jay clock
Massive member
- Location
- Hampshire UK
He of "breth test" postings...
He says in another post that he misses Texas, so perhaps he should do this quiz?
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We say 'potato', they say 'potato'. They call a slapper a tramp, a tramp a bum, a bum a fanny, and a fanny a puh-seh. In 1946, US war hero John Wayne said that Britain and America were two countries separated by a common language. This may have been true then, but is it still true today? Thanks to the Internet, Concorde and cordless phones, the world is shrinking, and American culture is increasingly an everyday part of the British way of life. With our star-spangled diet of McDonalds food, Coca-Cola and the Disney channel, it is almost inevitable that we will soon become the 51st state of the Union. But are you ready to be a Yank? Get off your hoss, drink your milk and answer these questions. See how well you Yankee Doodle do!
Answer the following questions, a, b or c. Tot up your scores at the end to see how American you are!
1 You decide your relationship with your partner is over. How do you break the news that you are leaving?
a)[FONT="] [/FONT]Leave a tearful note on the kitchen table and slip away in the night
[FONT="] [/FONT]Sit down with your partner and calmly discuss the reasons for your decision
c)[FONT="] [/FONT]Attack him with a chair in front of a rabble of cheering, pumped-up trailer-trash vermin on national TV
2 You are visiting the Middle East and are concerned over the recent terrorist attacks on foreign nationals. What do you wear to remain inconspicuous?
a)[FONT="] [/FONT]A tee-shirt and a pair of jeans
[FONT="] [/FONT]A Demis Roussos tent dress, a fez, a false beard and sunglasses
c)[FONT="] [/FONT]A hi-rise baseball cap, trainers with knee length socks, horrendous flowery shirt, Eric Morecambe shorts and 8 cameras
3 Where are you most likely to find your local copper?
a)[FONT="] [/FONT]outside his police house in the village, mending a puncture on his bicycle
[FONT="] [/FONT]asleep in his patrol car on a motorway flyover
c)[FONT="] [/FONT]relaxing on his yacht, wearing a pastel suit with the sleeves rolled up, feeding his pet crocodile
4 You are the political leader of your country. An interviewer asks you a question on foreign affairs. How do you respond?
a)[FONT="] [/FONT]Knowledgeably, addressing the issues and answering all the points
B)[FONT="] [/FONT]As best you can, deftly steering the conversation towards topics on which you are better qualified to speak
c)[FONT="] [/FONT]Stand there grinning gormlessly before throwing up on the Japanese Prime Minister, then going home for a blow job from a fat-titted intern
5 You fancy a night in watching something funny on the telly. What kind of show would you choose?
a)[FONT="] [/FONT]A sitcom like Fawlty Towers or Father Ted
B)[FONT="] [/FONT]A sketch show like the Fast Show or Smack the Pony
c)[FONT="] [/FONT]A thinly disguised morality play set in a massive lounge where the audience whoop for ten minutes every time an overpaid actor makes an entrance to deliver a lightweight wisecrack
6 Your 14 year old son is going through a difficult phase. He is disruptive at school and reclusive at home. What do you do?
a)[FONT="] [/FONT]Don’t worry its just a phase he’s going through. You were the same at his age.
B)[FONT="] [/FONT]Encourage him to get out and about more, perhaps joining a youth club or doing some team games.
c)[FONT="] [/FONT]Take him to the local supermarket and buy him an arsenal of semi-automatic weapons and enough ammunition to kill a small town
[FONT="]
[/FONT] 7 You and your mates decide to have a game of football in the park. What do you need to take?
a)[FONT="] [/FONT]A ball
B)[FONT="] [/FONT]A ball and two jumpers
c)[FONT="] [/FONT]A ball, 50 crash helmets, 4 tons of body armour, 20 cheerleaders, a marching band with a grand piano on a trolley and a team of orthopaedic surgeons specialising in spinal injuries
8 Whilst getting ready for bed you stub your toe on the wife’s dressing table. What do you do?
a)[FONT="] [/FONT]Shout and swear a little – after all it did hurt and you weren’t wearing your slippers at the time
B)[FONT="] [/FONT]Make a mental note to move the table as soon as possible to prevent it happening again
c)[FONT="] [/FONT]immediately call a hotshot lawyer with an uptown reputation and sue your wife’s ass
9 You are driving along a country road one day when you accidentally run over a rabbit. What do you do?
a)[FONT="] [/FONT]Stay and see how badly injured it is, taking it to a vet if it is still alive
B)[FONT="] [/FONT]Carry on driving, but hope that it is still alive or if not that it died quickly
c)[FONT="] [/FONT]Strap it across the bonnet of your car and drive home hollering and whooping, throwing empty Budweiser cans out of the window
10 You wake up one morning with a stiff neck after sleeping in a rather awkward position. What do you do?
a)[FONT="] [/FONT]Ignore it. It will probably loosen up as the day goes on
B)[FONT="] [/FONT]Take a couple of aspirins and get on with things
c)[FONT="] [/FONT]Take yourself to a prostitute addicted televangelist faith healer in an ill fitting wig, who will lay his hand on your forehead, whilst screaming about the devil in front of an audience of gibbering inbreds.
