Best put downs.....

[ComedyPilot]

Was at the hole in the wall in my local town yesterday afternoon and heard the best put down of my life....

A bloke in dark glasses (clue 1) was sitting on a bench with his labrador (clue 2) curled up by his feet. They were enjoying the late afternoon sun, and he was resting his chin on his hands atop his white stick/cane (clue 3).

A chunky girl (lacking the dress sense, figure and self consciousness for wearing pale blue leggings) was walking past effin' and jeffin' into the mobile 'phone that was clamped to the ear by her sausage-like fingers.

The bloke, obviously more atune to audible cues than most, turned his head towards her and followed her track as she passed him.

Our Jeremy Kyle show wannabe spotted him 'watching' her pass, and immediately (and without thinking at all) shouted at him...."And what the fcuk are you lookin' at...?"

His reply......"I haven't got the faintest clue......being blind since birth has spared me that particular anguish...."

Wit 1 - Stupidity - 0

 

[Cycleops]

I thought my mother's cooking was bad but at least her gravy moved.

I could dance with you 'till the cows come home....on second thoughts I'd rather dance with the cows 'till you come home. Groucho Marx.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception. Groucho Marx.

 

[RedRider]

Long ago I was this wet-behind-the-ears reporter on a local paper. One week I went to investigate a scene outside the local MP's constituency office where a disabled rights protest was going on. I arrived feeling self-important, waving my note book, and I saw this grizzled Thalidomide campaigner lying in the road beside his wheelchair, blocking the bus route. The interview went OK. Wrapping up I wanted to ask about his disability which is where I got tongue-tied.
'So, err, what's your err, um what shall I say about hmmm... what's wrong with you?'
He didn't suffer fools and his answer was pitiless. 'What's wrong with me? I've tiny arms and tiny legs and you? You must be f***king blind!'

 

[Saluki]

I got flashed a few years back and told the guy "No thank you, I roll my own"

My friend Jan, got a new boyfriend. Horrible bloke actually but I digress.
He said "I am sorry I am looking so ugly today but I haven't bic'ed my head"
I replied "Really, does that make much difference then?"
We didn't get on so well. Happily Jan dumped the racist get.

 

[Cycling Dan]

Someone said this and I don't remember whom.
There was a cyclist and a off road passed him closely while the driver shouted "get off the road"
The cyclist caught up and said" I'm on a road bike and you're in a off roader. so who is in the wrong place here".

 

[vernon]

Who is in the wrong place here".

You are because you don't pay road tax innit.

 

[RWright]

For the times you have backed someone into the corner in a debate they have no way to win and they go into spouting off useless facts about something remotely related to the debated topic, in order for them to help ease their pain of humiliation....... I like to use the "you have a firm grasp of the obvious" comment.

 

[RedRider]

For the times you have backed someone into the corner in a debate they have no way to win and they go into spouting off useless facts about something remotely related to the debated topic, in order for them to help ease their pain of humiliation....... I like to use the "you have a firm grasp of the obvious" comment.

Reminds me of the line in the Woody Allen short story, 'The Gossage-Vardebedian Papers': 'Received your latest letter today, and while it was just shy of coherence, I think I can see where your bewilderment lies.'

 

[TonyEnjoyD]

Had A very close pass by a taxi heading into work.
When the taxi pulled over to let the passenger off up pulled alongside his window and politely asked him to give cyclists a bit more room on passing, he responded with "I gave you loads of room, and I have a bike you know"
I replied with "oh! and I have a car but at least I don't drive it like a tw4t" then rode off to park my bike.

First time I've really had a decent response come straight away.

 

[EltonFrog]

I was going to do an impersonation of a prat but you beat me to it. Jasper Carott circa 1980

 

[Arch]

Ross Noble once described York racegoers as 'mutton dressed as pig'. When NT was still on crutches and in an orthopaedic boot last summer he got the train over to York one weekend and at the station a party of women racegoers jumped the taxi queue in front of him. I'm pleased to say he recalled Ross Noble's description in his remarks to them....

 

[Herbie]

Was at the hole in the wall in my local town yesterday afternoon and heard the best put down of my life....

A bloke in dark glasses (clue 1) was sitting on a bench with his labrador (clue 2) curled up by his feet. They were enjoying the late afternoon sun, and he was resting his chin on his hands atop his white stick/cane (clue 3).

A chunky girl (lacking the dress sense, figure and self consciousness for wearing pale blue leggings) was walking past effin' and jeffin' into the mobile 'phone that was clamped to the ear by her sausage-like fingers.

The bloke, obviously more atune to audible cues than most, turned his head towards her and followed her track as she passed him.

Our Jeremy Kyle show wannabe spotted him 'watching' her pass, and immediately (and without thinking at all) shouted at him...."And what the fcuk are you lookin' at...?"

His reply......"I haven't got the faintest clue......being blind since birth has spared me that particular anguish...."

Wit 1 - Stupidity - 0

Top class quality that......brill

 

[swee'pea99]

Neither subtle nor witty (and I've posted it before, so apologies for the repetition, but) I've never forgotten one American teen in a movie saying to his mate 'If I was a dog and had a face like yours, I'd shave my ass and walk backwards.'

 

[User6179]

A few years ago when I worked on building sites I fell out with the site agent about a safety issue which he had a go about which I told him was his fkn responsibility not fkn mine you fkn tosser , after my "boss ", only my boss in his head as I was self employed at the time had renegotiated my return to the site I was walking past the said agent and I thought we had a mutual respect for each other and he said to me casually as I walked past him and I quote " the only fkn thing I like about you is you always have your fkn hard hat on"

I had no retort and walked on by!

 

[CopperCyclist]

Back in 2005 I was booking a prisoner into custody for drink and disorderly. He fit the bill brilliantly, being consistently verbally abusive throughout the procedure. He made various insults about all number of people present. He also took to commentating everything I did, e.g...

(Whilst reading out his property for the sarge to record)

Me: A twenty pound note.
Him: More than you earn in a week I bet
Me: One wallet.
Him: Made out of 100 pig skin.
Me: One bank card.
Him: I pay your wages with that.
And so on. I believe you get the drift. This continued until I noticed something about the last item...

Me: One condom. Expired 2003.
Him: Err... Ah... Oh come on mate that's out of order...

What helped was the fact that the entire room was now laughing, including the two prisoners waiting to be booked in behind him. He was quiet as a mouse for the rest of the booking in!