Tales you've seen / heard at work

[Spoked Wheels]

There is always a good tale at work that people keep going back to time and time again

I'll get the ball rolling with this tale about this guy that used to work at a company I worked for some 10 years ago.

Well this guy had a few tales before he got the sack and they were all funny IMO

I never met the guy, he left 4 days before I joined the project... but people used to talk about him all the time

He was a tech support guy working for a software house... the project was under a lot of pressure de be ready on time so anyone wanting to do overtime was more than welcome... this guy was a contractor so his timesheet needed to be approved by the project manager every week.... so, one Monday he left his timesheet to be signed with the manager and when he came back to collect it the manager said to him "Good god, you have been busy, haven't you" and he replied "Oh yeah, been working like a dog" so the manager said "indeed, you even managed to work 50 hours in 2 consecutive days"

 

[Fnaar]

Guy was having a few probs... drink related (I'm not one to make light of this, btw... ) but this fella managed to throw up on the managers desk when called in for a chat....

 

[Dave5N]

Guy was having a few probs... drink related (I'm not one to make light of this, btw... ) but this fella managed to throw up on the managers desk when called in for a chat....

Did you get adequate affirmation at the AA group?

 

[BigonaBianchi]

...talking about vomiting...I used to work on a forward $/DM desk in Cannon street....one day this new guy appeared on the desk (total retard) and he was instantly given some serious lines as he came highly recommneded...anyway that lunchtime (11am start) he went out with his new lines (banks) on the piss...3pm he rolls back up at the desk jus tin time for some figure releases which came out as a surprise and the place errupted ...anyway...this worm just vomited all over his desk and shorted out his phone board...then passed out on the floor behind the boss's chair in a stinking heap....then urinated in his trousers....day one in the new job.

 

[Dave5N]

BOAB. You have City experience. Remind us why the City banks failed, will you?

 

[buggi]

At a work's "merger" dinner, i met our new CEO when i was drunk and he was waiting at the reception desk. i plonked myself on the desk and said (and this is AFTER listening to his speech)

"Alright mate....who are you then?"

he told me his name, and i said,

"yea but what do you do?"

he told me he was the CEO.

I said "What does that stand for?"

he told me.

I said "Oooo right... must have been in one of the naff emails they send round that i never read!" and proceeded to chat bollox to him for the next 10 mins. then one of my other boss's came over and said "Let me rescue you from Antonia" and i said to my other boss... "Oi mate, he can talk to whoever he likes, thank you very much... can't you hun?"

woke up the next morning feeling

funnily enough it broke the ice and he always stops to say hi.

 

[buggi]

and another time i took a call for my boss, Ian, from a consultant on a friday just as i was about to leave work. my boss was on another call and mouthed to me "keep him waiting". The consultant was scottish and thus very friendly and i was chatting away, keeping him on the phone, and kind of forgot how important he was.

the consultant said "i hear Ian is going on holiday on Monday?

i said "yea, he's going to Goa"

he said, "Ooo that will be nice, but i hope he doesn't come back with a disease"

I said.....

[wait for it...]

"Oh it's alright, he won't, he's taking his girlfriend"

The consultant said "Er.... i didn't mean that kind of disease!"



i promptly put him through to my boss and ran... by the time he got back from holiday he had forgiven me.

 

[Ashtrayhead]

One of my colleagues was a sleep-walker and during one of his episodes was found by the night duty at 0500am standing stark naked at a bus stop in Trafalgar Road, Greenwich waiting for the bus to go to work.

 

[alecstilleyedye]

yesterday, i was discussing the ramifications of the no vote to the manchester congestion charge with two girls i work with. one had voted yes, the other hadn't bothered. being an ad agency we talked a bit about how we might have handled the yes campaign and other such talk. anyway, the not so bright non-voting one piped up "can we talk about shoes now?".

 

[Spoked Wheels]

I was reading your posts and my wife came to ask me what was so funny that I was laughing so much


Many years ago I worked in another software house developing a system for the Scottish Office... so a few of us went up to Edinburgh for a meeting with the client and there we were, about 15 people, listening to this lady who was drawing some diagrams on the board and talking to us.... at one point she dropped the pen on the floor and as she bent down to pick it up she farted so loudly

 

[Arch]

Not a colleague, but a customer...

When I worked at Iceland, one day we had a real fire alarm (I mean the alarm was real, not a drill, there wasn't a fire in the end) Anyway, we had to go round the store asking customers to leave their trolleys and move outside. One chap said "oh, yes, of course!" and started to walk away. I called him back and asked if he'd like to take the toddler who was sitting in the seat....

 

[ianrauk]

at a previous workplace of mine, a colleague was caught on all fours, sniffing one of the secretary's seats...

 

[gbb]

To follow Arch's fire alarm post...
We had a full unnanounced alarm / evacuation practice earlier this year.
One girl from the offices was missing at the role call, so we sent out people looking for her....
They found her, still sitting at her desk, alarm blaring in the office...with her fingers in her ears

We so bady wanted to get the security camera footage....it'd have gone on youtube so fast....

 

[gbb]

Back in ...errrr 1975 ish...i used to work for a surveying company, doing seismic surveys of the Nottinghamshire area for future coafields (Harby, Hose etc)...best job i ever had. Many many incidents and a good bunch of lads up for a laugh.
We used to drive fully loaded Landrovers, PROPER off road work

Mate and myself were in the back of a cab only version, and three guys in the front. We pulled up at a field gate, and i jumped down to open it. On the other side of the gate was a full slurry pit about 3 ft deep...all the surface was dried with the sun.
'Bugger, wouldnt it be funny if they drove it straight in' i said to t'other guy in the back.
And so they unwittingly did

The crust broke, landrover got stuck, the stench was overpowering, i ran off crying with laughter in one direction, my mate jumped off and ran in another direction.....and the 3 guys in the front were stuck as the slurry level was above the door bottoms

The driver frantically rocked the landrover trying to get it out, they were all choking...we were laughing so much i thought my sides woud split. They stank to high heaven when they did get out....

I chose to travel back to base in someone elses truck.

The tales from that job could go on and on. Proper dynamite to blow things up with, 4WD trucks, open air jobs, complete lack of supervision and a bunch of nutters to work with....it's a wonder no-one got killed. I nearly did three times

1st time....detonating a charge (placed in a bore hole 10ft underground) the guy failed to make sure everyone was out of the way. I wasnt, and was right on top of the charge. It went off, the ground would raise an inch or two normally....my neck compressed. Bloody painfull...and if it had cratered, i'd have flew a good few metres in the air.

2nd time...one did crater (we could 'arrange it'..it was more fun)...and a huge clod of earth came flying towards me....thankfully fell a little short)

3rd time...crashed a landrover at 65 mph on the A1...straight over the central reservation, across the other carriageway...THUMP...head on into a ditch on the other side. Severe shock, but no injuries..and wrote off the Landrover.

 

[mickle]

A guy I used to work with in a bike shop was also a security guard in the City. On his way in one morning from Catford he got 200 yards from his front door and the chain dropped down between the crank and the BB. It's four in the morning, two inches of snow with a freezing wind and he hasn't warmed up yet. So he's down on his hands and knees, his fingers are covered in black gunk and freezing because he's taken his gloves off to unhook the chain, running late and getting more and more frustrated. Absolutely miserable. Then he thinks he hears shouting away in the distance, looks around, nothing, gets back to untangling the chain. He hears it again, louder this time. Catford shopping centre at four on a freezing cold morning, the place is deserted, when across the top of the street skips a stark bollock naked man doing a jig and shouting, 'Look at meeee!.... LOOK AT MEEEEE!