11 What do you have for breakfast?
a)[FONT="] [/FONT]A bowl of Cornflakes, a slice of toast and a cup of tea
B)[FONT="] [/FONT]A glass of orange juice, a croissant and a black coffee
c)[FONT="] [/FONT]A bag of donuts with ice cream, a 32 oz steak with six eggs sunny side up, fifteen pancakes with maple syrup, a dozen waffles, five corn dogs, and root beer.
12 What type of car do you drive?
a)[FONT="] [/FONT]A small economical hatchback
B)[FONT="] [/FONT]A medium sized family saloon
c)[FONT="] [/FONT]A forty foot long chrome plated juke box which does one mile to the gallon
13 You and your partner decide to take the plunge and get married. What sort of ceremony do you have?
a)[FONT="] [/FONT]A quiet little do with a few friends in a registry office
B)[FONT="] [/FONT]A church service followed by a traditional reception at a fancy hotel
c)[FONT="] [/FONT]A minute long mockery at a 24 hour drive thru chapel in Las Vegas, presided over by a transvestite vicar dressed as Elvis.
So how did you Yankee Doodle do?
Mostly a’s: you are in no way American. You probably still spell colour with a ‘u’ and call your trousers ‘trousers’. Try wearing a baseball cap back to front and driving on the wrong side of the road.
Mostly b’s: Good try. Your are halfway there, but could do better. Why not put a little white fence around your garden and ask the postman to put your post in a breadbin on a stick.
Mostly c’s: Well hot diggety, you’re as American as Uncle Sam with pastrami on rye. You were born on the 4th of July and you’ve got Mom’s apple pie and napalm coming out of the buns of your ass. Take the fifth and have a nice day, y’all.
He says in another post that he misses Texas, so perhaps he should do this quiz?
-----------
We say 'potato', they say 'potato'. They call a slapper a tramp, a tramp a bum, a bum a fanny, and a fanny a puh-seh. In 1946, US war hero John Wayne said that Britain and America were two countries separated by a common language. This may have been true then, but is it still true today? Thanks to the Internet, Concorde and cordless phones, the world is shrinking, and American culture is increasingly an everyday part of the British way of life. With our star-spangled diet of McDonalds food, Coca-Cola and the Disney channel, it is almost inevitable that we will soon become the 51st state of the Union. But are you ready to be a Yank? Get off your hoss, drink your milk and answer these questions. See how well you Yankee Doodle do!
Answer the following questions, a, b or c. Tot up your scores at the end to see how American you are!
1 You decide your relationship with your partner is over. How do you break the news that you are leaving?
a)[FONT="] [/FONT]Leave a tearful note on the kitchen table and slip away in the night
[FONT="] [/FONT]Sit down with your partner and calmly discuss the reasons for your decisionc)[FONT="] [/FONT]Attack him with a chair in front of a rabble of cheering, pumped-up trailer-trash vermin on national TV
2 You are visiting the Middle East and are concerned over the recent terrorist attacks on foreign nationals. What do you wear to remain inconspicuous?
a)[FONT="] [/FONT]A tee-shirt and a pair of jeans
[FONT="] [/FONT]A Demis Roussos tent dress, a fez, a false beard and sunglassesc)[FONT="] [/FONT]A hi-rise baseball cap, trainers with knee length socks, horrendous flowery shirt, Eric Morecambe shorts and 8 cameras
3 Where are you most likely to find your local copper?
a)[FONT="] [/FONT]outside his police house in the village, mending a puncture on his bicycle
[FONT="] [/FONT]asleep in his patrol car on a motorway flyoverc)[FONT="] [/FONT]relaxing on his yacht, wearing a pastel suit with the sleeves rolled up, feeding his pet crocodile
4 You are the political leader of your country. An interviewer asks you a question on foreign affairs. How do you respond?
