Interesting, I have my own take on some of the points raised in the article and even a few suggestions of my own that seem to have been overlooked
1. Firstly the easiest and most obvious. Dont leave the house. This is 2013 people, you should be able to get everything you need in life delivered to my door. Many employers let people work from home after studies proved not everyone was actually watching football. Getting active was simply a necessity of our evolutionary past, we don't need it now. Muscle atrohpy is the new cool, we can wither away in contentment. A fully functioning index finger and thumb are all you really need, and you risk breaking these by going outside, so stay in.
2. Sell bike and don't buy another one, instead buy a car, or better still a lorry. How many lorry drivers have been killed in central London this year? I don't recall there being any. These vehicles are the safest things for you and your family, get one today.
3. if you insist on having a bike, dismount every time you see a moving motor vehicle, when it is out of sight it is safe to remount and continue your journey. Those metal boxes of impending death are often driven by complete morons, do not trust them.
4 Cycle through red lights (supplemental). Cyclists have been trialing this for years and finally it seems to be catching on. It annoys drivers so much they will eventually adopt the 'if you can't beat them join them approach' and sell their cars and get bikes to get in on the liberating RLJ action. We are told cycling is better for your health than not cycling, following this approach stopping is clearly more unhealthy than moving and so must be avoided, The Department of Health and TFL now say RLJ'ing is proven to be good for public health.
5. Cycling on the pavement. (supplemental) Part 1. No cyclist wants to crash but if we have to, crashing into people is on the whole less hurty and significantly less deathy than crashing into motor vehicles.Therefore in the interests of safety we should all be cycling on the pavement. If the cyclist is presented with a choice of who to crash into, they should avoid old people and small children who may not have the required air bag properties. Fortunately the UK's obesity crisis means there is an ever increasing number of very padded individuals around that offer extra protection to the cyclist and pedestrian alike, aim for them.
Cycling on the pavement.(supplemental) Part 2. In the long term if cyclists can intimidate and scare all pedestrians off the pavement and into the road, this is good for the cyclist. There will be less chance of pedestrians causing accidents and cycle journey times will be decreased. Furthermore pedestrians have had many years of practice throwing themselves into the road without looking, it will take them many more years to learn the new skill of throwing themselves out of the road and onto the pavement. This means for a for a number of years until this new behaviour is learnt there will be zero cycling and pedestrian accidents, a significant public good which cannot be ignored.
6. Banning headphones-a different approach. Despite all modern motor vehicles having indicators a large number of drivers seem to favour the 'move first indicate later' technique which causes many cyclist deaths and injuries. Indicators have failed. From 2014 all motor vehicles are to be fitted with loudspeakers giving voice descriptions of the moves being enacted by the moron behind the wheel. Initial focus groups highlighted this voice should not be a shouty cockney accent, but a calming, non threatening voice of someone like Miles Jupp. This massive leap forward in safety removes the need for the barely evolved knuckle dragger behind the wheel to actively notify others of its intended manoeuvres. For this system to work all cyclists need to finally take responsibility for their own actions and inactions by not wearing headphones. For the hearing impaired advanced research is currently underway to provide 3D laser projection messages instead of audio commands (subscription fee may apply, see your local stockist for details). Boris and others seem to claim cycling with senses impaired in inherently dangerous. I doubt this claim, I've been on some long group rides where having no sense of smell would have unquestionably been beneficial. In my previous accidents which have involved using tarmac to grind various bits of hands, elbows, knees, hips and face down to the bone, having no sense of touch would have been an immeasureable improvement. Also a recent episode of QI revealed that being drunk made you less likely to suffer injury, I think thats what it was saying, double vision is simply an inbuilt safety feature or something, Stephen Fry said it so it must be true.
7. Body armour (supplemental). The human body is not evolving fast enough to cope with the high speed crashes of the huge array of 20th and 21st centuary technologies available to adults. NASA are hoping to speed up this evolutionary process by repeatedly firing test humans at walls at ever increasing velocities, those humans with Volvo-esque self preservation properties will be prioritised for breeding purposes and then released into the general populace to 'breed in' these favourable charecteristics in the world population over time. In the interim cyclists need to be aware they are being irresponsible by sharing road space will big, heavy motor vehicles wearing nothing more than some spandex and a bit of a jacket. At the high end Rapha has developed some carbon weave chain mail but the more cost conscious cyclist can make simple 1 or 2 NCAP rated armour by simply cutting some arm and leg holes into some wheelie bins. Also think about this for a minute, modern humans have a long held dream of flying aorund with jetpacks, there is going to be a raft of healthy and safety issues raised when this technology becomes widely available, and body armour is likely to feature as mandatory equipment. Those early adopter cyclists with body armour are future proofing themselves by putting themselves at the front of the queue for jetpacks, I assure you cannot comprehend the severity of the frowns and tutts of indignation if you try to push in on that queue.
8. Stop wearing lycra. Cyclists are simply bringing this upon themselves. Even the most unfashionable people agree you look ridiculous (ask you grand parents or parents for confirmation on this). Some of the cycle kits are so garish they make Mr Motivator looks like he's dressed for a funeral. A fashion faux pas is a serious crime that deserves a punishment pass at the least. In addition the massive and unchecked increase in lycra use and prominence of lunchboxes is an obvious distraction and revulsion hazard. It is simply indecent, and should only be worn after the watershed by consenting adults, and you must receive advance consent from all adults in your party and those you encounter en route, if you do not, that is tantamount to abuse. What has been seen cannot be unseen.
Hehe boredom sets in at Booze and Cake towers, its amazing what daytime telly can drive a man to do for entertainment
