Alternative Highway Code.

[Shorinjidude]

Rule 91: All drivers of any road vehicle should remember indicating to turn or change lane is a voluntary procedure and shouldn't at any point believe it to be obligitory. If you feel utilisation of your indicator to be polite, a quick flick as you enter the corner or change lanes is sufficient.

 

[downfader]

Rule 22: When overtaking a cyclist leave as little space as possible so as not to impede or scare other motorists.

 

[hackbike 666]

146

Adapt your driving to the appropriate type and condition of road you are on. In particular

• do treat speed limits as a target to be beaten. It is often not appropriate or safe to drive at the maximum speed limit but who cares
• Don't take the road and traffic conditions into account. Be unprepared for expected or difficult situations, for example, the road being blocked beyond a blind bend. Be prepared to adjust your speed to maximum as a precaution
• where there are junctions, be prepared for road users emerging and drive dangerously at them
• in side roads and country lanes look out for unmarked junctions where nobody except you has priority
• be prepared to jump the red at traffic control systems, road works, pedestrian crossings or traffic lights as necessary
• try not to anticipate what pedestrians and cyclists might do. If pedestrians, particularly children, are looking the other way blow the horn, they may step out into the road without seeing you but that's tough

 

[thomas]

Rule 233: Points can be exchanged for prizes

 

[HJ]

Rule 233: Points can be exchanged for prizes

 

[downfader]

Rule 233: Points can be exchanged for prizes

 

[Davidc]

Rule 321y Traffic lights discriminate against the colour blind (red/ green). Ignore them in protest.

Rule 321z A cyclist should never be in front of a car. If this is likely to occur overtake the cyclist irrespective of road width, obstructions or conditions.

 

[downfader]

Rule no1: If male and under 25, and driving past a female: make sure to have one's shirt off and lean out of the drivers window shouting "ALRIGHT DARLIN'!!!"

Failure to do so may result in a fixed p*nis notice.

 

[snorri]

Rule 344 At night motor vehicle drivers should dip their headlights for oncoming vehicles, unless the oncoming vehicle is a cyclist.

 

[Shorinjidude]

Rule 107: Remember that when cycling in London you must defer always to black taxis. They are the knights of the road and their views and opinions always take precedence; each driver is always right.

 

[slowmotion]

Rule 66: The inside lane of motorways are exclusively reserved for motorists with low self-esteem.

 

[slowmotion]

Rule 67: Ignore all road signs indicating road work width restrictions.

 

[hackbike 666]

Rule 306960606

Bus drivers: If a cyclist lets you pull out of a bus stop then don't bother flashing your indicators as a way of thanks like you would for a motorist.

 

[Rhythm Thief]

Rule 101101: Lorry drivers. If you cycle commute to work and you get carved up by someone in a car while on your bike, you are allowed one (1) free go at them if you happen to see them later that day while driving your truck.

 

[al78]

There was once a satirical alternative highway code on the web along these lines (except it had a go at all road users, not just motorists). It got removed I think because it looked very similar to the official version thus may cause confusion.

I did print out a copy, here are the first couple of pages:

Rules for Pedestrians

1. You MUST NOT take any responsibility for your own safety. Feel free to step out into the road without looking if

* the pavement is busy and you are in a hurry
* you are drunk

18. Crossings. Never use a pedestrian crossing if you can avoid it. It is much better to save yourself 20 paces and cross on a nearby blind corner. This is particularly recommended if you are accompanied by young children of an impressionable age.

Rules for cyclists

45. At night your cycle MUST have front and rear lights lit unless

* you can't be bothered to fit some
* the batteries have run out
* you mostly ride on the footpath anyway

50. You MUST obey all traffic signs and traffic light signals except where they would cause you to slow down or stop.

55. Some junctions have an advanced stop linr to enable you to position yourself ahead of all the other vehicles that have just waited patiently to overtake you. Move away from the red light slowly and in the centre of the road to ensure that as few of those vehicles as possible get through while the light is green.

67. When the road gets narrow enough to make it impossible for following cars to overtake you, you MUST stop pedalling.

Lighting requirements

94. Front fog lights may be used

* to demonstrate to other drivers that you are not driving the poverty spec version of your car
* if you think they look cool
* if you find using the fog light switch exciting
* if you can't be bothered to replace that dead headlight bulb
* if you've fitted green sidelight bulbs which other road users would not be able to see if you used your headlights.

95. Rear fog lights may be used

* in reasonably heavy rain (particularly on motorways)
* if it was a bit misty two weeks ago
* if your bathroom mirror was steamed up when you got out of the shower this morning

It goes on for several more pages like this .