Advice needed...

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luckyfox

luckyfox

She's the cats pajamas
Location
County Durham
That's not a bad way to do that. He can read it when he's feeling like it. Long isn't best tho'. Maybe write an old fashioned letter?

If you call round to see him you'll have to play it by ear. Be prepared to be rejected and if things "OK" don't stay too long

The last incident involved worrying comments he'd made then him not answering the door/texts/calls and I had to get help. I don't want to put him in that situation again. The following day I got a reply which was almost denial/blaming me and telling me not to contact him again. The email I've written is long but gives the understanding and reassurance I feel would help. We've been in stages of me being rejected before but we've always come back. This time i'm really not welcome because now I know. Without me he can keep the head in the sand but I do worry it will suffocate him. Given how long it's been without me knowing i think the email could be a positive to help dispel the underlying beliefs he has. I strongly get he is ashamed, embarrassed, humiliated but at his wits end with it. I've talked about my own struggles with mental health in the email which I feel he might resonate with.

I'm not in his head and I know it's difficult for anyone but the concept of who I am to him and trying to help is the worst possible idea to him. Yet I was the only one he told. I'm not going to over think it but to me it's a huge honour he would trust me with that. I love him to bits and of course I want to help however I can but I just don't want to make him worse.

I've read through the email and where it does give a lot maybe start slow. He always appreciate stupid pictures of my cat when he'd had a bad day...
 
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twentysix by twentyfive

Clinging on tightly
Location
Over the Hill
The last incident involved worrying comments he'd made then him not answering the door/texts/calls and I had to get help. I don't want to put him in that situation again. The following day I got a reply which was almost denial/blaming me and telling me not to contact him again. The email I've written is long but gives the understanding and reassurance I feel would help. We've been in stages of me being rejected before but we've always come back. This time i'm really not welcome because now I know. Without me he can keep the head in the sand but I do worry it will suffocate him. Given how long it's been without me knowing i think the email could be a positive to help dispel the underlying beliefs he has. I strongly get he is ashamed, embarrassed, humiliated but at his wits end with it. I've talked about my own struggles with mental health in the email which I feel he might resonate with.

I'm not in his head and I know it's difficult for anyone but the concept of who I am to him and trying to help is the worst possible idea to him. Yet I was the only one he told. I'm not going to over think it but to me it's a huge honour he would trust me with that. I love him to bits and of course I want to help however I can but I just don't want to make him worse.

I've read through the email and where it does give a lot maybe start slow. He always appreciate stupid pictures of my cat when he'd had a bad day...
It sounds to me that it's time to let sleeping dogs lie. You've reached out. It's time for him to recognise the problem and seek help. Send the odd silly pic of a cat and leave it like that for a while.

Does he live on his own? If so a heads up with his GP might ease the way once he does seek help. The GP will not do anything until he is asked by the patient tho'.

It's sad but mental issues are like that. In the end it has to come from the sufferer (unless he's dangerous and needs sectioning).

Main thing for you is - it's not you - it's him. Do not beat yourself up.
 
OP
OP
luckyfox

luckyfox

She's the cats pajamas
Location
County Durham
Do not beat yourself up

So, had a dream about this friend last night and very tempted just to text and say hi and make sure he's ok. Last contact wasn't good and i've backed off. Seems anything I said was antagonistic despite best efforts.

I know he's a grown man and not for me to be concerned about but I do care and want him to know there are people there for him.

From experience is it best to leave a few weeks, days? I'm quite happy getting on with my life but I would like him to know im still there.
 

Turbo

Clueless member
Location
West Yorkshire
Depression is often counter intuitive, it tells you to behave in ways opposite to what actually makes you feel better, like by shutting yourself away which you think it best, when really you need to get yourself out. I personally wouldn't just leave him, maybe really what he needs is someone there.
 

Eurostar

Guru
Location
Brixton
I've suffered from bouts of depression for years. I'm not sure how I can help or advise but I would say, further to what pawl and Turbo said really, is that depressed people are often misunderstood because their friends and family try to understand their thoughts rationally. But often depression is completely irrational, it's just a chemical imbalance in your head which is blind to reason. I've been stricken with depression even in the middle of a fantastic holiday in the South of France with my best friends!

Sounds like you are a great friend to him and he's lucky to have you.

Is he worried about the consequences of his employer or colleagues finding out he is depressed? Perhaps he fears being sectioned and carted off by the men in white coats?

If he's ashamed you could point out how common it is to have a mental health problem. It's so common you could reasonably describe it as 'normal'.
 
OP
OP
luckyfox

luckyfox

She's the cats pajamas
Location
County Durham
Thanks peeps. We haven't spoke at length about it. When I found out... this is when all the shutting down started.

We had a brief text chat last night. Literally a few words, nothing in depth and kinda cleared the air. I didn't go into anything really. It was reasonable contact and that's not been there for 6 weeks so I left it at that.

I'm not going to say the ball is in his court but maybe thats enough for now. I can't get in the pit with him. There were things I could have picked up on last night but it was better to be a quick and painless contact, if that makes sense.

I do understand a lot about depression but not from a male perspective so it's been great to get feedback. Thank you!
 

twentysix by twentyfive

Clinging on tightly
Location
Over the Hill
Thanks peeps. We haven't spoke at length about it. When I found out... this is when all the shutting down started.

We had a brief text chat last night. Literally a few words, nothing in depth and kinda cleared the air. I didn't go into anything really. It was reasonable contact and that's not been there for 6 weeks so I left it at that.

I'm not going to say the ball is in his court but maybe thats enough for now. I can't get in the pit with him. There were things I could have picked up on last night but it was better to be a quick and painless contact, if that makes sense.

I do understand a lot about depression but not from a male perspective so it's been great to get feedback. Thank you!
Sounds like you have done something for you both and it worked. Good for you. Little things like that will keep the contact going. He knows (somewhere in his head) that you are there.
 
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