Any good jokes ... ?
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After Quasimodo's death, the Bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame in Paris, France sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was urgently needed.
The Bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally
and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills over a long period, he decided to call it a day and to continue the interviewing process the following day.
Just then, an armless Frenchman approached him and announced that he
was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.
The Bishop was incredulous.
But, you have no arms, Monsieur !'
'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe me, Excellency !'
And, pushing his way past the Bishop, he began striking the bells
with his ugly face, producing a most beautiful melody on the carillon.
The Bishop listened in astonishment convinced he had found a
sensational replacement for Quasimodo.
But, suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bells again in
encore, the armless Frenchman tripped over a mallet and plunged
headlong out of the belfry window, to his death in the street far below.
The stunned Bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five steps to reach the street.
A crowd had by now gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.
As they silently parted to let the Bishop through, one of them asked,
'Bishop sir, who was this man ?'
'I don't know his name,' the Bishop sadly replied........
.................. BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL !'
WAIT ! WAIT ! There's more....
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his
heart, due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the
Bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the
brother of the poor armless wretch who fell to his death from this
very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me
to replace him in this duty.'
The Bishop agreed to give the man an audition, but, as the armless
man's brother stooped to pick up a heavy mallet to strike the first
bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died of
heart failure on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the Bishop's cries of anguish at this second
shocking tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.
'What has happened ? Who is this man?' the first monk asked, breathlessly.
'I don't know his name,' sighed the now distraught Bishop, 'but...'
'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER.’
The Bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally
and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills over a long period, he decided to call it a day and to continue the interviewing process the following day.
Just then, an armless Frenchman approached him and announced that he
was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.
The Bishop was incredulous.
But, you have no arms, Monsieur !'
'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe me, Excellency !'
And, pushing his way past the Bishop, he began striking the bells
with his ugly face, producing a most beautiful melody on the carillon.
The Bishop listened in astonishment convinced he had found a
sensational replacement for Quasimodo.
But, suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bells again in
encore, the armless Frenchman tripped over a mallet and plunged
headlong out of the belfry window, to his death in the street far below.
The stunned Bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five steps to reach the street.
A crowd had by now gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.
As they silently parted to let the Bishop through, one of them asked,
'Bishop sir, who was this man ?'
'I don't know his name,' the Bishop sadly replied........
.................. BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL !'
WAIT ! WAIT ! There's more....
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his
heart, due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the
Bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the
brother of the poor armless wretch who fell to his death from this
very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me
to replace him in this duty.'
The Bishop agreed to give the man an audition, but, as the armless
man's brother stooped to pick up a heavy mallet to strike the first
bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died of
heart failure on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the Bishop's cries of anguish at this second
shocking tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.
'What has happened ? Who is this man?' the first monk asked, breathlessly.
'I don't know his name,' sighed the now distraught Bishop, 'but...'
'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER.’
A very nice, innocent Australian woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman.
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with Scotty Greer, who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and he has no experience with women.
They meet and she is very happy with him; she feels that they are perfect for each other. Eventually they end up getting married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked.
All the furniture from the room is piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman" he says, "But if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with Scotty Greer, who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and he has no experience with women.
They meet and she is very happy with him; she feels that they are perfect for each other. Eventually they end up getting married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked.
All the furniture from the room is piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman" he says, "But if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"
Ralph, age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots so he bought a pair and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,"Notice anything different about me?"Ethel, age 75, looked him over. "Nope."
Frustrated, Ralph stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
He asked Ethel a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Ethel looked up and said in her best deadpan look, "Ralph, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Ralph yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, ETHEL?"
"Nope. Not a clue, Ralph," she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"
Without missing a beat Ethel replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ralph. Shoulda bought a hat."
Frustrated, Ralph stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
He asked Ethel a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Ethel looked up and said in her best deadpan look, "Ralph, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Ralph yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, ETHEL?"
"Nope. Not a clue, Ralph," she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"
Without missing a beat Ethel replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ralph. Shoulda bought a hat."
gbb
Legendary Member
- Location
- Peterborough
Whats orange and sounds like a parrot ?
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A carrot.
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A carrot.
Hitchington
Lovely stuff
- Location
- That London
"What's so great about Switzerland?" I hear you say.
Well, their flag's a big plus, for a start.
Well, their flag's a big plus, for a start.
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glenn forger
Guest
I call the missus 'er indoors cos she looks like Jim Morrisson.
Peteaud
Veteran
- Location
- South Somerset
Hitchington
Lovely stuff
- Location
- That London
Time to retire it to the old jokes home then.
Joey Shabadoo
My pronouns are "He", "Him" and "buggerlugs"
UKIP?
A Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la Casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems,
But half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.
The women won.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la Casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems,
But half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.
The women won.
Last edited by a moderator:
glenn forger
Guest
Refund please.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
