Funny things that you've said or heard said to kids

[XmisterIS]

Little kids run round creating havoc and generally wearing adults out ... so I think it's fun when we get our own back!

Here's two that make me laugh:

1) When I was about 9, my cousin was at the age where she would believe anything she was told, without question (about 4 years old). When I discovered this, I told her things like, "don't touch the car or it will explode", or at breakfast, "today you have to eat your cereal as fast as you can or the house will collapse", etc. This continued until my Mother realised what I was doing and whacked me round the back of the head.

2) Said by one of XmrsIS's friends to her five-year-old daughter ... "Oh! No. Ice cream vans only play that tune when they've run out of ice cream!"

 

[slugonabike]

We were on holiday when Slugboy was about 2.5 yo. We stopped fro a cream tea cos Mr Slug and I were having a late dinner, but we wnted SB to have something more nutritious before he went to bed. So we told him that the shop had run out of 'proper' food, therefore MS and I had to make do with a cream tea ...

 

[Toshiba Boy]

When my lad was c4 years old, his goldfish died one night, and knowing how upset he'd be, I told him the next morning that it was cruel to keep a fish in such a small bowl, and that I'd taken "The Colonel" around to Grandpa's and put him in his fishpond (the fish not Grandpa!).

For a couple of years afterwards he would swear that he could tell which of my Dad's many fish was "The Colonel" and would say hello.

It was only many years further on, at a family meal that I let slip the truth, my boy was about 17 (he's now 22), he was absolutely horrified, .... so funny.

 

[Arch]

You need this book:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Great-Lies-Tell-Small-Kids/dp/0340834056

and its sequels...

My Dad once dialled a number, and then handed me the phone and told me to ask what the time was. I did, and the lady told me. Then he told me to say thank you and put the phone down, which I also did.

I don't remember when it was I found out about the speaking clock...

 

[amnesia]

Despite what my mother told me... I still haven't gone blind

 

[PaulB]

My four year old once took a comic off the shelf while we were shopping in an Asda and forgot to put it back and we came out without realising he had picked it up and it didn't belong to him so didn't pay for it. When we got home and realised what had happened, I rang my mate up and asked him to dial my number and I'd pass him on to my son and he'd pretend he was Asda security and ask him some serious questions. His face was a picture and he slammed the phone down but we told him they'd be coming round to lock him up! We wound him up about it for ages.

 

[TheDoctor]

I overheard this one in Stevenage town centre.
Ms Chav and 5-or-so year old daughter were walking along.
I didn't hear what the daughter said, but I did hear the mothers' reply.
"Don't you f*cking swear at me, you bitch!!!"
I nearly wet myself.

 

[Black Sheep]

I've just been away on cub camp (leader) and got a bit bored of one of the kids constantly telling me knock knock jokes (all the normal ones, 'the who', 'doctor who' etc) so I asked my own

Knock knock,

who's there?

[silence]

mmm?

[more silence]

who?

A monk who's taken a vow of silence!


I'll remember some more at some point.

 

[rusky]

I told my 5 year old that if he didn't eat his dinner, I would call the police & they would come & take him away.

He started to get upset but still didn't eat.

I grabbed the phone, more tears but was still reluctant to eat.

Phone to ear & he starts howling, tears streaming down his cheeks. but more interested in stopping me talking to the police than eating.

Google "police siren mp3" & play it.

End result one child who I have never seen so upset before or since forcing down huge spoonfuls of dinner between sobs & tears.

Now I'm typing this, I feel a bit guilty

 

[Mad Doug Biker]

I told him the next morning that it was cruel to keep a fish in such a small bowl,

Well, it is, because the fish can't grow fully so it dies as it's internal organs get too big
Ever wonder why they don't live more than a couple of years when in reality they can live for 40+ years??
Yer tank is too small! (and DON'T over stock it either, too many fish is just as bad).

Oh and a traditional bowl is crap as they don't get as much oxygen as they otherwise would.

and that I'd taken "The Colonel" around to Grandpa's and put him in his fishpond (the fish not Grandpa!).

A pond is FAR better (as long as it's big enough), so Grandpa Tosh was at least right.


MDB, who has had goldfish for 3 or 4 years now and is considering donating them to the Botanic Gardens so that they can live in the pond as they really ARE getting quite big now.

 

[Mad Doug Biker]

My four year old once took a comic off the shelf while we were shopping in an Asda and forgot to put it back and we came out without realising he had picked it up and it didn't belong to him so didn't pay for it. When we got home and realised what had happened, I rang my mate up and asked him to dial my number and I'd pass him on to my son and he'd pretend he was Asda security and ask him some serious questions. His face was a picture and he slammed the phone down but we told him they'd be coming round to lock him up! We wound him up about it for ages.

......Meanwhile some poor scrote on the minimum wage got it in the neck when they did the stock take.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Well, it is, because the fish can't grow fully so it dies as it's internal organs get too big
Ever wonder why they don't live more than a couple of years when in reality they can live for 40+ years??
Yer tank is too small! (and DON'T over stock it either, too many fish is just as bad).

Oh and a traditional bowl is crap as they don't get as much oxygen as they otherwise would.



A pond is FAR better (as long as it's big enough), so Grandpa Tosh was at least right.


MDB, who has had goldfish for 3 or 4 years now and is considering donating them to the Botanic Gardens so that they can live in the pond as they really ARE getting quite big now.

I totally agree re the bowl/cruelty issue MDB, and with hindsight wouldn't do it again. Having said that, my brother in law has a goldfish that he won at a fair ( ), in such a bowl that is still alive 25 years on!

 

[taxing]

When we were kids my dad had us believe for YEARS that he had a 'fast button' in his car. It was just one of the icons to do with the air con, so for years we would press this picture and he'd accelerate. We honesty believed it was real up until being about 8. There were lots of rules surrounding the fast button, which we loved to discuss endlessly. No pressing it on bends or it wouldn't work, no pressing it when there was a car nearby or it wouldn't work, etc. But how does the car know, we'd wonder?

Last weekend my 3 year old niece was round and she was nagging me about what there was in for dinner. 'Dog poo on toast,' I eventually said. 'No.' I could see the cogs turning. 'We don't have any in.'

 

[j66]

A few years ago, when she was a toddler, my daughter fell over on a path through the park and started crying. Her mother was a couple of yards behind, didn't quite see how she fell, and was concerned she might have cut herself somewhere that wasn't immediately apparent. So she asked 'What did you hit?'. Exasperated, my daughter howled - 'The GROUND!!!'

 

[twentysix by twentyfive]

Me to my neice (she was about 4 or 5) "When you grow up do you want to be a proper little madam?)
Neice "Oh yes"
Me "Yes I thought so"

All done with a straight face and appropriate concern for the wee girl.

Sorry - sometimes I just can't help myself. But she won't remember (thankfully).


Also Little boy from Next door boasts "My dad has two cars"

Me - "But I've got two bikes!"

I've never ever seen quite so much confusion on anybody's face before or since