Fall out with family members

[Accy cyclist]

Anyone on here ever fallen out with a family member so much so that you don't speak to them now? I've lost all contact with my brother since he put our mother in an old folks home near to where he lives but 36 miles away from where she's lived all her life. I've tried to contact him by phone by text and by leaving messages at the home where our mother is but he doesn't reply. We've always had a strained relationship,mainly since our dad died. I visit his(dad's) grave nearly every day as i've done since he died nearly 13 years ago,but he's only been a few times as he says he's an atheist and it means nothing to him. Fine.don't believe in the after life but why can't he stick a few flowers on the grave every now and then is how i look at it! Anyway,the last time we had contact he said that he'd rather have a brother than fall out over trivialities but since then there's been no contact. My dad and his brother fell out when their mother died not speaking for 17 years,then my dad died so that was it no contact between them!
Have any of you lost contact with close or distant relatives after a fall out,and would you like to make contact with them again but don't want to make the first move,or you dislike them so much that you don't want to see them or hear from them ever again?

 

[screenman]

You can choose your friends, but not your family. I have cut off all contact with one of my brothers and another has walked off the face of the earth it seems.

When I got married and had kids I decided that was my family, the other one was just people that happened to have the same parents as myself.

 

[ColinJ]

Despite living only 6 miles from each other, my dad and his kid sister did not see each other for over 25 years after an argument with her husband at their mum's funeral. My sister eventually re-established contact with our aunt but my dad still did not want anything to do with her and her husband. Soon afterwards, my aunt developed a brain tumour and my dad immediately rushed round to see her when he heard about it. She died only a couple of weeks later ...

The moral of this sad story is that life is too short for petty squabbles. If you don't get on with someone's spouse then meet without the spouse present! Don't ignore family members for years unless you genuinely never want to see them again.

 

[Saluki]

I fell out with my adopted parents and left home at 16. I'm 50 now and not been back. I did try and remain civil to them but Dad died in '91 and it was all my fault, delayed shock from me moving out in 1980 you see and nothing to do with my delighful younger sister and her husband putting the family home on the market, after they had bought it for £32k a year earlier (going rate was around £110k at that time for a house on the street).

My younger sister (not adopted) is an evil piece of work and hasn't a nice word to say about anyone unless she is being sycophantic. She sneers at everyone, one day (soon I hope) the wind will change and her face will stick like it for all to see what a nasty piece of work she is. Mother died in 2003, a friend read it in the paper and told me. I didn't attend the funeral as I was in hospital with Bronchial Pneumonia and on a ventilator. According to the 'family' I could have made the effort if I'd really tried. Sister blames me for Mother's death too. Says that happened because I am evil and vile. Funny that, I thought that it was stomach cancer that carried the old bat off. That and a 40 a day cigarette habit.

Quite frankly, the family can go to hell for all I care. 2 of them are already there, so that's OK then. I don't make contact with the Aunts, Uncles or older cousins as many of them were very violent towards me, my parents seemed to feel that this was ok as it was just 'behaviour modification for my own good'. There are only a couple of younger cousins my age. I will chat with them if I see them but don't seek them out. Simon, who is also adopted and my age, is OK but he's not quite the full ticket but essentially harmless, but was a right scrapper in his youth. I'd not invite him to my home but I'd have a cuppa in a cafe with him for a catch up. His sister Sarah was OK, but I've not seen her for years and doubt that I would recognise her now.

My grandparents (mother's side) were brilliant. I quite miss Nan. She was a Madam and ran a brothel in the war. She was rather fun. Grandad #1 died when I was very small, Grandad #2 died when I was in my 20's. He was great and took me horse racing.

Nothing on earth would compel me to reach out to any of them. I'm better off without them. Certainly less broken bones since 1980!

 

[ianrauk]

I actually understand why your brother doesn't feel the need to visit a grave. My parents both died in the early 90's. I miss them both greatly and think about them every day, but have never felt the need to go visit their rose bushes in the garden of remembrance. (I did once when I attended another funeral at the same crematorium). I prefer to remember my parents as they were, not as a patch of earth, a stone or a rose tree. Those things mean nothing to me.
You shouldn't berate him for that or hold it against him. We all grieve and think of missed love ones in different ways.

 

[Spinney]

I actually understand why your brother doesn't feel the need to visit a grave. My parents both died in the early 90's. I miss them both greatly and think about them every day, but have never felt the need to go visit their rose bushes in the garden of remembrance. (I did once when I attended another funeral at the same crematorium). I prefer to remember my parents as they were not as a patch of earth, a stone or a rose tree. Those things mean nothing to me.
You shouldn't berate him for that or hold it against him. We all grieve and think of missed love ones in different ways.

^^ this.
My parents' ashes were both scattered over Whernside (Dad did mum's on his own, then when he died me and my siblings + partners took his ashes up the same mountain).

I don't feel the need to go there, although when I do I will certainly think of them. I prefer to remember them by the few bits of furniture of theirs that I have kept, and a few other minor keepsakes.

There are many reasons why families fall out - but not visiting a grave shouldn't really be one of them.

 

[ianrauk]

^^ this.
My parents' ashes were both scattered over Whernside (Dad did mum's on his own, then when he died me and my siblings + partners took his ashes up the same mountain).

My mum's ashes were scattered in the Thames at Kew Gardens, both being some of her favourite places to visit. My brother tipped the ashes out just as a gust of wind blew and blew a load of dust over us. We laughed our socks off knowing that mum would have thought it hilarious. Oh yes, the pot went in the Thames too.

 

[ColinJ]

My mum's ashes were scattered in the Thames at Kew Gardens, both being some of her favourite places to visit. My brother tipped the ashes out just as a gust of wind blew and blew a load of dust over us. We laughed our socks off knowing that mum would have thought it hilarious.

