Tommy cooper jokes

[col]

I used to love him,just recieved these of a friend,thought you might like some of them too.


Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married

The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

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Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

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'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.'

'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'

'Is it common?'

'It's not unusual.'

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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'

'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'

'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '

'No, because he's really heavy'

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'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.'

'Well you can't say fairer than that then'


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So I went to the dentist.

He said 'Say Aaah.'

I said 'Why?'

He said 'My dog's died.'


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So I rang up my local swimming baths.

I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

But I think it's Colin.

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So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.'

And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'

And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'

And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said

'What happened to you?'


And I said 'I careered off the road.'

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Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?


The one I was in went back and forwards.


I thought 'This is unusual'.


And the dentist said to me


'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'

I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
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Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?'

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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'

That was nice.

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A man walked into the doctors, the doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'

The man replied, 'I know , I've been ill'

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A man walked into the doctors, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'

The doctor said, 'well don't go to those places'

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I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.

He wasn't very happy.

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

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I bought some HP sauce the other day.

It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
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Phone answering machine message -

'...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key...'

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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

A strong currant pulled him in.

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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'

The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

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I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.

They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

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Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.'

The other one says 'So are you, you fat slob!'

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Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night .

 

[yello]

You walk into a bar.... an iron bar.

I'm just not appreciated I tell you.

Classic (bad) jokes

 

[PaulB]

A man rings up a builders and says "I want a skip outside my house" and the builder says "I'm not stopping you."

 

[col]

They are bad,it was the way he said them,and how he looked,i still laughed at some of them imagining him telling them.

 

[Over The Hill]

Bottle ... Glass ..Glass Bottle.......

(Probably better if you see it)

 

[Maz]

Cooper was fantastic. I particularly liked the 'put the dog down' joke.

I remember a simple Cooper joke which had my old dad in absolute stitches:

"So I went to the doctor and said 'Doctor, it hurts when I do this <Cooper raises his arm to shoulder level>.

Doctor said "Well, don't do it."

 

[Kirstie]

My favourite TC joke:

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says 'I think I've lost an electron'
'Are you sure?'
'Yes, I'm positive'

 

[yello]

Hmmm, not sure that these are all genuine Tommy Cooper gags.... but they're in the style of and that's fine by me!

And what a way to go. I don"t suppose he'd have wanted it any other way, other than maybe not at all! (with thanks to Woody Allen!)

 

[Mr Pig]

I got the kids a Tommy Cooper DVD but they didn't like it! :0. How can you not like Tommy Cooper? I got them Sargent Bilco too, they liked that.

 

[terry huckle]

I slept like a log last night....I woke up in the fireplace.

 

[got-to-get-fit]

doctor it hurts when i press my knee, it hurts when i press my head, it hurts when i press my chin, it hurts when i press my arm ....what do you think it is?

Doctor........a broken finger

 

[Maizie]

Bottle ... Glass ..Glass Bottle.......

(Probably better if you see it)

You don't need to see it, it made me laugh just reading it.



So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'

 

[Graham O]

View: http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=qHO3TQfXz5A


Saw him on telly doing this trick, (in colour) and it still makes me laugh at how good he was. A very childish humour, but it always works for me.

Youtube also has someone else doing the magic multiplying bottle trick, but it is so boring in comparison to TC.

 

[Funtboy]

Some of those jokes are Tim Vine's.

http://www.thehumorarchives.com/joke/Fantastic_Tim_Vine_one-liners

 

[Mr Phoebus]

Spoon-Jar Jar-Jar-Spoon A-Da-Da-Diddly-Dum-Diddly-Da-Da-Da

Well, that's as close as I can get it. :?: