Abacus: Swedish swear word.
Abscond: To steal someone’s cream tea.
Acolyte: Easy listening clarinet music:
Adder: Derbyshire expression meaning I have slept with that woman.
Antelope: to run off with your mother’s sister.
Après-ski: Plaster of Paris
Artefact: A pretentious statistic.
Artery: Shooting arrows at paintings.
Assassination: An arrangement to meet a donkey.
Avant-garde: Next to last coach on a train.
Balderdash: What you do when your wig has blown off.
Baloney: Disappointing skirt length fashion.
Banshee: A gentleman’s club.
Baptist: A junior hamburger chef.
Beatitude: Pose adopted by an insect prior to pollination.
Bidet: Two days before D-Day.
Bona fide: Good dog.
Boutique: A startling kind of hardwood.
Brouhaha: Funny tasting beer.
Cantankerous: A chain of shops that sell tanks.
Capsize: Usually about 7¼”.
Carpentry: A way in for ornamental fish.
Castigate: To have a nasty accident climbing into a field.
Catalyst: A three legged moggy.
Celibate A virgin fish.
Cenotaph: A Welsh laxative.
Chateaubriand: Steak grilled over embers of burnt French castle.
Circumnavigator: A Jewish sailor.
Circumspect: The viewpoint of a Rabbi.
Circumstantial: Circumcision on a really big baby.
Claustrophobia: Fear of Father Christmas.
Cock-a-leekie: Prostate problem.
Cocoa bean: An ex-clown.
Coffee: Someone covered in spit.
Coiffure: A pretentious drinker.
Collywobbles: A three legged sheepdog.
Colonnade: A fizzy enema.
Comatose: Foot’s gone dead.
Combat: An aggressive marsupial.
Condominium: A birth control device made from metal that you hit your daughter’s boyfriend with in the testicles.
Contraband: US backed counter orchestra.
Copulate: The time it takes the police to turn up in an emergency.
Coq au vin: French mobile gigolo service.
Counterpane: Someone who works in a post office.
Countryside: To kill Piers Morgan.
Crèche: A car accident in Woking.
Culotte: Post office.
Curate: A doctor
Custard: To swear after stepping in something.
Defibrillate: To interpret the meaning of Jeffrey Archer.
Delectable: Ian Duncan Smith.
Dentist: A man who fixes your car.
Diarrhoea: An unattractive bottom.
Dichotomy: A surgical procedure for the removal of an unwanted Welshman.
Dictator: Humorously shaped root vegetable.
Dilate: Live long.
Dilatory: Conservative sex aid.
Dildo: Pickled pastry.
Diphthong: To wash an under garment.
Direct: Ruined by a Welshman.
Disappear: To insult a Lord.
Dissident: A foreigner pointing out damage to your car.
Donut: Exocentric millionaire.
Egret: An apology sent by computer.
Extemporary: Permanent.
Fecund: The one before fird.
Fiasco: Unsuccessful wall painting.
Flatulence: An emergency vehicle that picks you up after you have been run over by a steamroller.
Fondue: An affectionate sheep.
Fragrant Sweet smelling tramp.
Frigate: A ship nobody cares about.
Frogspawn: Blue movies for the French.
Geranium: The cry of the parachute regiment’s flower arranging display team.
Geriatric: Fine bowling spell by a German cricketer.
Gerrymander: Rigged vote in holiday camp allowing Germans to get all the deckchairs.
Granary: Old folks home.
Grandee: The old lady between grancee and granee.
Gripe: What Australians make wine from.
Guacamole: A Mexican visitor to Toad Hall.
Haemorrhage: A line of piles.
Haywain: Essex greeting.
Hebrew: Jewish teabag.
Hedgerow: Hedgehog eggs.
Hiding: A bell you can’t reach.
Hindsight: Jennifer Lopez.
Hither: A snake with a hare lip
Hoarding: A prostitute’s microwave.
Hobgoblin: Eating stoves
Hobnob: A cooking accident.
Hobnobbing: Casual sex with a Goblin.
Hogmanay: Someone who may be considered to have too large a collection of a particular impressionist painter.
Homophobe: Someone who doesn’t like The Simpsons.
Hors d'oeuvre: Women who hang around diesel pumps.
Hosepipe: A dance by sailors wearing socks.
Hullabaloo: How to greet a bear.
Humpty Dumpty: One who has humped and dumped.
Hydraulics: To conceal the things you rest your oars in.
Idiomatic: Ugandan washing machine.
Impermeable: Hair that is impossible to style.
Implication: An ointment for little Goblins.
