter.
they drink a bit and have a bit of a snuggle and then she asks him if he ever had a "sportsmans double"
"whats that?" he asks
"its a mother and daughter threesome" she says
"no" he replies exitedly. they drink a bit more, then she says that tonight is his lucky night
so they head back to hers. she turns on the hall light and shouts upstairs
.
.
.

"MUM,YOU STILL AWAKE?"

 

[Young Un]

Ok, then. I guess it's my turn - again.

A guy chats up an older woman at a club. she looks ok for a 51 yr old and he finds himself thinking that she probably has a hot daughter.
they drink a bit and have a bit of a snuggle and then she asks him if he ever had a "sportsmans double"
"whats that?" he asks
"its a mother and daughter threesome" she says
"no" he replies exitedly. they drink a bit more, then she says that tonight is his lucky night
so they head back to hers. she turns on the hall light and shouts upstairs
.
.
.

"MUM,YOU STILL AWAKE?"

Ahahaha quality!!

 

[Slim]

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience, Stevie asks if anyone has a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his lungs, "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about ten minutes. When he finishes, the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts, "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord!" A bit peeved by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B-flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. But the little old man jumps up again. "No, no, no! "Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord!" Now truly peeved that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie invites him up on the stage and says, "Okay, you start us off." The little old man grabs the mike and starts to sing... "A jazz chord, to say I ruv you ..."

 

[Billloudon]

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience, Stevie asks if anyone has a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his lungs, "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about ten minutes. When he finishes, the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts, "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord!" A bit peeved by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B-flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. But the little old man jumps up again. "No, no, no! "Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord!" Now truly peeved that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie invites him up on the stage and says, "Okay, you start us off." The little old man grabs the mike and starts to sing... "A jazz chord, to say I ruv you ..."

Lol. Brill, Slim.
I knew you could do it

 

[RabbitFood]

I like my whisky like I like my women

16 years old and mixed with coke

 

[Billloudon]

I like my whisky like I like my women

16 years old and mixed with coke

There's always one, isn't there!

 

[Blackandblue]

Little Johnny: "Teacher, I need to pi55".
Teacher: "Johnny, we don't use that kind of language in school. The correct word is 'urinate'. Now, give me a sentence using the word 'urinate'".
Little Johnny: "You're an 8, Miss, but if you had bigger tits you'd be a 10."

 

[Blackandblue]

...and another one...

One evening, a man was at home eating peanuts and watching the footie. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them with his mouth. In the middle of catching a peanut, his wife asked him a question. As he turned to answer her, the peanut fell into his ear. He tried several times to get the peanut out, but only succeeded in pushing it deeper into his ear.
His wife came to help him, and after several hours of trying to remove the peanut, they became concerned and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with a male friend. They told their daughter and her the young man about the problem, the young man said he could get the peanut out. He told the father to sit down. The young man then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father.
"That's wonderful. He's so smart! I wonder what he's gonna be when he grows up!"
Theman looks up at his wife and says:
"From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law."

 

[661-Pete]

These are genuine clips from council complaint letters (allegedly)

* My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

* He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

* It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

* I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

* I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

* And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

* I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

* My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

* I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

* Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

* I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen

* 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

* I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

* The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared

* Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

* Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

* I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

* The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

* Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

* I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

* Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

* I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction

 

[PaulB]

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience, Stevie asks if anyone has a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his lungs, "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about ten minutes. When he finishes, the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts, "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord!" A bit peeved by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B-flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. But the little old man jumps up again. "No, no, no! "Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord!" Now truly peeved that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie invites him up on the stage and says, "Okay, you start us off." The little old man grabs the mike and starts to sing... "A jazz chord, to say I ruv you ..."

There's a similar one but substitute Cliff Richard and the words "tits and fanny". After all the palaver, the guy sings, "tits and fanny, how we don't talk anymore."

 

[Deleted member 1258]

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today." The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me." As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too." The birthday lady says, "Thank you .... Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water." "Coming up," says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too." The birthday lady says, "Thank you .... Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water." "Coming! right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?" ​

The woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue." ​

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