Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
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Andy_R
Hard of hearing..I said Herd of Herring..oh FFS..
- Location
- County Durham
I was playing Bonopoly last night. It's just like Monopoly, but the streets have no names.
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A man walks into a bar, orders a pint of bitter and walks over to an empty table. He puts his pint down on the table and just as he's about to sit decides to go for a pee. "Excuse me mate," he says to the man at the next table, "would you mind keeping an eye on my pint while I nip to the loo?" "Of course not," replies the man at the next table. Our hero zips off to the loo. As soon as he's through the door, a woman sitting on the other side of the bar walks over to the unaccompanied pint, lifts her skirt, squats, breaks wind violently into the beer and returns to her seat.
The first man exits the loo, returns to his table, sits and makes to take his first sip of beer. "Excuse me mate," says the man who agreed to beer-watching duties, "I wouldn't touch that if I were you. That woman over there just broke wind very violently right into your beer." Our man sets down his pint and walks over to the woman. "Excuse me. You fart in ma Whitbread?" "No," she says, "I'm Tessa Sanderson."
The first man exits the loo, returns to his table, sits and makes to take his first sip of beer. "Excuse me mate," says the man who agreed to beer-watching duties, "I wouldn't touch that if I were you. That woman over there just broke wind very violently right into your beer." Our man sets down his pint and walks over to the woman. "Excuse me. You fart in ma Whitbread?" "No," she says, "I'm Tessa Sanderson."
dan_bo
How much does it cost to Oldham?
Did you hear about the bloke that painted his wife with cheese?
He double gloucester.
He double gloucester.
byegad
Legendary Member
- Location
- NE England
A man walks into the doctors, blood pouring from every orifice. The doctor takes one look at him and says, have you just come bask from Africa. Yes says the guy pulling a bloody hanky from his pocket to wipe away the blood from his eyes. Well says the doctor. I'm sorry to tell you that, from the lottery tickets stuck to your hanky I can tell you now that your suffering from Tombola!
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ArDee
Guru
- Location
- North of Buntingford, Hetfordshire
A pharmacist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.
"What's wrong with him?", he asked his assistant.
"He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any so I gave him an entire box of laxatives."
"You idiot" said the chemist, "You can't treat a cough with laxatives."
"Of course you can" the assistant replied, "Look at him........he daren't cough now
"What's wrong with him?", he asked his assistant.
"He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any so I gave him an entire box of laxatives."
"You idiot" said the chemist, "You can't treat a cough with laxatives."
"Of course you can" the assistant replied, "Look at him........he daren't cough now
chewa
plus je vois les hommes, plus j'admire les chiens
There's a great new drink called an Entendre. Ask the barman for a double and he'll give you one.
I though this was about a thesis on the effects of marijuana on seabirds, but the student failed because there was no control group, he had failed to leave no Tern unstoned
While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders. The old farmer said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Turtles'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was. The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ar$e put him up there to begin with."
Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders. The old farmer said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Turtles'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was. The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ar$e put him up there to begin with."
Archie_tect
De Skieven Architek... aka Penfold + Horace
- Location
- Northumberland
...and he won't go until he's pushed.
