Bad Sex!

[User169]

Guterson won. Apparently, he was "unable to attend the event".

 

[dellzeqq]

How wonderful it was – wonderful and surprising – to be attracted to a guy, to want sex. Diane found, once she was naked with him, that there were things she really liked in his performance, including, foremost, that he was relentlessly, acutely, even obsessively servile. It was fine with Ed to spend a half-hour massaging her feet and squeezing her ankles, followed by nearly equal devoted caressing of her shins and calves; next, moving up, he gave substantial attention to her knees and thighs, and when, in her massage trance, she hoped and believed that his hands would surely go where they would do the most good, Ed didn't go there, he flipped her over instead and massaged, kneaded, stretched, rubbed, pinched, flicked, feathered, licked, kissed, and gently bit her shoulders, neck, back, and butt. Again she believed that he was on the verge of getting a hand between her legs, especially when, while massaging the small of her back, he found the tip of her tailbone. How long was he going to go on with the erotic massage and general body worship without getting to her quim? Would he please just go ahead and do something not frustrating? But she knew, before long, what he had to be waiting for. He was waiting for a display of need. So she took him by the wrist and moved the base of his hand into her pubic hair until his middle fingertip settled on the no-man's-land between her 'front parlor' and 'back door' (those were the quaint, prudish terms of her girlhood), she got him on the node between neighbouring needs (both of which had been explored by johns who almost never tarried). She gave him this particular sign, this clear permission, and he began a careful prodding of her perineum, which was as good a starting place as any for Diane, because it instigated those processes of memory her sexuality required. It triggered memories with the uncanny force of déjà vu, and what she thought of, as Ed slaved away, was a boy from her village who had fingered her adroitly in a greenhouse thick with green tomatoes.

Vern never told us about that one!

 

[Mozzy]

The word conjures up some distant memory. If I think about it I feel certain I'll twig what yer on about

 

[TheDoctor]

The Lee Child one is quite awful.
What would Reacher do? He sure-as-hell wouldn't describe it.
IIRC, that scene was in a guesthouse very close to a railway line used by heavy freight trains, so the room shaking is fairly believable. Which is more than you can say for most of the rest of it...

 

[ColinJ]

Sex is better than talk…Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex. – Woody Allen

I liked Woody Allen until he developed a thing for his stepdaughter ... Still, putting that to one side - "Sex and death are two things that come but once in my lifetime, but at least after death you're not nauseous!" (Woody Allen, Sleeper)

 

[Flying_Monkey]

Some of these are actually okay in terms of the technical quality of the writing, and what the scene does in context (Barry, Murakami) James Frey shouldn't even be on the list because, as dell says, it seems impossible to see what this is all about anyway. Some are just ordinarily lazy writing and really not especially bad enough to be on the list - like Lee Childs (he can't write full stop let alone write sex) and Jean M. Auel (standard genre fantasy softcore stuff). Stephen King is worse because he actually believes he can write, but his pretensions are just delusional. This leaves Adrian, Tsiolkos, Nadas, Von Booy and Guterson. Serious writers. You can tell by the covers. And the worst offenders by far. But Tsiolkos can't be the worst because he is doing this deliberately, it's just that he's just trying too hard to subvert the traditional sex scene, to make it gross - and he succeeds but the result is that it's just gross and you can't really get round that. Van Booy is just crap. Adrian has the worst single line apart from King. Nadas is the most pretentious, but Guterson is the most laugh-out loud bad by some distance (and I feel a bit sad about this because I have liked a couple of his previous books).

 

[theclaud]

what she thought of, as Ed slaved away, was a boy from her village who had fingered her adroitly in a greenhouse thick with green tomatoes.

Actually, Vern or not, I think this is rather a good line. And I can't believe anyone would write "he began a careful prodding of her perineum" for anything except comedy value - it's possibly the least erotic thing I've read since Badders started banging on about the mileage of his Volvo. I still think it should have gone to Nadas.

 

[Lisa21]

Enough........
I feel