Friday joke thread

[cisamcgu]

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." He then turns to the Scotsman. "You're in charge of digging." Finally, he turns to the Chinaman. "And you're in charge of supplies. Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile."

Two hours later, the foreman returns to find the pile of sand untouched, and the Italian and Irishman standing nearby looking sheepish. "Why didn't you sweep or dig any off it?" he asks the pair. The Scotsman looks at him. "We did'nae have a broom or shovel. Y' sed the Chinese guy was in charge of supplies, but he did'nae turn up." He then asks the Italian, who replies. "How canna we work, we hava no tools!"

Annoyed, the foreman storms off to find the errant Oriental. Just then, the Chinaman leaps out from behind the pile of sand and shouts.......













"Supplies!"

 

[tyred]

The Talented Hypnotist

It was opening night at the theatre and the Amazing Claude
was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see
the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage,
he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two
or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance,
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a
beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. I want you each
to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch.
It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing
the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch
the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...." The crowd
became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes
followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the
hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a
hundred pieces. "shoot!" said the hypnotist.


It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.

 

[Shrim]

A manchester utd fan and a liverpool fan were driving head on one night and their cars collide. To their amazement neither is hurt but both cars are destroyed. In celebration of their good luck they agree to put their differences aside from that moment on and the man utd fan goes to the boot of his car and fetches a 12 year old bottle of whiskey. He hands it to the liverpool fan who exclaims, "May the mancs and the scousers live together in harmony" and then gulps down half the bottle. He goes to hand the bottle to the man utd fan who replies, " no thanks, I'll just wait till the police get here you scouse scum!

 

[surfdude]

a hypnotist puts 7 guys under & as he walks across the stage trips & says fu*k me .what i saw next will haunt me for the rest of my life .

 

[johnnyh]

I mistook a bottle of tipex for my liquid Viagra last night, I woke up this morning with an enormous correction!

 

[guitarpete247]

A cyclist goes to the doctor with hearing problems.
"Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.
"Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."

 

[Jezston]

cisamcgu - that joke was just wrong and so am I for laughing so much at it!

 

[guitarpete247]

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I asked "How can you tell them apart?"
He said "Her brother's got a moustache."

 

[guitarpete247]

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip. I said to the lady at the registration desk. "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”

 

[Cubist]

Two guys in a bar, getting slowly hammered. One turns to the other and says; "I've shagged your mother."
To which the other replied

"Time to go home Dad, you're pissed"

 

[Slim]

Man goes into the confessional.....

"Father, I have been shagging two nymphomaniac 18 year Swedish twins twice a day for the last fortnight"


"Mr Finkelstein, you're Jewish, why are you telling me this?"



"Father, I'm telling everybody"

 

[Vapin' Joe]

Funny politically incorrect advert. I thought better of putting it in Commuting -


View: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SInkO3jC9fg&feature=player_embedded

 

[on the road]

Female lecturer reminds her students about exam tomorrow.

"Apart from a death in the family or a nuclear attack I'm not taking any excuses for not taking the exam".

Smartarse at the back says, "What if I'm suffering from complete & utter sexual exhaustion?". Class erupts into laughter. When it quietens down she looks at him and says, "Well you'll have to write with your other hand".

 

[PaulB]

I have been taking self-defence lessons in our local church hall and the teacher asked me to attack him when he least expected it so the following day when I saw him shopping in Sainsbury's, I chucked a tin of baked beans at his head.

 

[2PedalsTez]

A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone."Morning!" he said.The other man replies, "No, just having a shoot."