Can I tell a joke?

[potsy]

You're banned

 

[bauldbairn]

 

[Cubist]

Very good Aperitif! Still don't know if I dare tell mine. It doesn't have the word "Bollocks" in it, but it is a bit blokey......

 

[Rhythm Thief]

Very good Aperitif! Still don't know if I dare tell mine. It doesn't have the word "Bollocks" in it, but it is a bit blokey......

Oh, go on.

 

[Aperitif]

Shall I go for another with the F word in it?

Just a minute...

 

[Cubist]

I think it would be a crushing disappointment after all this build up.

Aperitif, I'll see your F word and raise you a couple of "self-gratification artists"

 

[Aperitif]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, " Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. " Now if you don't
mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Oh, certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the
duck's pint, " it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.
What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the
duck, "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman can hardly believe the duck and wants to
learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. The duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats
his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for the next two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town, the ringmaster comes into the pub
for a pint and the barman says to him. "You're with the circus aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus;
he talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster handing over his business card,
"get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mister Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job paying really good money."

"Ah, I'm always looking for the next job" says the duck, "where is it?"
"At the circus," says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again, "That place with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals which live in cages and performers who live in
caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says....

"So what the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!"

 

[Cubist]

Bit old, but a good 'un nevertheless.

Guy starts a job on a building site and the foreman asks him if he has any questions. " Yes," says the bloke, " are you a betting man?"
""Occasionally" replies the foreman,
"In that case, I bet you a tenner you'll have a hernia by 5 O'clock tonight."
The foreman realises he's got a bit of a mug on his hands and agrees, safe in the knowledge that he can take it easy, and lift nothing heavier than a pack of fags and a mug of tea all day.
"You're on" he says "See you at 5 O'Clock"

5 O'Clock comes and the new guy meets the foreman in the site office. "Well," says the foreman, "I haven't got a hernia, so hand over the tenner!"
"Not so fast" says the bloke, "You'll have to prove it first. Stand in the light and put your knackers on my trowel and cough. We'll soon see whether you have a hernia."
Grinning, the foreman rests his 'nads on the trowel, coughs and proves he hasn't got a hernia. As the guy hands over a tenner he can't help gloating:
"See, you're a pillock! That's the easiest tenner I've ever earned!"

"Maybe" says the bloke, "But see those ten guys up on the hoist watching us? I've bet them twenty quid each I'll have your bollocks on my trowel by teatime!"

 

[Aperitif]

good one.

 

[Aperitif]

An Israeli doctor said,
'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one
person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor said,
'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put
it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'

A Russian doctor said,
'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from
one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in
two weeks.'

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take an
ar$*h01e out of Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the
country looking for work within twenty-four hours.

Roll on the election.

 

[Shaun]

Oi ... it's not all that bad.

You can still tell jokes, just use your common sense.

I just wanted to change the atmosphere. It was becoming a bit blokey in here and I just wanted some more consideration and for people to treat it like a regular cafe - one that you'd stop at whilst out on the Sunday club run.

I know the forum isn't read by kids and that we have a limited number of teens (who may enjoy the odd joke or two themselves), so I'm quite happy for some grown-up jokes and occasional swearing (in moderation, and where appropriate) - inuendo can be great fun too - but if you think your joke may offend people, don't post it. If it does offend, it'll be removed.

Pictures on the other hand don't require reading skills and can be viewed from a distance and by workmate and family alike, so they need more consideration.

If you really aren't sure, just PM it to me and I'll let you know what I think.

Cheers,
Shaun

 

[Cubist]

Hi Shaun, yes, I was only gently tugging a wire or two. Here's the joke, hope it was worth it!

Jim's wife decides to take him to a Lap Dancing Club for his birthday. As they arrive the doorman says "Hi Jim, how's tricks?" His wife turns and says "How did he know you?" , "Err, well, he's on the same football team."

They go up to the bar and the barman says "Evening Jim, the usual?", so Jim turns to his wife and says "Before you say anything, he's on the darts team at the local"

Last straw is when one of the dancers comes up and says "Hiya Jim love, are you having the special tonight?" and so his wife, furious, drags him off outside and flags down a cab. As they get in the driver says "Blimey Jim, you've pulled a minger tonight."

 

[Rhythm Thief]

Well, I like it.

 

[Aperitif]

...could have changed the 'Jim' to 'Shaun' I suppose...

 

[bauldbairn]

Heard it, in several longer versions - not heard the "building site" one or that version of "the duck" one. -