Best comeback line ever?

[Globalti]

This was in the Washington Post... the title of the article was "Best Comeback Line Ever."

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday.

Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."

"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor.
"I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.

"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realise that you are screwing a pumpkin?'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there and then looked me straight in the face and said.....




"A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?"

 

[swee'pea99]

That is brilliant! But the original subject line reminded me of a story about - I think it was Gore Vidal - who was in a restaurant one time and a drunk at a nearby table got irritated when his wife approached Vidal for his autograph. Rising from his chair and fending off companions, he lurched over to Vidal, unzipped, and said: 'Ok big shot, how about signing that?' Vidal looked up and said, 'Well, I don't think I could sign, but I could probably initial it.'

 

[User482]

Apologies to cricket haters:

Glenn McGrath & Eddo Brandes:

After Brandes played & missed at a McGrath delivery, the Aussie bowler
politely enquired: "Oi, Brandes, why are you so fat?"
"Cos every time I **** your wife she gives me a biscuit," Brandes replied.

 

[swee'pea99]

Bono, in vast auditorium, quietens down the crowd, then starts clapping slowly. 'Every time I clap my hands,' he says, 'a child in Africa dies.' Voice from the back: 'Well stop clapping then, you idiot!'

 

[ColinJ]

40 years ago, my maths teacher was struggling to keep control of the class. In total exasperation he shouted out:

"Every time I open my mouth, some fool speaks!"

An anonymous little voice from the back:

"Yes, that's you, sir!"

 

[Over The Hill]

Gary Barlow
"Yes, I am afraid the rumours are true Take That is reforming"


(Echoing almost the same line when they spit up years ago)

 

[MacB]

I can remember sitting in silence in class, we were all in trouble for something, and the teacher prowling around the desks. One of the kids had a copy of Tales of the Unexpected on his desk. The teacher picked it up, read out the title, whacked the kid round the head with it and said 'that was unexpected wasn't it?', then walked out the room.

 

[Fnaar]

If we're moving intro teacher territory (and not quite a comeback as in the OP), we had a very pretty young female biology teacher from NZ teaching us 14yr olds all about the physical aspects of nookie from a biological perspective... somehow or other we got into discussing what an orgasm was (and what it does physically to the male and female bodies). Blushing profusely, she somehow got through the lesson, and asked "Any questions?" One young chap piped up with... "Miss, can you do one for us?" (i.e. an orgasm)

 

[jpembroke]

In an Oxford pub with my old housemate Ron (bit of a scary bloke, was Ron). Ron is having trouble taking his eyes off the rather attractive barmaid not knowing that her boyfriend is sitting at the end of the bar. Barmaid's boyfriend eventually stands up and barks "what the **** are you looking at?" to which Ron calmly replies "well, I'm looking at you now."

Never seen a bloke shrink so fast.

 

[swee'pea99]

In an Oxford pub with my old housemate Ron (bit of a scary bloke, was Ron). Ron is having trouble taking his eyes off the rather attractive barmaid not knowing that her boyfriend is sitting at the end of the bar. Barmaid's boyfriend eventually stands up and barks "what the **** are you looking at?" to which Ron calmly replies "well, I'm looking at you now."

Never seen a bloke shrink so fast.

Reminds me of a story told me by a friend of mine, who on his very first day at Cambridge got chatting with the bloke in the room next to his - obviously a mature student, maybe early 20s as opposed to the standard 18, but otherwise unremarkable.

They decided to go out for a drink, and not yet knowing the lie of the land, wandered into what they subsequently learned was one of the town's 'Students Not Welcome' pubs. My mate was getting very nervous at the waves of hostility from the regulars, a mood not helped when a bunch of seriously violent looking Hells Angels types at the other end of the bar made an overtly aggressive comment. His visions of a one way trip to intensive care were interrupted when his new companion looked the ringleader calmly in the eye and said the single word: 'Steady'. And that was that. The Hells Angels backed off, they finished their pints at their leisure, and left.

Shortly afterwards, he discovered that his new friend was on secondment from the SAS.

 

[PaulB]

A kid on Walton Breck Road once said to a day-tripper parking up prior to going to watch Liverppol at Anfield: "Can I mind your car, mister?" The guy goes, "There's no need son. I've got a Rottweiler in the back." and quick as a flash the kid says, "Can it put fires out?"

 

[Dayvo]

Back to a bit of cricket sledging:

Craig White - English-born, but Australian-raised - went out to bat in a Test match for England against the Australians.

As he took guard, Shane Warne shouted from slip ´You´ve got a piece of shoot on the end of your bat, mate!´

White lifted his bat up and had a look at the toe end.

´Not that end, you cu*t, the other end!´ was Warne´s reply!

 

[dellzeqq]

drunken conversation in a cab about a third party...

'Kevin would felch his dog for fifty quid'

'don't be silly, where would the dog get fifty quid from?'

 

[MajorMantra]

OP is funny but apocryphal.

Damn I'm such a killjoy...

Matthew

 

[02GF74]

OP is funny but apocryphal.

Damn I'm such a killjoy...

Matthew

it's bollocks; the coach turns into the pumpkim, horses ito mice and Cindarellas clothing turns to rags at midnights so it is nonsense too.

I was once in the duty free at heathrow and bumped into Steve who I had not seen for several years.

"wot you doing ?" he asks

"catching a plane", says I.