Those messages of...

[Kirstie]

...bereavement.

One of my closest friends has just had a bereavement.

And you find yourself saying things like - or rather writing - 'sincere condolances' 'i'm so very sorry for your loss' 'thinking of you' and all that.

And at the time you mean it. But when you look at it again, it looks cliched and insincere. But then you don't want to overdo it either, because it's hard enough for the bereaved person without seeing a mate upset too.

Difficult line to tread, ain't it?

 

[rich p]

I'm pretty sure it's the fact that you've said something rather than the content that matters to the recipient.

 

[threebikesmcginty]

I had this only yesterday and it is difficult.

I spoke to one of our land agents recently and he was going to get some work organised. I hadn't heard any more and I emailed him yesterday for an update only to get a reply from his secretary to say he'd been killed in an accident a few days after I'd contacted him. He was a nice bloke and only mid 40s - I had to think about the reply to make it sound right when I read it back to myself, at first it looked awkward but hopefully the reply came across as intended.

 

[jonny jeez]

My next door neighbour died, sudenly at a young age (37). I went around to offer my condolences to his wife and came out with "I dont know what to say".....it was all that i could think to say for all the reasons you mentioned.

Not sure how I would express that in a card though.

 

[Arch]

My next door neighbour died, sudenly at a young age (37). I went around to offer my condolences to his wife and came out with "I dont know what to say".....it was all that i could think to say for all the reasons you mentioned.

Not sure how I would express that in a card though.

If it seems appropriate, you'd just write it - if you knew the bereaved person well enough. Any message helps, if it shows someone is thinking about you. Even one of those stilted "you know, well, anyway, if there's anything I can do, whatever...." messages.

 

[Kirstie]

There is pretty much nothing you can say to make the situation better and situations like these have practically no redeeming features whatsoever.

There's this stoic formality about it which I find very weird when all I want to do is give my friend a hug!

 

[Wigsie]

There is pretty much nothing you can say to make the situation better and situations like these have practically no redeeming features whatsoever.

There's this stoic formality about it which I find very weird when all I want to do is give my friend a hug!

Sometimes thats all it needs, I know earlier in the year when Bodhi died we got all sorts of cards/flowers from people all giving condolences and it all means something (maybe not a huge amount at the time but you remember it). But what really got me was my brother and a few friends driving a couple of hours to give us a hug and have a bit of a cry and just be there (all individually of their own accord).

Its always the way that you feel you can't say the right thing or should give them space, not saying everyone is the same but with us all the space people gave us felt incredibly lonely!

Good Luck Kirstie, you know your friend the best but just doing something will mean everything.

 

[Kirstie]

Yes very true. He lives a long way from me, but there will be hug opportunities aplenty in the coming weeks, I am sure.

 

[Mr Pig]

I was one of the first people that my next door neighbour spoke to after her husband died of a heart attack. I just hugged her and cried. What else can you say?

 

[Fnaar]

No matter how cliched any written message may feel, the most important thing is to be available for that person when it really counts. Even if that's several months/years etc down the line...

 

[slowmotion]

I do not think it matters too much what you write. What is important is that the person knows that you are thinking of them. They don't expect great literature. The offer of some small bit of practical help is also often much appreciated.

My 2 cents, from mercifully limited experience.

 

[CopperBrompton]

+1 to all the comments that it's not the content that matters. There isn't anything we can say that's going to help, all we can do is help them feel a bit less alone by knowing people are thinking of them. IME, the worst time is a few months later when it's almost as raw for the bereaved but everyone else has moved on. That's another good time to let them know it's not forgotten.

 

[Spinney]

What doesn't really help when it's fresh are the 'life goes on', 'it'll pass' kind of thing, I think. They are true, but people need to let the grief out first.

There are occasions for the old 'stiff upper lip', but right after a bereavment isn't one of them.

 

[Wigsie]

+1 to all the comments that it's not the content that matters. There isn't anything we can say that's going to help, all we can do is help them feel a bit less alone by knowing people are thinking of them. IME, the worst time is a few months later when it's almost as raw for the bereaved but everyone else has moved on. That's another good time to let them know it's not forgotten.

This is a fantastic point Ben!

I know its all very recent and they are probably inundated with condolences and friends family at the moment, but its 3-6 months down the road, everyone has moved on (although not forgotten), its a horrid time, all sorts of emotions (some not very nice) start to emerge as everyone around you seemingly has 'forgotten' but your life is still in pieces. My really close friends still come to me from time to time and have a quiet chat and it means the world!

 

[BrumJim]

If there is nothing special to write (e.g. I've been through the same experience recently), then a clichéd response is better than nothing or something that attempts to be special, but misses the point completely.