Best put downs.....

[Mr Celine]

I sometimes lurk on the 'Barry Boys' website (NSFW) which is a forum dedicated to winding up the owners of badly modified cars. One such owner, incensed that his pride and joy was being ridiculed, had joined the site and posted a lengthy mispelled rant wiv no capitalisation or puncutation of any description innit. When further ridiculed about his command of English he replied that he thought punctuation an fulstops arnt needed innit an english dont need no capital lettrs cos evry1 understands wivout them innit

The reply to this was - Suppose that, by coincidence, we both have an uncle whose name is Jack. Our uncles both ride horses and our uncles, both being elderly, need assistance to dismount at the end of a long ride.
I help my uncle Jack off a horse. What do you do?

 

[pplpilot]

I sometimes lurk on the 'Barry Boys' website (NSFW) which is a forum dedicated to winding up the owners of badly modified cars. One such owner, incensed that his pride and joy was being ridiculed, had joined the site and posted a lengthy mispelled rant wiv no capitalisation or puncutation of any description innit. When further ridiculed about his command of English he replied that he thought punctuation an fulstops arnt needed innit an english dont need no capital lettrs cos evry1 understands wivout them innit

The reply to this was - Suppose that, by coincidence, we both have an uncle whose name is Jack. Our uncles both ride horses and our uncles, both being elderly, need assistance to dismount at the end of a long ride.
I help my uncle Jack off a horse. What do you do?

It took me a long long time to wean myself of Barry Boys. I shudder to think of the hours and hours of my life lost reading that forum, they may have been lost hours but at least they were lost in fits of laughter.

 

[Andrew_Culture]

I apologise if this is a bit ripe for a family forum, but the local bully in my village once yelled 'Andrew sucks cock' in front of his gaggle of mates, about fifty shoppers and a row of folk waiting for the bus.

My response was 'yeah, and you still lower me fifteen quid for it'. I think his friends found it funnier than he did.

 

[Hover Fly]

Back in the summer Moon Bunny and I were sat on the Shamrock tied up outside a pub. One of the small crowd she (the steamboat) always attracts started picking out things like the engine having no guard over the machinery, no covers over hot pipes etc I told them they wern't needed as we knew not to put our hands in there, the busy-body said,"Well, I'm the health and Safety Officer for *****, a pipe manufacturer, and..." at which Bunny came out with "Now there's a childhood ambition acheived."

 

[Primal Scream]

It took me a long long time to wean myself of Barry Boys. I shudder to think of the hours and hours of my life lost reading that forum, they may have been lost hours but at least they were lost in fits of laughter.

It's a great site and to be fair some owners put a lot of time, money and effort into those cars even if they look bloody awful.

 

[BJH]

My favourite short sharp ones from a movie are both from The Commitments:

Outspan the ginger haired one, to Mr Rabbit " Are you still wearing your blue suede shoes?", response back "fark off carrot head"

and Mr Rabbits response to them forming a band, "I bet you U2 will be shitting themselves"

 

[BJH]

Just remembered one that I was on the receiving end of. To put it into context, it was the 80s, kicker shoes were somewhat cool at the time and Gary Glitters penchant for children wasn't known then either.

Aged 16 trying to get into a nightclub, bouncer says not tonight mate.
I ask why not
He says, sorry no trainers
I reply saying they aren't trainers there a pair of kicker shoes
Oh right he says, thought with the white laces they were trainers, in you go then
I walk past him and as I went through the door, bouncer says in a loud voice "Who the fark do you think you are Gary F'ing Glitter"
The whole queue behind me and half a dozen mates pissing them selves laughing at me.

 

[tony111]

My elderly Aunt Mary....." have you been to the hairdressers ? " sister-in-law...."yes""...........aunt replied " were they shut ? "

 

[Primal Scream]

I met my wife just as punk was arriving and she was well into it as was i, one of my mates was married with a kid and was forever taking the mick, one day I had enough and after one remark to many came out with the following.

"Stevie, this weekend Angela and me are off to Brighton to see the Dammed your changing nappies, we will b on the p1ss and taking other substances and Pat (his wife) will be nagging you to finish decorating the bathroom, we will be f*+k1ng at every oppertunity unlike you and boring Pat so how come your taking the p1ss

 

[Radchenister]

*
too many
you're

 

[Bromptonaut]

I got flashed a few years back and told the guy "No thank you, I roll my own".

An original alternative to 'that looks just like a willy only much, much smaller'

 

[Mad Doug Biker]

I have been on the receiving end of many, but one I was proud of giving was at School once. It was about the only football related one I've ever done too.

A large group of boys in metalwork were all arguing how great 'their' team was (mainly Rangers), including one particularly voiceferous individual who was a Partick Thistle fan (yes they do exist). This went on for a while until being a bit bored, I simply asked the PT fan

'Are Partick Thistle still in the first division?'

Which promptly shut him up whilst the other boys started to laugh at him (a bit cruel, I know, but he was at least a good natured chap).

Not being into football, it raised my credibility for all of about 20 minutes, mainly for actually knowing something about football at the time.

 

[Cush]

Old fashioned elderly gent allowed a highly decorated female through a door and kept it open for her. Female to Gentleman "You don't have to keep the door open just because I am a Lady" Gentleman "but I do because I am a Gentleman"

 

[PaulB]

As teenagers we would be terrified of the ignominious walk back empty-handed after plucking up the courage to ask a girl for a dance/date/snog/grope...whatever was on the menu at the time. We came to terms with being rebuffed by one simple strategy; ALWAYS pick the best looker - on the basis that you've got nowhere to go if you start at the metaphorical bottom of the lookers brigade and face the devastation of her turning you down. If you start at the top though, A) you might be lucky - women do love the confident type - and then be the envy of all your mates - and B) having started at the top, if rebuffed you can always adjust your sights more appropriately. Anyway, having asked the million-dollar question, 'do you want to dance?' of the lookers, we began to relish getting the 'what do you think I am, desperate?' line as then we could look back sympathetically and reply, 'no dear, but I am.'

 

[presta]

"I'd rather stick pins in my eyes than go out with you."
"Why choose? Do both."