Dave is still worried that more than 5% of the entrants might complete the event so he is arranging for SAS snipers to take up strategic positions on the climbs with orders to take out the weaker climbers.
Descending skills will be tested by the release of flocks of amphetamine-crazed sheep onto the downhill sections of the route.
If too many riders manage to limp in to the final feed-station, 90% of the gels available will be removed and replaced with identical-looking tubes of degreaser.
The surviving 4 riders who get to the end 3 hours after sunset will be greeted by a very impatient mister Lloyd, hopping from one foot to the other, shouting "What the 'eck kept yer, we've been waiting hours. Don't hang about, we want to pack up and go home!"