Crap Friday joke.

[Globalti]

"Doctor, I'm pregnant for the ninth time! I think I need a hearing aid!"

"A hearing aid, Mrs Jones? I think you need a contraceptive device!"

"Oh no doctor, I need a hearing aid because every night when we go to bed my husband turns to me and asks 'Are we going straight to sleep or what?' and I always reply 'What?'"

 

[TVC]

From the people who brought you:

'I'll hold this nail, and when I nod my head, you hit it'

 

[Speck]

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'​

 

[redjedi]

Is that a joke on a crap Friday or a crap joke on a friday? I could do with the former.
...

...

..
But i see it's the latter.

 

[Tetedelacourse]

How many number 1s did Genesis have?

Depended how much they drank.

One of mine

 

[alecstilleyedye]

How many number 1s did Genesis have?

Depended how much they drank.

One of mine

none - every one of their songs was a number two…

 

[Mr Pig]

How many number 1s did Genesis have? Depended how much they drank

I don't get it :0.

 

[brontesorearse]

A man with a black eye, gets on a plane and sits next to a man who also has a black eye.

" If you dont mind me asking ,how did you get your black eye "?

"Well ,at the sales desk there was this beautiful blonde with a huge bust,and instead of asking for a ticket to Pittsburgh, i asked for a picket to tittsburgh"!

"You"?

" Same sort of thing really, i was having breakfast with my wife,and instead of saying ,Pass the milk for my cornflakes please love"

"I said ,You've ruined my life, you evil twat"!

 

[WindyRob]

Now that was much better.... got any more?

 

[Tetedelacourse]

A man with a black eye, gets on a plane and sits next to a man who also has a black eye.

" If you dont mind me asking ,how did you get your black eye "?

"Well ,at the sales desk there was this beautiful blonde with a huge bust,and instead of asking for a ticket to Pittsburgh, i asked for a picket to tittsburgh"!

"You"?

" Same sort of thing really, i was having breakfast with my wife,and instead of saying ,Pass the milk for my cornflakes please love"

"I said ,You've ruined my life, you evil twat"!

I always found this joke far funnier stopping after the tittsburgh bit

 

[MePower]

What do chavs use for protection during intercourse?


......a bus shelter..

 

[brontesorearse]

There was an elderly man who wanted to make
his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm
count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill
it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the
next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.
Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well,i'll tell you I tried with my
right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My
wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing.
Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left
hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your
wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the
lid off of the bloody specimen cup.

 

[brontesorearse]

An old man and an old lady are getting ready
for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the
bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!"
The old man says "I'll have the soup."

 

[brontesorearse]

A man can't obtain an erection so he goes to
the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his
penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's
willing to try an experimental surgery. The guy asks what the
surgery is. The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base
of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and
hope for the best. The man says to go ahead. The
doctor performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later
gives him the go ahead to try out his "new equipment". The
man takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts
feeling an incredible pressure in his trousers. It gets
unbearable and he thinks no one can see him so he undoes his fly.
No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his trousers,
rolls across the table, grabs a roll, and disappears back
under the table. His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then
gets a sly look on her face. She says "what the hell was that!
Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering and a painfull
expression on his face, he says "Probably, but I don't know if
I can fit another roll up my arse!

 

[Maz]

I don't get it :0.

They had full bladders ('depends how much they drank') and had to go for a number 1 (pee).