chewa
plus je vois les hommes, plus j'admire les chiens
An old lady at a cash machine asked me if I could help her check her balance..........so I pushed her over
Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
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AndyRM
XOXO
- Location
- North Shields
That's a hat trick for the lad. Time for the manager to bring him off and soak up the appreciation of the crowd.
Diggs
Veteran
- Location
- Billericay, Essex
Got a letter from Waitrose stating that I hadn't been paying for my herbs and if I didn't settle the bill immediately, they'd send round a bayleaf
Diggs
Veteran
- Location
- Billericay, Essex
Ahhh yes, being of a certain vintage, I remember it well (now got Dill the dog's song in my head)This is the bloke to look out for
It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub.
An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.
A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.
'Fishing,' replied the old man.
'Poor old fool' thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.
Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whiskey, the gentleman asked, ‘And how many have you caught?'
'You're the eighth.'
An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.
A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.
'Fishing,' replied the old man.
'Poor old fool' thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.
Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whiskey, the gentleman asked, ‘And how many have you caught?'
'You're the eighth.'
In order to bring about further integration with the single European currency, the Euro, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase “Spending a Penny” is not to be used after 31 December 2014.
From this date onwards, the correct term will be: “Euronating” .
It is hoped that this will be a great relief to everyone.
From this date onwards, the correct term will be: “Euronating” .
It is hoped that this will be a great relief to everyone.
glenn forger
Guest
Every flipping year Elton John gets my Christmas card address wrong!
(Surrey seems to be the hardest word)
(Surrey seems to be the hardest word)
IRISH ONES
Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him
"Do you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "No tanks, oi've only got a small yard."
A coach load of paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going.
The driver won €52!
Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.
He phones the police and says "Bejasus I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?
Paddy says "No, oi tink it's beef"
Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor.
Mick says, "Oi Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Oi did, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."
Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him
"Do you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "No tanks, oi've only got a small yard."
A coach load of paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going.
The driver won €52!
Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.
He phones the police and says "Bejasus I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?
Paddy says "No, oi tink it's beef"
Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor.
Mick says, "Oi Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Oi did, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
' GUTS ' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'
' BALLS ' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'
' GUTS ' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'
' BALLS ' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'