Inclement: A Freudian slip.
Increment: The opposite of excrement.
Indelible: Someone who cannot be persuaded to eat bagels.
Indict: The Queen is unsure about something.
Intercontinental: One who has wet themselves all over the world.
Judicious: Hebrew crockery
Knighthood: Contraceptive.
Lactose: The effect of frostbite.
Laminated: Pregnant sheep.
Lampoon: A device for whaling at night.
Liability: Jeffrey Archer’s greatest asset.
Libel: Australian price tag.
Lip-sync: A ladies intimate wash basin.
Loggerheads: People who are addicted to sniffing lumberjacks.
Loophole: A very long lavatory brush.
Lymph: To walk with a lisp.
Macadam: The first ever Scotsman.
Magnum opus: A big Irish cat.
Mastiff: A row during a church service.
Mastiff: Boys at a Brittany Spears concert.
Merciful: Liverpool’s flooded.
Merseyside: The killing of Scousers.
Miniscule: A toddler’s play group in Liverpool.
Morass: Request from a director of a strip show.
Mosquito: A tiny place of Muslim worship.
Mutate: An art gallery for cats.
Napkin: One of the tiny sleep nymphs.
Negligent: Man who wears lingerie.
Nonchalant: To arrive at Butlins without prior booking.
Onion bhaji: French canal boat.
Osmosis: An early Australian prophet.
Oxymoron: Stupid cow.
Pandemonium: A black and white musical instrument.
Parsnip: Father’s vasectomy.
Physique: A Perrier enema.
Piano: A musical shipping line.
Picador: Find your own way out
Piccaninny: The voting system for a new Tory leader.
Pile driver: Suppository.
Pistachio: To draw a moustache on a poster whilst under the influence of drink.
Piston: Humiliated.
Plebiscite: Web page for common people.
Pokemon: A Jamaican proctologist.
Polyunsaturated: A dry parrot.
Pom-pom: Australian for English twins.
Poppycock: A streaker on November 11th.
Portly: Shaped like a harbour.
Posthumous: The act of delivering Greek food by mail.
Propaganda: a post for a one legged male goose.
Propane: People who are into S&M.
Psychiatric: Guessing right three times in a row.
Quango: A gay tango.
Quattrocento: Person who sings Suzie Quatro fourteen times.
Quince: Not quite a coincidence.
Raffia: A craft fair organised by a crime syndicate.
Rancour: Japanese term of abuse.
Rapscallion: A funky spring onion.
Rebut: Having your bottom lifted.
Rectitude: The angle at which a thermometer should be inserted.
Saxophone: Hot line to a salt supplier.
Scarf: To eat in Knightsbridge.
Scoobydoo: A responsible dog owner.
Serendipity: Maintaining a very calm expression whilst pilfering from the till.
Shambolical: Padded ‘Y’ fronts.
Shellfish: A bit like a shelf.
Shingle: Sean Connery’s definition of a bachelor.
Snuffbox: Coffin.
Spectacular: A short-sighted vampire.
Splint: To run very fast with a broken leg.
Stalactite: Pissed prisoners of war
Stucco: Hitherto unknown Marx Brother.
Stylist: A pig directory
Sub judice: The Israeli underground system.
Suffragette: A package holiday flight.
Supersede: Clark Kent’s sperm sample.
Sweet Trolley: An abundance of delightful trolls
Sycamore: Not as well as I used to be.
Sycophant: Unwell pachyderm.
Tadpole: A quarter Polish.
Taffeta: A Welsh goats cheese.
Tagliatelle: The Italian state television.
Tantamount: To ride a French aunt.
Tapioca: A disappointing dance routine.
Tarmac: Scottish gratitude.
Telepathy: Can’t be bothered to turn over the TV.
Thermidor: A Spanish lobster fighter.
Titillate: Delayed puberty.
Tomahawk: A vegetable of prey.
Trampoline: Cleaning fluid for tramps.
Transistor: A brother who wears his mother’s clothes.
Trigonometry: A cowboys method for locating his horse.
Trolley: An abundance of Trolls.
Turpentine: A Geordie highwayman.
Unction: No effing use.
Undertaker: A half-hearted shoplifter.
Urdu: Liverpool coiffure.
Varnish: To disappear in Mayfair.
Wallaby: Someone aspiring to be a kangaroo.
Wench: A spanner belonging to Jonathan Ross.
Widdecombe: A brush to make your hair look like a wig.
Willy-nilly: A cycling accident.
Wisteria: Laughing ‘til you wet yourself.
Years: When the Queen is sure about something.
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