Any good jokes ... ?

[Ron-da-Valli]

A 75 year old man walks into the doctor's surgery and walks up to the desk. The receptionist asks, " Yes sir what are you seeing the doctor for?"
He replies "there's something wrong with my dick."
The receptionist looks angrily at him. " You've embarrassed half the waiting room now, you should have said something wrong with you ear, and then discuss it with the doctor in private."
"Well you did ask" he says.
He walks outside, waits a few minutes and then goes back in.
The receptionist asks " What do you want to see the doctor for?"
"There's something wrong with my ear"
She smiles and asks, "what's wrong with your ear?"
He replies, " I can't piss out of it"

 

[Smokin Joe]

There's just no pleasing women.

I booked a table for two to take Mrs SJ out for her birthday celebration. Far from being pleased she got the right hump, threw her cue down and stormed out.

 

[raleighnut]

Just been posting about my time in hospital to @SatNavSaysStraightOn and remembered a joke told to me by a nurse whilst I was in Hospital.

What is the difference between a Consultant Surgeon and God.

God doesn't think that He's a Surgeon

 

[Ron-da-Valli]

Nurse, nurse! STOP!! I said prick his boil!!

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

A man was driving from Wick to Inverness, when suddenly a huge red-haired Highlander steps into the middle of the road. The driver stops, and notices a beautiful young woman to the side of the road. The Highlander opens the door and drags the man out and shouts, "Right, you; I want you to masturbate."
"But..." the driver stutters.
"Now, or I'll bloody well kill you."
So the man turns his back to the girl and starts masturbating - thinking of the girl on the roadside, this only takes a minute.
"Right, do it again!" shouts the Highlander.
"But..."
"NOW!"
The man reluctantly starts masturbating again. This goes on for several hours until the man collapses.
"Do it again!"
"I just can't any more, you'll just have to kill me..."
The Highlander picks the man up and says, "Alright, NOW you can give my daughter a lift to Inverness."

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the colour 9

 

[raleighnut]

Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the colour 9

Its a Pinkish, purpley, green as I recall

 

[ufkacbln]

Just been posting about my time in hospital to @SatNavSaysStraightOn and remembered a joke told to me by a nurse whilst I was in Hospital.

What is the difference between a Consultant Surgeon and God.

God doesn't think that He's a Surgeon

.... Or God knows his limits

.......Or God doesn't write descriptions

 

[ufkacbln]

An anaesthetist is travelling on a plane

As he settles down, there is a call for a Doctor deal with an emergency

He is about to offer his assistance when this pompous passenger gets up and states he is a Surgeon and will save the patient's life

So the anaesthetist leaves him to it

5 minutes later there is a second call..... Is there an anaesthetist on board?


So he goes forward and greets the anaesthetist and Cabin Crew, asking what is needed

The Surgeon looks up and says...


Can you tilt the lights....

 

[Dave7]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor hadfailed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on himabout, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of
execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

 

[screenman]

MURPHY'S LESSER KNOWN LAWS

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

10. The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

12. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

13. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

 

[Hitchington]

I knew BB King had died when he never woke up this morning...

 

[Alex H]

MERGER TIPS FOR 2015

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2015:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R.
Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and
become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will
merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell
Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will
become: Knott NOW!

And finally....

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new
name: TittyTittyBangBang

 

[Alex H]

Lie Detector.

A father buys a "lie detector robot" that slaps people when they lie, so he decides to test it out at dinner.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs & says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.

 

[Alex H]

An elderly married couple was at home watching TV.

The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:

"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"