Christmas Jokes

[Slim]

To get started.....


People who say to get your Xmas shopping done early to avoid crowds are liars. I did mine a full 12 months early and the shops were as busy as ever.

I regret making a herb belt as a Christmas present, it was a complete waist of thyme.


Just finished my Christmas shopping online but accidentally used my Donor card instead of my Visa card. Cost me an arm and a leg.


I used my B&Q loyalty card to scrape the ice of my windscreen this morning. It didn't work, I only got 10% off.


What's the best Christmas present in the World? A broken drum, you can't beat it!


I just went to get my Christmas cake out of the cupboard only to find it Stollen.


Came home last night to find my doors smashed in and everthing gone! Why would someone do that to my advent calendar?


Good King Wenceslas phoned Domino's for a pizza. The salesgirl answered "Do you want your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?"


What do you call Santa's little helpers? Subordinate clauses.

 

[rodgy-dodge]

What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy ?
She gave him the cold shoulder !

What do snowmen wear on their heads ?
Ice caps !

What's an ig ?
An eskimo's home without a loo !

What do snowmen eat for lunch ?
Icebergers !

Where do snowmen go to dance ?
Snowballs !

How do snowmen travel around ?
By iceicle !

What sort of ball doesn't bounce ?
A snowball !

What bird can write under the Arctic Ocean?
A ball-point pen-guin.

How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed ?
You wake up wet !

Why don't the polar bears eat the penguins?
Because they can't get the silver paper off!

 

[CharlieB]

What bird can write under the Arctic Ocean?
A ball-point pen-guin.
Why don't the polar bears eat the penguins?
Because they can't get the silver paper off!

Here comes Mr. Picky Pedantic to spoil those two jokes:

There are no penguins in the Arctic Ocean, all species are restricted to the Southern Hemisphere.

The same logic on the second one, as polar bears are an Arctic species.

 

[fossyant]

Here comes Mr. Picky Pedantic to spoil those two jokes:

There are no penguins in the Arctic Ocean, all species are restricted to the Southern Hemisphere.

The same logic on the second one, as polar bears are an Arctic species.

^ Bah humbug ^

 

[Aperitif]

Here comes Mr. Picky Pedantic to spoil those two jokes:

There are no penguins in the Arctic Ocean, all species are restricted to the Southern Hemisphere.

The same logic on the second one, as polar bears are an Arctic species.

Anyone would think you work in a Zoo! More buns for Charlie!

 

[scots_lass]

I don't care - I liked the jokes!

 

[scots_lass]

Although I am a bit sad that we don't have more Christmas smilies!

 

[Rhythm Thief]

A bloke comes downstairs one morning before Christmas to let his parrot out for a fly around. He opens the cage door, the parrot flies out of the cage and - BANG! - straight into the window.
The parrot falls to the floor, lies there stunned for a minute or so, then sits up blearily. "You f**king w**ker!" it says. "What the f**k did you do that for? My f**king skull's cracked."
The man is astonished. "Hey, stop swearing" he says. The parrot is unabashed.
"F**k off" it says, giving him the finger with one wing. Just put me back in my f**king cage and get out of my f**king sight."
This'll never do, thinks the man. What if the vicar comes round or something? So he puts the parrot back in its cage and covers it up ... no good. He can still hear this torrent of foul language all over the house. He puts the cage in the cupboard under the stairs ... better, but still audible. Eventually, he loses patience and takes the swearing parrot out of its cage, throws it in the freezer and slams the door. Perfect: all he can hear is muffled cursing.
After half an hour or so, it all goes quiet. So he gingerly opens the freezer to find the parrot sitting there quietly. When the parrot sees him, it says "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Let me out of here and I promise I'll never swear again. I'll never say another word. I'm really sorry." So the chap lifts the parrot out of the freezer and puts him back in his cage. After a bit, the parrot says "I do have one question though. What did the turkey do to offend you?"

 

[krushavik]

Snow White takes the the seven dwarfs to Rome, whilst there they visit the Vatican. As they go down a corrider they bump into the pope and in an instant they pope recongises them and says I know you, your Snow White and the seven dwarfs would you like to come and have tea. After tea the pope asked them all kinds of questions and when he finished asked if they would like to ask him a question. Dopey said do you have nuns all over the world to which the pope replied yes, even in the artic the pope said no at this all dwarfs started to chant Dopey's shag a penguin.

 

[661-Pete]

 

[atbman]

And the angel said unto Mary, "Hail".

"That's funny", she said, "the forecast is for snow"

 

[subaqua]

Here comes Mr. Picky Pedantic to spoil those two jokes:

There are no penguins in the Arctic Ocean, all species are restricted to the Southern Hemisphere.

The same logic on the second one, as polar bears are an Arctic species.

no definitley wrong.

Chester zoo is in the north and they have penguins. they used to have a polar bear too i think

 

[CharlieB]

All right, Mr Pedant no.2.

All species are restricted indigenous to the Southern Hemisphere.