friday joke time

[walker]

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ralph.' Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back! St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.


The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?' 'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!' 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?' 'Never,' said Ralph. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.' Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.




As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout.....

'Damn it, Ralph! Wake up. You're sh!ttin in the bed!'

 

[Fnaar]

An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.

One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.

"Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."

 

[walker]

A young boy joins a morgue for his work experience, the mortician says to the youg boy 'I want you to de-robe some one of the dead bodies that came in today, you can start with that young lady over there' so the boy, a little shakily, goes off to take the clothes off the young lady while the mortician carries on embalming the rest. 15 minutes later the young boy comes into the mortician and says 'sir, the lady has a prawn stuck between her legs' the mortician a little shocked asks the boy to show him
'there it is between her legs' 'ah, that would be a clitoris' to which the young boy replies

'well it tastes like a prawn'

 

[Crackle]

Thor, the God of war, decides to take a break from stressfull Godly duties and head down to earth to partake of earthly pleasures. To that end he finds a beatuful and willing young maiden and they retire to the bedroom for two days of lovemaking. At the end of the two days, Thor, feeling somewhat less tense, stands up and roars.

"I AM THOR" to which the young maiden replies,
.
.
.
.
"You're th'ore! Am tho th'ore I can't pith"

 

[yenrod]

The Eighteen Bottles


I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my
wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or
else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I
withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the
sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the
cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception
of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third
bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the
cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the
glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and
drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the
sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I
corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted
the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were
twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I
had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under the
affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as
you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the
drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

 

[yenrod]

Q: Why do female parachutists wear tampons?
A: So they don't whistle on the way down...

 

[graham56]

A OAP goes into his local chemists and asks if they sell viagra. "Of course we do sir, how many would you like?"
"Oh, could you cut one up and sell me a quarter please"asks the OAP.
"A quarter? but that won`t give you a full erection sir!" replied the chemist. "Listen sonny" says the old man " i`m 84 years old, i don`t want a full erection i just want it to stick far enough out so as i don`t pi$$ all over my slippers."

 

[beanzontoast]

The Eighteen Bottles


I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my
wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or
else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I
withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the
sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the
cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception
of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third
bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the
cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the
glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and
drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the
sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I
corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted
the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were
twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I
had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under the
affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as
you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the
drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

Never heard that one before. Like it muchly!