Friday Joke.

[red_tom]

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked,
Sister, have you seen a soldier?'

The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq ...'

The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either.'

 

[Fnaar]

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends. A few minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here."

So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

And the string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

 

[yenrod]

And They're Off...

Time: Midnight
Distance: All the way
Purse: $200.00, car keys, drivers license
Weather: Very Drunk
Track: Drippy

Name / Odds


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Bare Belly 2-1
Passionate Lady 5-1
Conscience 100-1
Heavy Bosom 6-1
Cherry 3-1
Silk Panties 2-1
Clean Sheets 100-1
Big Dick 3-1
Thighs 5-1
Jockey Shorts 5-1
Favorites


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Douche Bag 1-1
THEY'RE OFF

Conscience is left at the post. Silk Panties and Jockey Shorts are off with a rush. Bare Belly is beginning to show. Heavy Bosom with Clean Sheetsat the back. Douche Bag is completely lost.

AT THE RAIL

It's Bare Belly on top. Thighs open up a hole and Big Dick is going in. Heavy Bosom is hard pressed. Passionate Lady is coming strong and Conscienceis completely lost.

AT THE TURN

It's Cherry between Big Dick and Passionate Lady. Thighs working hardand Bare Belly is under terrific pressure.

AT THE STRETCH

Cherry cracks under the strain as Big Dick goes in for the kill. Passionate Lady is doing her best and Bare Belly is close up. Big Dick passed Thighs by a full length and Passionate Lady is almost overcome.

AT THE FINISH

Big Dick rushes in, but Passionate Lady takes all he has and it's adead heat. Heavy Bosom folds, Bare Belly is all lathered up at the finish. Thighs pull up and Clean Sheets never had a chance while Conscience wasn't even in the race from the start. Big Dick unexpectedly gives a quick spurt and Passionate Lady kept coming. Douche Bag came in last to clean up the track.

 

[bryce]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says,'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy.'

Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then.'

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,'Shoite!'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.

He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

'Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says, 'No fockin' way', but he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says, 'I can make it to the bed.'

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife,Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says,

'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?'.

Paddy says, 'I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'

'Mick phoned.
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You left your wheelchair at the pub.'

 

[yenrod]

Henry Ford and God
Henry Ford died and went to heaven. At the gates, an angel told Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention-the assembly line-changed the world. As a reward, you can hangout with anyone you want to in Heaven."
Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with God Himself." The be-feathered fellow at the Gates took Ford to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. Ford then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said Ford, "you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much front end protrusion

2. It chatters at high speeds

3. Maintenance is very costly

4. It constantly needs repainting and refinishing

5. It is out of commission 5 or 6 of every 28 days

6. The rear end wobbles too much, and

7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmm," replied God, "hold on." God went to the Celestial Supercomputer, typed in a few keystrokes, and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper.

"It may be that my invention is flawed," God replied to Henry Ford, "but according to statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours!"