help i need help with bestman speech

[hughspark]

hello there. im going to be bestman at my mates wedding at the end of the month. he is mad into cycling and i was going to put reasons in the speech why he likes cycling so much. have any of you and ideas or funny things i can put in the speech. thanks

 

[Noodley]

To get away from his missus? OK, maybe not....

 

[Kovu]

Go the BBC Robin Hood speech, something about how he needs his bow like his needs marain.

Twist it with the bikes.

Well I;m terrible at speeches.

 

[BigonaBianchi]

numbnutz syndrome on a wedding night is to be avoided I would suggest.

 

[fossyant]

Other than "he is fit and up for it" not much really, as you'll have to be well behaved.....ish.......... cycling isn't funny -

Got any mates that can quote funny crashes etc ????? My best man was a fellow club member....... he was 'pooing it' more than me........I was married at 25 so hadn't built up such a long list of 'carp'.......

 

[Melvil]

Just write down the ten most embarassing things he's ever done (that you know about) - scratch the top 8 on grounds of taste, and then weave in syrupy declarations of the couple's love for each other and best wishes around the two remaining dodgy tales. Can't go wrong ;-)

 

[hughspark]

i was trying to say something like '5 reasons why john likes cycling.
any ideas

 

[Kovu]

"So after years of owning bikes, <grooms name> has finally found a decent ride. Unlike some of our more extreme mountain bike adventures, despite all the bucking and thrashing around, he usually manages to stay on <brides name>. I remember once when we were in <insert venue> and he got a puncture, neither of us had a pump, if only <grooms name> or me were able to blow like <brides name>.

Enough of that though, I would like you to raise you glasses to, <groom & brides names> and wish them many more long days and nights in the saddle together."

Simple see, pm me if you need the other 10 minutes of the speech and I'll see what I can do

You need to get that copyrighted, go into the business of speech making, you'd make a fortune./

 

[Noodley]

i was trying to say something like '5 reasons why john likes cycling.
any ideas

Ask him for the five reasons he like cycling?
But I bet one of them is time away from his missus...

 

[Abitrary]

hello there. im going to be bestman at my mates wedding at the end of the month. he is mad into cycling and i was going to put reasons in the speech why he likes cycling so much. have any of you and ideas or funny things i can put in the speech. thanks

Tell them that cycling gives you erectile dysfunction and your mate will never be able to fully enjoy sex or reproduce.

Tell them that the more he cycles the more likely he is to die in a road accident, most likely caused by some crappy bint on a mobile phone.

Tell them all of that, and then just say 'only joking'. You're best off hedging your bets with this approach rather than going for something a bit twee and unfunny that no sane man would laugh at.

 

[johnr]

There is a passage in The Third Policeman by Flann O'Brien describing the love between man and bike... it's one of the funniest pieces of erotic writing I've read. Get them the book as a wedding present, they'll barely notice that one or two of the pages appear thumbed.

 

[Yellow Fang]

Something about cycling giving him great stamina and the habit of scanning the road ahead for potential croppers.

 

[Globalti]

You could talk about batchelor days of lovingly cleaning his bike's bottom bracket and tweaking its spoke nipples, if you felt bold enough.

Whatever jokes you make, don't make the mistake of descending into genuine embarrassment - in other words keep the humour light and restrict it to gentle ribbing. Then say a few honest, genuine and sincere things about why the couple or the groom are such great people, you'll have half the room in tears.

I suffered the pain of having my best man dredge up some really silly stuff from the past in an effort to embarrass me - it ended up sounding more like a confession in the psychiatrist's chair and definitely went beyong what was gentle fun.

 

[meenaghman]

If you feel uncomfortable with jokes then use a few analogies
cycling a bike is a bit like marriage.. once you get on you have to keep pedaling.
There'll be times in marriage when its all uphill, but as a cyclist you know that its worth it..
If you're cycling its a lot easier with two working together to share the workload.
He's swopping his Colnago for a tandem etc..

If you and more importantly your friend and bride don't mind a bit of double entendre then everything about cycling can be read both ways..
down tube stiff enough ? Back end got a bit of give ? has s/he the right sized cranks .. remember to carry spare rubber (tube) when riding..
You could do a version of a non-cyclists vernacular for the bride.
eg a chain - gang is not a S&M wife swapping party
When he says he doesnt want to bonk it doesn't mean he's not up for it.
His yellow jersey for best rider was for finishing a bike race in first position..
when he says he's fixed doesn't mean he's had a vasectomy ..
etc.. etc..

 

[hughspark]

can anyone just write the whole speech for me. lol