Any ideas on how to cope with my brother?

[SatNavSaysStraightOn]

Please bear with me, I will try to keep this brief and to the point...

My brother, 3 years younger than me, has been going on and on for years that he wanted to track down our 'real' father. For the last 2 decades at least this has been difficult to impossible for him to do because the guy had emigrated abroad. Periodically my brother goes through phases of ranting about finding him and so on... Christmas & Father's Day are usually the main times (Christmas because our father was born around Christmas) and we are coming up to Father's Day again, so I am faced with this yet again. Only my temper is not as even as normal, I'm tired and sore from an op earlier in the week and not really up to dealing with my brother and talking him out of it.

Whilst I was in hospital on Monday & Tuesday, my brother has tracked down our aunt (not difficult, I knew where she lived anyhow, though I had not told him) and written to her. He got her reply yesterday and was told that our father, his wife and a half-sister are now back living in England and that our aunt would forward a letter to him if my brother wanted to send her one.

Now there is a whole host of stuff I know about our real father, which has been verified from more than 1 source, often 3 sources. All people who knew him and not all our mother's family. One of those sources was my brother's godmother who told me an awful lot about our real father the last time I saw her alive - about 3 weeks before she died. I know she had much more to tell, but it was clear she was exhausted and everyone believed she would live longer than she did so I left it at that. Some of what she told me explained a considerable amount. At the time my brother was not ready to know it, and I know she was telling me to explain our mother's attitude and also to tell me what I needed to know to protect my brother (from himself mostly) and I know if I tell him now, he will take it the wrong way, but our real father was a violent drunk, drug addict, drug dealer, alcoholic and rapist (our mother whilst they were married is all I know on that front). I also know that a lot of my ill health has to do with how I was looked after by my real father when it came to 'child care', again confirmed by my brother's godmother, (keeping an infant stoned or drunk to keep them quiet whilst you and your mates get stoned or do drug deals in the house etc.). My attitude to knowing our father has never changed. I have never wanted to know him.

I don't want to know my biological father. My brother is not the one he tried to kill, he tried to kill me and whilst I don't remember that specific event (he held a knife to my throat according to our mother), I do very clearly remember what happened the following day. I also know that his godmother told me what she did because she didn't want him to know our real father of whom he has no memory. It goes without saying that this 'event' terminated the marriage.

I had silently been hoping that our father was dead, but it seems I am not that lucky!

So now, my brother wants to know what to put in the letter to be sent to our father. I would personally much rather he didn't write back, but know he will and I know that I need to be there for him and that he feels I am the only one he can talk to about it. I can't just shut him out and I know people can change, but my brother does not know the truth about his father, I don't know if he should ever know the truth, and I don't know if I even have a right to tell him the truth.

It doesn't help that the only other strong father figure we had in our lives growing up also left the family after a major family row - now if he had found that person, I would have given him my full support openly. I just don't know how to deal with this latest development sadly and know that with or without my support, my brother is going to pursue it now he knows our real father is a) alive and b) back in England.

 

[MikeG]

Jesus H.......what a mess.

I haven't the first piece of advice to offer, but I'll wish you the very best of luck with dealing with the situation. Do you think your brother would be so keen to meet your father if he knew the full story? Is there anyone who knows the full story whom your brother respects enough to listen to?

 

[Globalti]

I would give my brother the facts with both barrels and tell him to wind his neck in. If he insisted on going ahead I would tell him to keep me well out of it and that if he attempted to involve me I would cut off contact with him. His fanciful whim could easily upset the entire family.

 

[Saluki]

I would give my brother the facts with both barrels and tell him to wind his neck in. If he insisted on going ahead I would tell him to keep me well out of it and that if he attempted to involve me I would cut off contact with him. His fanciful whim could easily upset the entire family.

Having had a difficult childhood with 'interesting' parents myself, I agree with @Globalti
Happily, I believe that my bio father is long dead but if I had a family member wanting to track him down and who had an address I would say to keep me well out of it. Not to mention me in any way shape or form. I can only imagine your worry that this person might want some access to your life and upsetting your equilibrium.

I am a big believer in letting sleeping dogs lie but maybe you might want to think about giving your brother the facts, not sugar coating them just telling him what you know.

 

[sight-pin]

I wish you a speedy recovery and Hope it all works ok in the end.
I think you need to ask yourself, how is your brother likely to take the news if you tell him? Would it cause him to be aggressive towards your father and end up in deep trouble himself? perhaps Professional advice maybe a good the way to go? Hope it all ends happy for you.

 

[raleighnut]

Just what you need when recovering from an op. I'd tell your brother to leave you out of this as you don't need it now.
Get well soon

 

[Fnaar]

If your brother doesn't know anything about the reality of his father, then his need to find him is completely understandable, as lots of people have these feelings. If I were you, I'd probably say something like 'look, I know some truly horrible facts about him which mean that I never want to see him, nor can I be party to your attempts to find him. If you want to know why, come and see me and I'll explain, but I won't hear any 'that can't be true' counter-arguments. You might change your mind about wanting to find him, but if you don't, then you must count me out of any involvement in looking for him or having anything to do with things should you find him'

Good luck satnav... I have a messy family too, (though not in your league)

 

[w00hoo_kent]

This is all pop psychology, so worth what you've paid for it, but I think you've highlighted a lot of the problems in the OP.

You have one picture of this man, your brother has a different picture. You have very good reason to want no contact with him at all and your brother doesn't. It makes sense for you to be worried about what problems your brothers actions might bring. It sounds like there's an added situation that the two of you don't have many other people around to rely on so jeopardising this link is an extra worry and means that you might put yourself in a position you don't want to in order to stop that happening.

