Any good jokes ... ?

[vernon]

OLD AGE GOLF

Bob is 90 years old. He's played golf every day at his club since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Bob. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day, Bob heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight

"Where did it go?" asks Bob.

"Can't remember."

 

[subaqua]

Two interesting things about me that are not on my profile.

1.My penis is the length of 2 ikea pencils
2.I've been banned for life from ikea

i use this one as the " tell us something about you nobody knows " in training meeting introductions . it is a good icebreaker

 

[glenn forger]

I suppose it depends if you say it in the voice of Lord Flashman.

 

[vernon]

The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be a Millionaire.'

Near the end of the program he’d already won 500,000 pounds.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant the show's presenter,
"but for a million pounds you've only got one life-line left - phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question ....will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''so I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ."

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
" 'kin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "That's simple......It's a cuckoo."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm absolutely sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go wit cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"That it is, Sir."

There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer!

Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"

The next night Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in heaven's name did you know it was da cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a fookin clock!"

 

[Smokin Joe]

Just a quick note to the driver of an 09 silver BMW, reg F2 ACE:

You might remember pinching my parking spot in Tesco car park and grinning, whilst your son made "w@nker" signs at me through the passenger window. Well, if you're wondering where your wing mirrors are, try the canal.


Breaking News: Angelina Jolie is to retire from acting!

That's like Stephen Hawking announcing his retirement from ballroom dancing!


Yesterday I saw a dishevelled old hairy tramp recycling putrefied rubbish, swearing at strangers and begging for money after his family spent all his on heroin.

I just thought; No, Bob Geldof, I'm not buying your shite record this time.

 

[Smokin Joe]

Mick: "Didn't you once tell me you had an uncle?"

Pat: "Sure, I have an uncle"

Mick: "Where is he now, is he still living?"

Pat: "No, he fell through a trap door and broke his neck"

Mick: "He was building a house"?

Pat: "No, they were hanging him"

 

[threebikesmcginty]

Note: Scottish accent required for joke to work.

Man in bakers - Is that a doughnut or a meringue?

Shop Keeper - No, you're right enough, it's a doughnut.

 

[Archie_tect]

It was funniest the first time... in 1847.

 

[Archie_tect]

If McG asks you to look at the coconut dog, refuse to let it go any further.

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

Note: Scottish accent required for joke to work.

Man in bakers - Is that a doughnut or a meringue?

Shop Keeper - No, you're right enough, it's a doughnut.

Could we get @Marmion to post it and see if it's any funnier?

<ahem> Allow me:

Man in bakers - Is that a scum doughnut or a traitor meringue?

Shop Keeper - No, you're right enough, it's a scum doughnut

 

[Archie_tect]

Failed swl...

 

[threebikesmcginty]

<ahem> Allow me:

Man in bakers - Is that a scum doughnut or a traitor meringue?

Shop Keeper - No, you're right enough, it's a scum doughnut

Don't give up your day job.

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

 

[DaveReading]

A few more that only work north of the border:

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.

"Comfy?" asks the dentist.

"Govan," she replies.


How many Spanish guys does it take to change a light bulb?

Just Juan.


Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq?

Coo eight.


A teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says: "Can you come and get me? I've missed the last bus and it's pouring with rain."

"Okay," says her dad. "Where are you ringing from?"

The girl replies: "From the top of my head right down to my knickers".


What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?

Oor Wullie.


A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.

"No", argues the assistant, "look at that - it says Taiwan".

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.