Friday joke thread

[on the road]

Roman Abramovich is having a yacht party attended by paris hilton. She goes up to him and says "Roman I love you, will you sign my private parts?" Abramovich turns round and says "I'd love to, but the last time I signed a useless tw*t it cost me £50 Million"

 

[Cubist]

I went fora medical at my health centre last week. Halfway through the nurse said.

"Mr Cubist, you need to stop masturbating."

"What for?" I asked

"Because I'm trying to examine you......"

 

[PaulB]

Two young women in the cinema and one says to her friend. 'The man sitting next to me is masturbating.' and her friend says, 'just ignore him.' and the first one says, 'I can't, he's using my hand.'

 

[strofiwimple]

My geordie mate said that with money being so tight this Christmas he has had to get the kids second hand bikes off the internet.
I said "yeah, ebay can come in handy at times like these" He replied "sod ebay-I used google earth"

 

[rikki]

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces:-
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks,
"Esther, did we pay our Visa and MasterCard bill yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing Esther. Did you remember to send the installment cheque for Revenue Canada this month?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Abe," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

Abe answers,
"They'll find us!"

 

[PaulB]

What did one Tampax say to the other one?

Nothing; they were both stuck up bitches.

 

[vernon]

What did one Tampax say to the other one?

Nothing; they were both stuck up bitches.

Tampons for dogs?

Whatever will they think of next?