Cheerful thread - Funny Offs

[J4CKO]

So many serious and downright unpleasant offs, I thought I would share my funny one, it didnt seem so funny at the time and did smart a little but hey it was amusing.

I was on my Halfords "Carrera Kraken", in my pre commuting days when I went out every few months, I live near Manchester airport in Wilmslow and around the airport runways are some nice roads and the "Bollin Valley Way" which is almost always empty so I diverted off the road, went through the woods and ended up alongside Runway 2.

I went in a Southerly direction, all the way along as there is a path right the way around, I was tanking along and could see the path narrow as another fence came to meet the one round the runway, no matter I thought, there is a gap, just jib through the bit of undergrowth, no problem.

It was a problem, there was some of that really thick fence wire stretched from the airport fence to the other one, a 6ft 15/16 stone bloke at perhaps 12 mph is not enough to snap it so the bike stopped and I hurtled forward over the bars and the wire so I ended up, upside down, head about a foot off the ground, I was puzzled as to why I had stopped, on closer inspection I relaised that my pants (those Addidas joggers with a liner) had got caught around the brake levers or something, so there I was suspended upside down unable to move for a moment.

I tried unhooking myself to no avail, it hurt as well, bits of metal going in where they shouldnt, and then after perhaps a minute, voila, movement and the foot off the floor became two inches as my pants styed still and I slid downwards, great except they became caught again, at this point I notice how cold it was, the sliding down had not just taken the joggers but my undies as well and were pretty much down to my ankles exposing all I had to the world and to cap it all I could hear voices, a family were coming my way, bugger, I nearly left my gonads on the frame but I wrestled myself down so the whole lot was around my feet, socks, shoes, pants undies and my jumper due to the investion was exposong my manly curves and the panic was unbeleiveable.

Luckily the undergrowth shrouded my naked arse from onlookers and fortunately (more for them) they carried on down the road rather than coming down the track, after about ten minutes I managed to pop one shoe off on the wire which let a leg out and after that it was quite easy, I slid to the floor a bit batered and bruised, naked from the waist down at the side of runway two, an airport Police Discovery cruised past, I stood there but again the undergrowth meant they could only see my top half and they took no more than a cursory glance, once they were well past I grabbed my gear and got dressed again and then surveyed my bike, it had survived better than I had so I got on it and went straight home feeling very lucky, a bit sore but seeing the funny side more and more as I thought about it !


Could I have got done for indecent exposure ?

Did any holidaymakers see anything unusual ?

 

[snapper_37]

Did any holidaymakers see anything unusual ?

Don't know - did they? Or have you got the usual tackle expected.

My funniest 'off' was when taking the OH over the Marin trail in North Wales many years ago. I was showing off (before I even knew what clipless pedals were) up a steep climb until it got VERY steep and as much as a tried to make it, it didn't happen. Foot slipped off the pedal, pedal into the ankle and straight on the floor.

I did get up straight away muttering something like 'the bloody chain stuck'. We had not long met .... so that's my excuse.

I bled all the way back, gritting my teeth and stroking my ego along the way.

 

[HLaB]

It didn't seem funny at the time either but now . One night I decided to take a short cut along a very wide, circa 4m +, quite short, straight and unlit path. Half way along the left half of the path becomes a church garden with foot high black chain around it. Of course I hit the chain straight on and it sent me flying over the handlebars. I did have a soft landing though, the grass was dry and there was no damage done either than to my pride . I decided then I needed a) better lights and to stay observant in future.

 

[hackbike 666]

I think one of my worst off was in 1985 or 1987 when I was riding my bike up the Stratford subway put the front brake on,the front wheel slid (due to subway being wet) and I used my chin as a brake block.Was gushing blood when I got up and felt a right prat.Bloke asked me if I was ok.Yeah im sure I was ok.I've got a scar there but not sure whether it was that incident or the other incident when I fell onto a glass table in about 1969.Those were the days.

 

[Baggy]

In 1985 I had a go on my friend's brand spanking new racer. It started raining while we were out, so we were zooming back towards her house. We were coming downhill towards a T junction, pulled the brakes on...and discovered that brand new steel rims and rubber blocks don't have much stopping power in the wet.

Smacked straight into the passenger door of a brand spanking new Ford Escort.

The upside was that I was fine and the driver of the car was an estate agent so I had no reason to feel bad about bashing their door in

My friend forgave me after I paid to get the wheel trued up.

 

[Rhythm Thief]

Back in the days of toestraps and cleats I used to ride a lot in Bahrain. I went out for a spin one day, with the straps ratcheted tight (as usual) and my feet firmly cleated into the pedals. I'd only gone a mile or so when I changed gear and the rear derailleur started clicking. So I looked down at it, as you do, only I looked for a little too long and rode straight into a large piece of timber on the hard shoulder. I remember thinking, as I took off, "ok, I can control this, all I need to do is land properly and keep it upright". Which I did, until the large buckle in the front wheel jammed between the brake blocks and pitched me over the bars into the slow lane of the dual carriageway. I found myself still securely attached to the pedals lying in the road while an eight wheel tipper truck bore down on me. People always seemed to think that toe clips and straps were difficult to disengage quickly, but I'm still here to tell you that you can do it if you really need to.

