Uncle Drago's agony column

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,

My parents keep telling me I have a future in British Steel, but they also say I should be happy in my work. How does that compute? And I am not a nice boy, and I don't like being spoken to.

N

 

[Drago]

Dear Nigel,

Dear god, fortunately you have 1,2,3,4,5 senses working over time, so you could probably get a job as a tea taster or suchlike.

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

I always seem to have women chasing after me at double time. I find this very tiring and can't escape them.

What should I do?

Yours faithfully,
Mr. B. Hill.

 

[Drago]

Dear Philip Schofield,

Give it up, you're not kidding anyone.

 

[tyred]

Dear Drago,

I had been eating a slice of overdone toast and dropped crumbs all over my trousers so decided to use my Henry vacuum cleaner to pick them up.

Unfortunately, I hadn't noticed the zip on my jeans was undone and I accidentally sucked up part of my anatomy and it is now stuck in the pipe of the vacuum cleaner and I can't get it out.

I feel really embarrassed sitting in casualty with my private parts stuck up Henry's pipe. How will I explain this to the consultant?

Yours faithfully,
Richard

 

[Drago]

Dear Arthur,

Tell them what I always do. It was a warm evening so you were vacuuming naked and you fell down the stairs and you landed up in a greased up aubergine that was standing upright on the hallway floor and it went up your bottom.

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
People say to me that it is foolish to pursue a brute animal because it did you some harm. Well, I say to them, have some animal take away your leg, and tell me again what you think. The crew, they're alright, gayer than the stewards on a P&O ferry. I doubt they'd care if we ever reached Maine again. Comes from having all that lubricant aboard, no doubt. First Mate, he's alright. Talks about investing in coffee shops when he gets back to shore. And they say I'm mad.

 

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle drago (notice my respect for your wisdom....unlike many on here)......I have a question that I am confident you can answer wisely.
I was fascinated with @tyred 's use of his Henry vacuum cleaner so decided to try it.
unlike Tyred my bits didn't get stuck but upon close inspection I think I have cleanest, most shiny todger known to mankind. So......I tried it the next day....and the next.
I now do this every day and find it rather enjoyable.
So....my question is....
Is this normal behaviour or might I have a slight problem?

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago,
People say to me that it is foolish to pursue a brute animal because it did you some harm. Well, I say to them, have some animal take away your leg, and tell me again what you think. The crew, they're alright, gayer than the stewards on a P&O ferry. I doubt they'd care if we ever reached Maine again. Comes from having all that lubricant aboard, no doubt. First Mate, he's alright. Talks about investing in coffee shops when he gets back to shore. And they say I'm mad.

Dear Seaman Staines,

They say you are mad, because you are indeed barking.

Dear Uncle drago (notice my respect for your wisdom....unlike many on here)......I have a question that I am confident you can answer wisely.
I was fascinated with @tyred 's use of his Henry vacuum cleaner so decided to try it.
unlike Tyred my bits didn't get stuck but upon close inspection I think I have cleanest, most shiny todger known to mankind. So......I tried it the next day....and the next.

Dear Mass Debater.

I think I see the problem. The hose is too loose a fit. You should try it with the attachment that narrows the end down, should feel much more snug.

 

[Dave7]

Uncle Drago.......somehow the last part of my question was missed. I have edited this now....would you be kind enough to respond.
Many thanks.

 

[Dec66]

Dear Dragoon

Inspired by recent tales of derring do involving Henry vacuum cleaners, I too decided to take the plunge.

My little soldier is now so tumescent that it's stuck in the hose, I can't get it out, and I'm in absolute agony.

I'm waiting for the emergency services to arrive, but in the meantime my question to you is this: can they take away the pain, but leave the swelling?

Yours,
Not Dec66.

 

[Drago]

Dear Ant,

I'm afraid this isnt an either/or scenario. No pain, no winkie like a 1:10 scale model or the Graf Zeppelin.

Fear not, for I have a plan!

Brace yourself, then get someone to suddenly switch Henry to reverse. Not only will this manoeuvre, which I shall call a 'blow job', set you free, buy it may well blow enough compressed air up your old chaps eye to leave it in a permanently expanded state. I believe this is the method used at certain Turkish cosmetic surgery centres that specialise in weenis enlargement.

 

[Drago]

Uncle Drago.......somehow the last part of my question was missed. I have edited this now....would you be kind enough to respond.
Many thanks.

Dear Dave,

Sorry, my bad. Yes, you do have a problem. It seems you stuck it up then end with the brushes and not the other end with the hose.

Still, we respect your diversity and shall henceforth call you Davina.

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I am not sure I am really cut out for this side-kick business. I used to really get a kick out of it, but now it is frankly embarrassing. I think people are secretly sniggering at me. Unlike his other part-time sidekick, at least I chose a unique alias and my own costume. I didn't just copy someone else's and change it a bit. I thought my costume a rather jaunty one when I first picked it out. Now I wonder if it's a bit gay. I could still kick people's butts if I catch them laughing, but he won't let me. I am thinking of striking out on my own if I can find another city with villains that don't suck.

 

[Drago]

Dear Barrymore,

I've told you, since Poolgate I'm no longer willing to give you advice for your fancy dress parties.