a)[FONT="] [/FONT]Knowledgeably, addressing the issues and answering all the points
B)[FONT="] [/FONT]As best you can, deftly steering the conversation towards topics on which you are better qualified to speak
c)[FONT="] [/FONT]Stand there grinning gormlessly before throwing up on the Japanese Prime Minister, then going home for a blow job from a fat-titted intern
5 You fancy a night in watching something funny on the telly. What kind of show would you choose?
a)[FONT="] [/FONT]A sitcom like Fawlty Towers or Father Ted
B)[FONT="] [/FONT]A sketch show like the Fast Show or Smack the Pony
c)[FONT="] [/FONT]A thinly disguised morality play set in a massive lounge where the audience whoop for ten minutes every time an overpaid actor makes an entrance to deliver a lightweight wisecrack
6 Your 14 year old son is going through a difficult phase. He is disruptive at school and reclusive at home. What do you do?
a)[FONT="] [/FONT]Don’t worry its just a phase he’s going through. You were the same at his age.
B)[FONT="] [/FONT]Encourage him to get out and about more, perhaps joining a youth club or doing some team games.
c)[FONT="] [/FONT]Take him to the local supermarket and buy him an arsenal of semi-automatic weapons and enough ammunition to kill a small town
[FONT="]
[/FONT] 7 You and your mates decide to have a game of football in the park. What do you need to take?
a)[FONT="] [/FONT]A ball
B)[FONT="] [/FONT]A ball and two jumpers
c)[FONT="] [/FONT]A ball, 50 crash helmets, 4 tons of body armour, 20 cheerleaders, a marching band with a grand piano on a trolley and a team of orthopaedic surgeons specialising in spinal injuries
8 Whilst getting ready for bed you stub your toe on the wife’s dressing table. What do you do?
a)[FONT="] [/FONT]Shout and swear a little – after all it did hurt and you weren’t wearing your slippers at the time
B)[FONT="] [/FONT]Make a mental note to move the table as soon as possible to prevent it happening again
c)[FONT="] [/FONT]immediately call a hotshot lawyer with an uptown reputation and sue your wife’s ass
9 You are driving along a country road one day when you accidentally run over a rabbit. What do you do?
a)[FONT="] [/FONT]Stay and see how badly injured it is, taking it to a vet if it is still alive
B)[FONT="] [/FONT]Carry on driving, but hope that it is still alive or if not that it died quickly
c)[FONT="] [/FONT]Strap it across the bonnet of your car and drive home hollering and whooping, throwing empty Budweiser cans out of the window
10 You wake up one morning with a stiff neck after sleeping in a rather awkward position. What do you do?
a)[FONT="] [/FONT]Ignore it. It will probably loosen up as the day goes on
B)[FONT="] [/FONT]Take a couple of aspirins and get on with things
c)[FONT="] [/FONT]Take yourself to a prostitute addicted televangelist faith healer in an ill fitting wig, who will lay his hand on your forehead, whilst screaming about the devil in front of an audience of gibbering inbreds.
11 What do you have for breakfast?
a)[FONT="] [/FONT]A bowl of Cornflakes, a slice of toast and a cup of tea
B)[FONT="] [/FONT]A glass of orange juice, a croissant and a black coffee
c)[FONT="] [/FONT]A bag of donuts with ice cream, a 32 oz steak with six eggs sunny side up, fifteen pancakes with maple syrup, a dozen waffles, five corn dogs, and root beer.
12 What type of car do you drive?
a)[FONT="] [/FONT]A small economical hatchback
B)[FONT="] [/FONT]A medium sized family saloon
c)[FONT="] [/FONT]A forty foot long chrome plated juke box which does one mile to the gallon
13 You and your partner decide to take the plunge and get married. What sort of ceremony do you have?
a)[FONT="] [/FONT]A quiet little do with a few friends in a registry office
B)[FONT="] [/FONT]A church service followed by a traditional reception at a fancy hotel
c)[FONT="] [/FONT]A minute long mockery at a 24 hour drive thru chapel in Las Vegas, presided over by a transvestite vicar dressed as Elvis.
So how did you Yankee Doodle do?
Mostly a’s: you are in no way American. You probably still spell colour with a ‘u’ and call your trousers ‘trousers’. Try wearing a baseball cap back to front and driving on the wrong side of the road.
Mostly b’s: Good try. Your are halfway there, but could do better. Why not put a little white fence around your garden and ask the postman to put your post in a breadbin on a stick.
Mostly c’s: Well hot diggety, you’re as American as Uncle Sam with pastrami on rye. You were born on the 4th of July and you’ve got Mom’s apple pie and napalm coming out of the buns of your ass. Take the fifth and have a nice day, y’all.