Assuming your brother is an adult then he can make his own choices. It would probably be best if he made those choices with as much information as possible, but it sounds as if you aren't the best person to inform him of them all, or at least not without assistance. You mentioned other people being able to corroborate the facts that you have learnt. The best option may be to ask them if they would help you tell your brother them. But you have to realise that every time you have a conversation like this there are multiple ways it could go and if some of those are directions that you cannot cope with, then not having the conversation might be the best choice.

You could explain this to your aunt and ask her to not pass on the information, although subterfuge like this is unlikely to end well.

It sounds like whatever else happens, telling your brother that there are issues that mean you don't want anything, absolutely anything, to do with this man and that while you would prefer him not to try and make contact, he needs to realise that you cannot, so he does this alone would be a very sensible move for your own well being (be that physical or mental).

Finally, you don't mention how long ago this all happened. I'm pretty sure you don't want to believe it, but there is a possibility that things have changed. This man now has a different family and other children, he might not turn out to be the person he was then. Because of what you know, this is unlikely to help your perception of him at all, but it may be a factor in how your brothers path turns out.

 

[mr_cellophane]

In all your OP you haven't really mentioned your mother (and whether she is still alive) or any contact with other members of you father's family.

 

[Leaway2]

People can change. Just sayin'.

 

[SatNavSaysStraightOn]

OK - the main people who could have told my brother the truth both died 3 years ago, within a few months of each other. Our mother has been through a 2nd messy divorce (plus 2 other messed up children) and is now happily re-married for the last 6 years. He won't listen to her for whatever reason. Some of you know I have been doing a very length commute (22 miles each way) 2 or 3 times a week for the last 18 months - her husband, who is a really nice man had a hip replacement done which went wrong, badly wrong and I have been helping them out pretty much every since. My brother rings both our mum and myself several times a day - we always know when his work (courier down south) is not busy, we get more phone calls!

We have had no contact with other members of our real father's family due to a large number of reasons, not least of all the issues relating to the original divorce. the only exception to that is me, with my aunt (same aunt who my brother contacted) and my nanna. I had contact with them in my teens, up until nanna died and then things got even messier between my mum & real father - namely he had not been paying maintenance on me, only my brother and well you can guess the rest with my mother having retrained as a family law solicitor and being married to a solicitor (criminal & family law).

My brother only really has me he can talk to, and whilst he is 'adult' and approaching 40 (that's next years hurdle!) he is not very adult about life... has no sense of humour which is how I deal with life mostly (last year he emailed me accidentally a soft porn link at 6:30am on a Monday morning, it was meant to have gone to a male friend. I emailed him back saying that I much preferred such and such a model and wasn't this a better picture etc... knowing the sense of humour that our mother's husband has I mentioned it to him to cheer him up which it did no end... my brother refused to talk to me for the best part of 4 months (bliss) unless I apologised which I refused to do - he needs to grow up but hey ho).

Last contact with our real father was when I was 7 and he was 4 and that was the one and only access visit we had. Our real father used to stalk our mother, and often sat outside the house at night in his car having driven hundred's of miles to do so. I can remember this, my brother was too young.

I don't want to push my brother away. He is married, he's left her once, can't divorce her because she has threatened suicide and he believes her, having lost 2 friends to suicide I am not certain that she is that type, but my brother believes her, so all I can do is be there for him (he came to live with us for a while during the worst of it). It goes without saying we don't have many friends to fall back on, I guess we are both too screwed up for that. I have had help professionally in the past, he hasn't and won't, but there is more shoot in my past than his (and not just from this) and the only thing that stopped me taking my life in my early twenties was that my best friend had done so and I saw what it did to the remains of her family and reached the conclusion I could not be that selfish. I got help instead.

The main issue I have is timing. He has rung me today wanting my input into the letter to send to our father. I have maybe bought a day of time to consider what to say, nothing more. He will ring me again around 5:30/6pm whilst he is waiting to pick up his wife from work - she doesn't drive.

 

[Spoked Wheels]

People can change. Just sayin'.

Very true but, in this case, if he changed then why hasn't he come looking for his children?

3 years can be a long time in the life of a child.... he doesn't understand what you went through.

I'd say let him do whatever he needs to do to find him but make sure you don't want anything to do with that. If he finds him then your Dad would know why you don't want want to find him.

Best of luck

 

[vernon]

The problem is far too complex with the possibility of some very awful consequences for you to be able to expect a 'silver bullet' from this forum. The problem has become an unstoppable juggernaut and there's been missed opportunities to engage with counselling services to help navigate through the quagmire of emotional issues.

This is not a problem that I'd give to a crowd sourced advisory service and I can only advise that you seek advice from those best qualified to deliver assistance.

 

[SatNavSaysStraightOn]

People can change. Just sayin'.

it is possible. He is still married to the same woman he remarried in the 70's unlike our mother - crap the phone is ringing, that will be my brother. yep it is! bugger...

 

[SatNavSaysStraightOn]

The problem is far too complex with the possibility of some very awful consequences for you to be able to expect a 'silver bullet' from this forum. The problem has become an unstoppable juggernaut and there's been missed opportunities to engage with counselling services to help navigate through the quagmire of emotional issues.

This is not a problem that I'd give to a crowd sourced advisory service and I can only advise that you seek advice from those best qualified to deliver assistance.

not expecting any silver bullet - lead will do. I am more than capable of using said weapon!
just ideas, options for me to consider.