A small dilemma - both sides of an argument

[Speicher]

Two people that I know, one of whom I know quite well, have had a disagreement with each other.

Normally I would not consider any intervention whatsoever. But, on this occasion I can see both points of view, and I can see why one of them particularly upset. In a way they are both "correct" but for different reasons.

Is there ever a good reason for intervening to help both sides, particularly when I think I can see exactly why they disagree and that it could be put right, IMHO.

Do I let the situation escalate further, which it might well do, or keep my nose well out of things, or just wait and see if the opportunity presents itself for placation of both sides. Or speak to someone who knows both people better than I do?

Presenting the other person's opinion to one of them might be easy, but the other one, is unlikely to acknowledge that I am trying to help.

 

[Crackle]

Lie to them that each of them said nasty things about the other. There'll be an almighty ding dong and they'll go off in a huff. In the meantime confide to someone you know can't keep secrets that you deliberatley stirred it. Both will find out, unite over the issue, shoot you down in flames, find they actually have a lot in common and become best of friends - job done.

 

[Kirstie]

Difficult to know without further details.

It depends what each party has invested in maintaining their position, and what the consequences of the disagreement are. Are there material or financial or other personal implications which are making them stand their ground? Or are they just being stubborn and refusing to acknowledge the others' viewpoint on the grounds that they have offended each other? It may be that they don't want to accept the consequences of the disagreement.

My instinct would be to avoid this kind of thing, particularly if the stakes are high. The danger is that if they still disagree they'll blame you for not sorting it out and then you'll lose two friends. If it's not too consequential you could have a quiet word with both of them and then leave it to them to resolve it.

They may see sense once the anger has subsided anyway.

 

[buggi]

if you can see why one of them is particularly upset i am presuming this is the one that would be harder to placate, and it's probably because the subject in question is very personal to them.

i had a recent argument like this with my sister because i felt that although she knew why i was upset she carried on only to wind me up further, and had done so on numerous other occasions. The subject in question was so personal and upsetting to me that i felt she was morally wrong to even have the debate with me in the first place, as she knew there was no way she would ever make me see her point of view. Things have now got way out of hand and we don't speak. The subject is so volatile i will never agree with her point of view and i know her opinion is not really strong on the subject, she just does it to wind me up and has done so on many occasions.

my mum has tried on many occasions to tell us both to calm down, but she never sides with any of us (typical mum thing) which i think is a mistake, as my mum can see what it does to me and she knows the reasons why. i personally believe that my mum should have took her to one side and told her that with feelings running so high about it (because its so personal to me and never actually affects her) she should drop it as it really doesn't matter to her. but she never, she always kept saying to me my sister didn't mean it. like ****, she used to reduce me to tears and immense anger to point of punch ups and revel in it, and then look like she didn't know what she had done, so now it's out of hand and we don't speak and she lives on the other side of the world now, so it's doubtful we ever will.

so if one is taking it really personal, there must be a reason for it, and you should approach the other one and say "call it a day, agree to disagree with each other and never talk about it again, before its too late, because it is not worth falling out over".

 

[Speicher]

I am hoping, as Kirstie suggests, that they both see sense once the anger has subsided.

I can see that I will have to think very carefully before saying anything to either of them.

 

[sheddy]

Can you take them out somewhere on neutral territory (and an alcohol free zone) cafe or teashop in order to discuss further ? Has there been a simple misunderstanding ?

 

[domtyler]

There is nothing wrong whatsoever in providing some kind of arbitration service to friends who are not seeing eye to eye over an issue. The important thing is to remain diplomatic, do not take sides and just ask questions (Why do you feel like that? What makes you say that? X, what do you think of what Y has stated? type stuff).


A shorter way to resolution would be to present the details here where I can tell you who is right or wrong in an instant. I am, after all, never wrong.

 

[yello]

Personally, I'd stay out of it. It's the sort of thing where you own best intentions can get misinterpreted and you'll end up being seen as a sympathiser for one friend or the other. Or, worse still, both.

If questioned by one about the other then you might want to, very tactfully, present the others perspective but I'd not get into any arbitration.

 

[Mr Pig]

From my experience, should you choose to get embroiled in a situation like this, your chances of getting out again unscathed are remote. Obviously, how successful your arbitration is likely to be rather dependant on your ability in this area. Are you a good peacemaker?

I'm fairly blunt. If someone is being an idiot I'll typically tell them straight. Some people don't like that but the truth is that I don't care. I can't be bothered with pretence.

No one else knows this situation or any of the people involved. You're on your own dude! ;0)

 

[Speicher]

I agree with you Mr Pig, which is why I am reluctant to get involved. One of them, I can be bluntish with, as I know her so well. I can explain that it is not worth getting so upset over, and let's see if we can discuss this, I can see a possible solution. Which she may not see while she is so upset/angry.

The other one, er well, I do not think she would want me to "interfere".

 

[Mr Pig]

I think that usually people know inside that they are in the wrong. However that doesn't always make them any less hostile about hearing the idea from you! ;0)

You could just get new friends? ;0)