 

[hackbike 666]

Aaaaah toeclips and toestraps.Those were the days.

 

[BentMikey]

Not cycling, but skating this one. I was a new skater and saw some advanced skaters sit right down and roll underneath the traffic barriers in Hyde Park, so I copied them, and it worked, just. Next time I was on a street skate in a large crowd of skaters, and tried the same thing under the barrier near the London Eye. Oops, next thing I knew I was flat on my back with a stinging backside, and about a hundred other skaters were looking at me and laughing. My rucksack had caught on the barrier, I hadn't been wearing one back in the park. LOLOL!

 

[mickle]

Mountain biking the NY Moors years ago with my uncle, overtook him as the trail turned down hill, lovely long grass either side of the trail was covered in ice and my front wheel slowly went out from under me and in slow motion dumped me gently on the frozen grass and I slid, and slid, and slid and slid. And slid some more. He was riding alongside me asking if I was ok and I was just giggling. When I finally stopped the bike was bloody miles away.

 

[gbb]

Told this one on a different thread a wee while ago...but...
Cycling along with the wife....just a leisurely pace, i see a coke can in the road .
As i approached it, lifted the front wheel with the intention of smacking it down on the can and crushing it.
Wheel came down, can wrapped round the rim and continued round with the wheel (which i hadnt thought of ). It reached the brakes, and the whole bike upended and sent me straight over the handlebars .

The brilliant bit was, i flew over the bars upright. Somehow or other, i managed to land on my feet, and walked away...almost like it was meant to happen.
The bike of course clattered onto the road, everyone around looked stunned, the wife kept going (i'm not with you)...and i couldnt stop laughing. Thank god it was only my hybrid.....

 

[louise]

I borrowed a the ministers wives bike, I hadn't cycle for years. I cycled down the garden path,crashed into the gatepost and tipped over on my side. Ouch, next day I had a wonderful bruise on the inside of my knees

 

[tyred]

Years ago, when I was about 14 and staying with my grandparents for a few days, I was riding my grandad's 1940s Rudge 3 speed which really too big for me at the time and had pathetic rod brakes. The local farmer used to tie a rope across the end of the lane when he was bringing his cows in for milking. I forgot this, wasn't paying attention, was probably going faster than was sensible and the rope went in under the front mudguard and I pitched over the handlebars and slid along the road which was covered in cow sh!t. Had to clean myself up the best I could, make the bike presentable and pretend nothing had happened despite the cuts and bruises as I wasn't supposed to have took the bike anyway!

Saw a classic you've been framed moment the other day after work where someone coming down the street on a mountain bike with one hand on the handlebar, the other hand sending a text message. He rode straight into a wheelie bin which was sitting at the side of the street

 

[Cubist]

I had a German exchange student over to stay in 1979. We were both overnighting at a friend's house in Oxford as we had all been invited to a party on the other side of town. I had my trusty Raleigh Olympus, Martin had his Puch ten speed, and Werner borrowed Martin's Mum's Raleigh Twenty. At the party we introduced Werner to the delights of Wadworth 6X from the wood, as the host's Dad had bought him a barrel for his 18th (ish..). Werner declared that "Zis Englisch bier ist like water!" and proceeded to drink as much as he could. Needless to say it caught up with him, and on the ride home we had to cross a busy road (possibly the marston Ferry Road, but my memory is fading a bit.)Safer to use the subway, Martin and I shot down the ramp braking hard to turn into the tunnel itself, when Werner, who had not realised that the other "ramp" he had chosen was in fact a flight of steps, joined us from above at terminal speed. Raleigh Twenty's were bombproof apparently, Werner wasn't.

 

[grhm]

I've two brothers, twins, who were very competative in their youth. Once when riding back home from their Saturday job, a race developed - not unusual.

Alan was in front in top gear, stood up and pushing for all he was worth as they came along the quiet residential street at the top of our road. As they approached the right hand turn into our road, a car was coming up behind them. A warning was shouted to Alan incase he hadn't spotted the car and to stop him swerving into its path without realising.

On hearing the shout Alan turned to look over his shoudler - and turned the handlebars too. Front wheel was suddenly at 90degrees and he was promptly thrown over the handlebars.

The car gave him a lift home, where after much gibbering and mumbling, he was dispatched to A&E. He'd managed to break both bones in his forearm just below the elbow and cracked his skull from just above the eye socket up to around his hairline.

He was moved to the bones ward and was patched up. When the night shift came on, the nurse was told he'd been in a bike accident and she assumed he'd been on a motorbike - took a lot of persuading to convince her that his injuries were all from a pushbike and a flat piece of tarmac.

He's still got a wire in his arm holding the elbow together (but suffers no ill effect or loss of mobility) and we still think it funny that he can do so much damaged without hitting anything (a kerb, car, etc.)

Reading that back it doesn't seem as funny - ho hum.

 

[briank]

Riding in the Holloway Road one dark evening years and years ago, I realised - just too late - that I was headed straight into a large sign set across the nearside lane. Heavy trafic was moving down the outside lane so there was no choice but to go straight into, and over, the sign.

The sign was unlit, the message formed by reflective studs against a dull background. My bike light hadn't made it visible, let alone legible, but in the moment before inpact I read its message. 'SLOW"

"Thanks lads!"