Sage advice to assorted wildlife. Dear Squirrel.......

[betty swollocks]

.......when the unexpected and silent approach of a cyclist surprises you from your nut-gathering activities, please do not try to escape by frantically scrambling up a metal signpost: you won't make it. It will defeat even your legendary climbing skill. Try the tree next door.

Dear pheasants, please use your collective brain cell to learn that when the silent approach of a cyclist causes you so much panic that you explode into the air with much commotion, squawking and clattering of wings, it is simply no good to land a hundred yards down the road.
Dear pheasants, please use your collective brain cell to learn that when the silent approach of a cyclist etc. etc. And repeat and repeat.

Dear badger, I'd like to see you alive...........just for once and not as a rotting, forlorn, black and white carcass. So, next time a car approaches, please scuttle out of the way pronto.

 

[Night Train]

.......when the unexpected and silent approach of a cyclist surprises you from your nut-gathering activities, please do not try to escape by frantically scrambling up a metal signpost: you won't make it. It will defeat even your legendary climbing skill. Try the tree next door.

Dear pheasants, please use your collective brain cell to learn that when the silent approach of a cyclist, causes you so much panic that you explode into the air with much commotion, squawking and clattering of wings, it is simply no good to land a hundered yards down the road.
Dear pheasants, please use your collective brain cell to learn that when the silent approach of a cyclist etc. etc. And repeat and repeat.

I'd just like to add:
Dear pheasants, when you are in the road and a car comes along I can understand that you want to escape from being run over. Flying along the road to try and escape from the approaching car doesn't work, unless you can fly faster then the car.
Please borrow the collective brain cell from the pheasants mentioned above and take advantage of your ability to fly and then fly either higher then the car or sideways to the road.

Also, as a creature that can fly, why do you choose to run across a busy road? And why do you only do it when there is a car approaching? You are pheasants not chickens, nor playing chicken.

 

[upsidedown]

Somebody once told me that if you put some jam in a pot with some bird seed, a pheasant will put its head in to eat them. The jam makes the pot stick to its head and when it stands up it thinks it's gone dark and goes to sleep.


I'll believe anything.

 

[growingvegetables]

And peacocks, please ....... you're big shiny b*****s of birds. Don't, just don't, shriek and take off across the road, low flying, when a bike comes up behind you.

Trust me - I'm more nervous than you are!

 

[coffeejo]

Dear pheasants (again),

If you're going to commit suicide, please at least wait until (a) you're nice and plump, (b) I'm on my way home and (c) do it in such a fashion that renders you edible after the fact.

 

[Orange]

Cats

It really is not necessary to sit at the side of the road, watching me approach before sauntering across in front of me - and then just when I think its safe, suicidally turning back the way you just came and streaking in front of my wheel as if deliberately trying to cause an off. Evil, some of these moggies.

 

[Speicher]

I have some sage advice for turkeys with only one brain cell:

and onion stuffing