Why is it always the beautiful

[BigonaBianchi]

She fears change, she is in her comfort zone...(or feels guilty about hurting the other guy?) you may just need to pass on her...or FIGHT for her if she means enough to you.

 

[Kirstie]

Well she's got everything at the moment; the bad boy boyfriend and the sensitive male friend to fall back on. Between you (ie you and the other guy) you're both, rightly or wrongly, making her feel nice and secure in the current situation. Why would she want to change it.

Another thing: If he's an emotionally abusive bully, it will be difficult for her to leave of her own accord because her confidence and self esteem will be so battered she'll doubt her ability to do it, and she'll be scared of the consequences. Take it from someone who has been there. And if you make a move on her there will be no telling what the guy will do to both you and/or her if he finds out about it.

So if you want things to change in your favour, you need to upset this equilibrium. Go elsewhere - maybe with a parting shot saying how you feel, but go elsewhere and maintain the distance. Then see what happens.

 

[HobbesChoice]

Another thing: If he's an emotionally abusive bully, it will be difficult for her to leave of her own accord because her confidence and self esteem will be so battered she'll doubt her ability to do it, and she'll be scared of the consequences. Take it from someone who has been there. And if you make a move on her there will be no telling what the guy will do to both you and/or her if he finds out about it.

So if you want things to change in your favour, you need to upset this equilibrium. Go elsewhere - maybe with a parting shot saying how you feel, but go elsewhere and maintain the distance. Then see what happens.

Definitely agree with this.

I had the same sort of thing in a relationship which was awful but my self esteem had been taken away. Then I met someone at work who was there for me and that made everything so much more bearable as this guy was supporting me in the background on my terms.

Then, about 4 months in, the guy at work took me out and told me it was much too painful for him sitting in the background and really put his cards on the table, really raw stuff. Then he walked away! He really stuck to it too, despite seeing each other each day at work.

That was the push I needed and within a couple of weeks I'd started to look for my own flat and I moved out.

Just also be aware, if she does leave him that's not the end of it. It's very difficult to slam the door in anyone's face.

 

[Happiness Stan]

Well she's got everything at the moment; the bad boy boyfriend and the sensitive male friend to fall back on. Between you (ie you and the other guy) you're both, rightly or wrongly, making her feel nice and secure in the current situation. Why would she want to change it.


So if you want things to change in your favour, you need to upset this equilibrium. Go elsewhere - maybe with a parting shot saying how you feel, but go elsewhere and maintain the distance. Then see what happens.

Spot on

 

[joebingo]

Though to be fair, if she was up for it with you, having already got a boyfriend, she's probably a bit of a slapper anyway, best do it just the once and keep away.

After you've been through what she has in the last year, with the amount total lack of support she's had - then I'll let you rethink that statement. Everyone's vulnerable sometimes. Anyway, I'm really sexy lol .

Had a couple of nice head clearing bike rides today and yesterday, which has made the situation far less emotional on my side of the fence. First and foremost, I'm her friend. I'd like to be seeing her, but it's not like it'll make or break my life (well, it'll probably make it but her not going out with me isn't going to break it). What's killing me isn't that she's not going out with me, it's that she's been through absolute hell and is trapped there. She told me quite specifically that she isn't happy. It's convenient though.

If she decides to leave him because of (not for) me and what I've said, I don't think he'll care he's probably shagging 5 other girls anyway. If he does want to fight about it then he's out of luck - I'm not a fighter. If he touches a hair on her head, then my ways will change.

Kirstie, thanks for your input here. It means a lot, as a lot of what you've said mirrors what she told me - do you mind if I send you a PM?

Please bear in mind that there are a lot of things I'm not saying in this topic, I'm trying to keep us anonimous as it were.

Thanks again, everyone.