I was wise to that one. My dad's ashes were scattered in the sea on the Scottish beach where he walked as a young man with my mum. After she died, we took her ashes up there to scatter hers in the same place. It was a blustery day and I anticipated the wind being a problem so I just waded out into the water and scattered the ashes underwater.

 

[EltonFrog]

I actually understand why your brother doesn't feel the need to visit a grave. My parents both died in the early 90's. I miss them both greatly and think about them every day, but have never felt the need to go visit their rose bushes in the garden of remembrance. (I did once when I attended another funeral at the same crematorium). I prefer to remember my parents as they were not as a patch of earth, a stone or a rose tree. Those things mean nothing to me.
You shouldn't berate him for that or hold it against him. We all grieve and think of missed love ones in different ways.

I agree with Ian, absolutely right. As for the rest of it either make up, or wipe your mouth and walk away and enjoy your life.

 

[Accy cyclist]

It isn't just about a grave there's lots more to it. The main gripe is the sticking our mother in a home miles from where she's lived all her life,just so she can be near him and his latest internet fancy piece. The last time he sent me a message it read something like "If you have a problem with this i suggest we meet up somewhere quiet and sort it out man to man".The fellow knows i've had loads of facial surgery,and lost sight in one eye then he suggests a fist fight! He cracks on to be all educated and superior as he was a social worker for years and now has his own weight loss,lack of self confidence etc therapy business,then acts like a thug!

 

[derrick]

Have a sister i have not spoken to in over 20 years. Have tried but she will not talk to me. I have given up trying.

 

[wam68]

Anyone on here ever fallen out with a family member so much so that you don't speak to them now? I've lost all contact with my brother since he put our mother in an old folks home near to where he lives but 36 miles away from where she's lived all her life. I've tried to contact him by phone by text and by leaving messages at the home where our mother is but he doesn't reply. We've always had a strained relationship,mainly since our dad died. I visit his(dad's) grave nearly every day as i've done since he died nearly 13 years ago,but he's only been a few times as he says he's an atheist and it means nothing to him. Fine.don't believe in the after life but why can't he stick a few flowers on the grave every now and then is how i look at it! Anyway,the last time we had contact he said that he'd rather have a brother than fall out over trivialities but since then there's been no contact. My dad and his brother fell out when their mother died not speaking for 17 years,then my dad died so that was it no contact between them!
Have any of you lost contact with close or distant relatives after a fall out,and would you like to make contact with them again but don't want to make the first move,or you dislike them so much th

 

[wam68]

Walk away. Life is too short to have to deal with family disputes. Protect your wife and kids and above all have no regrets

 

[SatNavSaysStraightOn]

We have lost all contact with one of my uncles many decades ago. If I was ever to meet him again, I would want to congratulate him on getting out of the family. I would rather it have been the other uncles that went 'missing'. The other one is a piece of shoot and the sooner he is out of my life completely the better. He wrecked my childhood, I won't go into details, he will make and cause as much havoc as possible when my grandfather dies (expected soon tbh). My mother got no end of grief off him because I chose not to return to the UK to be there when my grannies ashes were scattered whilst my husband and I were attempting to cycle around the world (my grannie died in between us telling our families and us setting out), but he was strangely silent about me cycling down to my grannies memorial after my grandfather got upset about rumours my uncle had told him about it being vandalised (something he claimed to have seen himself). It had not been vandalised at all and was fine.

I have no contact with my real fathers side of the family for even longer. Thats probably for the best.

Sometimes I manage to upset my brother and he won't talk to me for months at a time. The last time being over some soft porn he accidentally sent me at 6:30am on a Monday morning. I had a laugh over it, sent him something back saying I thought such and such was cuter, complete with picture and mentioned it in passing to our step father later that week. He had a laugh as I knew he would, my brother was mortified and didn't speak to me for the best part of 5 months. He wanted and apology off me! He didn't get one

As said before, families are the friends you don't get to choose.

Sometimes it is just better to accept it sadly.

 

[jhawk]

Mum and Dad divorced when I was five, Dad moved about the country for a couple of years and I saw him sporadically. He tried to make it every fortnight, but, well that wasn't always possible. Mum, for some reason, hated my father for reasons I will never understand. She was very ill (anorexia, IBS, kidney failure, diabetes - a smoking habit which she kicked at 40, otherwise it would have killed her) during my childhood and I became something of her primary carer - there went my childhood, but she was my Mum and my rock, and I did what I had to.

She still did everything she could to make sure that I had a 'normal' childhood. I went to school and all that normal stuff, but she was always there in the back of my mind.

Anyway, she hated Dad, and I guess I believed everything she said - he moved to Canada and we only spoke by phone. It got to a point where I told him that I didn't want him to be my Dad anymore (not that I meant that - but I had been spoonfed lies and hatred for years). I will never regret anything as much as I regret those words. Apparently, it shattered him. He cried and cried and cried after he'd hung up the phone. I can't even begin to tell you how much I regretted it, and still do to this day.

She died in 2006 - I don't know the exact cause of death, but I would guess it had something to do with all her ailments. First it was a phone call from my grandparents, saying how sorry they were - and then he was there, in England. My father who I hadn't seen for five years, met me on the promenade with orange/black spiky hair and a beard. A totally different man to the one I remembered - and it took me a second to recognise him.

What followed were six months of hell. Custody battles between my Dad and the people who my Mum had entrusted me to whenever she went into hospital. As it happened, the decision was down to me... But, I couldn't make it, don't ask me why, I don't know the answer to that question, some eight years later. The judge made the decision that I was to come to Canada. And so began a process of healing. It took a while, but now our relationship is stronger than ever. He's my Dad and I love him.