Honest opinions needed!

[Sam Kennedy]

Don't worry, I'm not going to sell out on you guys

I'm trying to make a bit of extra money doing internet marketing, and there is a new product being developed which I'm going to try and sell, but I need a convincing presell page.

I haven't linked to the product here, I don't want to be accused of spamming or trying to sell anything to people here.

I was just wondering if you could read the following text and give me your honest opinion of what you think. Don't worry, I wont be offended!

So here it is:

There is a reason YOU aren't the person on the podium...

What you need is a Structured training plan, which keeps you focused and on target.

Your training plan should be simple and easy to follow.

Your training days should complement each other, so that you get the maximum results for your time.

The Pareto principle states that 80% of your improvements come from 20% of your efforts, you need to spend more time training in that 20% zone.

You need advice from People who have actually won pro races, not a 2nd cat club rider(though, it wouldn't hurt to get some advice from them!)

Most importantly you need to enjoy your time on the bike, you will never get through a hard session if you are bored out of your mind and suffering.


Once you have your training plan in order, you will notice you are the one who people don't want in a breakaway.

You will be powering through climbs, and speeding along the flat, making your competitors struggle to hold your wheel.

YOU will be controlling the race, no more suffering just to hang on to the group.

Before you know it YOU will be the one miles down the road, impossible to catch.

You will be in the best form of your life.

Do it, TEAR THE LEGS OFF THE PACK!

(FYI: The final version will be much prettier, it's the wording I'm focusing on ATM)

Don't worry, you wont find any affiliate links in my sig, profile, or anywhere else on this forum. I really don't want to mix socialising with marketing!

So what do you think?

 

[gaz]

My opinion is you need to move away from cycling specific stuff, your target market is going to be small and your profit won't be great.

 

[Shaun]

Too much bold underline ...

 

[Norm]

Too much bold underline ...

+1. I got bored with being spoon fed the bits which someone else thought might be important early on in the piece.

That said, though, I would have been bored anyway. IMO, that's about twice as long as it needs to be.

Get a spelling and grammar checker to proof read it first too.

 

[Sam Kennedy]

You're right, I'm going to move away from the blatant sales page look, and structure it like normal text.

 

[andyfromotley]

Far too wordy imo. Just as an experiment try re writing it, keeping each point but in as few words as possible. I have done this before and found it a useful exercise.

Then a happy medium may appear in the middle.

andy

 

[Sam Kennedy]

Here is my latest:

[B][COLOR=#000000][FONT=Calibri]Climb  like a [B]BEAST[/B] and [U]Control the Race![/U][/FONT][/COLOR][/B]

[COLOR=#000000][FONT=Calibri]How would you feel if  you could:
[B] 
[LIST]
[*][U]Ride 10 to  30% faster[/U] in as little as 4 weeks
[*]Climb with little  suffering, staying at the front of the pack
[*][U]Accelerate like a  madman[/U] and drop the pack
[*]Power away from anyone attempting  to hold your wheel
[*]Receive guidance from [U]REAL experts[/U]
[*]Have  access to all sorts of Articles and Videos, showing [U]you[/U]  how to  get into top form
[/LIST]

[/B]  After signing up with #####   you will have access to all that, and more![/FONT][/COLOR]  [COLOR=#000000][FONT=Calibri]Within  as little as 4  weeks, you will be able to climb and sprint with ease, [B]eliminating   the mass finish.[/B][/FONT][/COLOR]

[COLOR=#000000][FONT=Calibri][B]Your Lactate Threshold  will  improve[/B], meaning you can work harder without feeling the burn.[/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#000000][FONT=Calibri]I'm guessing you have  heard about all sorts of training  programs, they all claim that their  program is the only one which  brings results. However, the people at ####### have a solid  background.[/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#000000][FONT=Calibri]
[/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#000000][FONT=Calibri]The people behind ###### are  [B]all ex-Professional Riders[/B][/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#000000][FONT=Calibri]Among 4 of them,  they have  the following achievements:[/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#000000][FONT=Calibri]
[/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#000000][FONT=Calibri][B] - Selected  for 2 Olympic Games
- Won 3 Commonwealth medals
- Competed in 8  World Championships
- Won 8 National titles
- Set 18 National  Records
- Won 24 National Championship Medals
- Competed in 24  World Cup Events
- Gathered 15 years of Professional Racing  experience
- They have coached the Australian National Team [/B][/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#000000][FONT=Calibri]  [B]They guarantee you the results you desire[/B], even if you  have an  extremely limited amount of time to train.[/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#000000][FONT=Calibri]
[/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#000000][FONT=Calibri]If you aren't  happy for  any reason, you get a [B]100% refund![/B] [/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#000000][FONT=Calibri]Have  you heard of the  Pareto Principle? It states than 80% of your results  come from 20% of  your efforts.
####### will get you training in that 20% sweet spot.[/FONT][/COLOR]

However it's about to be replaced with something a lot more formal, I just need to finish writing it

It also looks nicer on my site, the code tags seem to have messed the formatting up a bit.

 

[Mark_Robson]

It looks and reads much better than the first attempt but I would still drop the underlines and replace the word madman with something more PC.

 

[killiekosmos]

"They guarantee you the results you desire, even if you have an extremely limited amount of time to train."

I doubt if this would hold up under Trade Descriptions Act / Sale of Goods Act!

I DESIRE to cycle like Lance Armstrong and I have a very limited time to train! I'll need my money back.

You need to be careful about over-selling your product/services. Remember the advice consumer groups give out: If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.

Try to make reasonable claims which can be backed up with evidence, otherwise many people will think it's a con.

You could ask some CC members to try it out FOC to get such evidence