Fostering.

[EltonFrog]

I was idly pondering charitable and worthy causes on the Ice Bucket thread and it occurred to me that being a Foster Parent is probably a very honourable thing to do and charitable. I had a quick read up about it and learned that Foster Parents get an allowance so it not really a charitable activity.

Then it occurred to me that I don't know and as far as I can recollect, have never met anyone who is a Foster Parent.

Anyone here a Forster Parent, present or past? How'd you get on with it? It seems it could be quite a challenging experience.

 

[stephec]

I used to ride with a bloke that did it.

What surprised me was that sometimes they had someone for nine months making it really hard to let them go.

I'd always thought of it as a short term thing, ie a couple of weeks.

The money sounded quite good but you have the remember that you might not be able to work, or be available for work so not eligible for benefits.

 

[vernon]

I was idly pondering charitable and worthy causes on the Ice Bucket thread and it occurred to me that being a Foster Parent is probably a very honourable thing to do and charitable. I had a quick read up about it and learned that Foster Parents get an allowance so it not really a charitable activity.

Then it occurred to me that I don't know and as far as I can recollect, have never met anyone who is a Foster Parent.

Anyone here a Forster Parent, present or past? How'd you get on with it? It seems it could be quite a challenging experience.

One of my colleagues is a foster parent or rather, one half of a fostering family. She's had a quite a few children pass through, some for a matter of weeks some for five or six years. There have been trials and tribulations - thieving, wrecking of furniture, major tantrums but these have been outweighed by the visible benefits bestowed upon all of the children in their temporary care - stability, positive behavioural changes and regular attendance at school. She pointed out, it's not a get rich quick scheme. Her husband is a house husband and he could earn a lot more with a conventional job.

 

[Ganymede]

My husband's very lovely ex fosters young immigrant boys from places like Pakistan and Afghanistan. I couldn't do it! Yes it's not charity but there's no real money in it - you really do do it for love and duty. (And I think there should be remuneration, I'm sure @CarlP you didn't mean anyone should be out of pocket - the country needs someone to do this work.) Agree with Vernon - there is a huge payoff from it but it can be very hard work emotionally. If you love parenting, like our friend does, I think it can be really worthwhile and an amazing way to contribute to the community.

 

[compo]

I was fostered a few times when a child in care. Back then (early 1950's) they tended to be well meaning people with little idea. I believe now they receive lots of training and support which is good. Back to me, I never wanted to be fostered and generally one to two weeks was enough for them to put up with me before I was sent back to the children's home!

 

[Louch]

Parents have fostered for 20 odd years, over 50 kids mostly in longer term care. You get money for it, but remembering its a 24/7 role it's hardly a salary as such. We have 4 kids just now. By far hardest to give up are the day 1 babies you get before they get adopted, as they grow up with you until moved on at 18 months-2years

 

[EltonFrog]

Parents have fostered for 20 odd years, over 50 kids mostly in longer term care. You get money for it, but remembering its a 24/7 role it's hardly a salary as such. We have 4 kids just now. By far hardest to give up are the day 1 babies you get before they get adopted, as they grow up with you until moved on at 18 months-2years

Do you mean your parents have fostered for 20 odd years?

 

[vernon]

Do you mean your parents have fostered for 20 odd years?

Shift work. One year one, one year off.....

 

[PaulB]

We decided to be foster parents two and a half years ago and went through an increasingly intense training programme to assess our suitability and see whether or not this would suit us. We were on the course with twelve other couples but only three of them made it and have actually gone on to foster. We were informed by a very pleasant case worker assigned to us that we could withdraw from the process at any time and continued on for more than two years until one situation in particular made our combined minds up. We also had to go through enhanced CRB checks to check our backgrounds although my wife has hers done regularly anyway due to her job.

My wife is a clinical nurse manager daily dealing with abused and damaged children in care so knew a great deal more than I did but eventually the increasing and intrusive questioning bordering on interrogation became too much even for her.

The specific straw that broke the camel's back came about by the authority's intrusive demand for information on our own beautiful grand-son and their dictatorial demands on how we should behave around him! They asked to spend a day with us when we were with our grand-son. They then 'observed' us and told us in no uncertain terms what we were doing wrong! We raised our two sons to be fine young men so won't accept instructions from anyone, least of all the interfering state, over how we should conduct ourselves around children. We shouldn't pick him up or cuddle him for instance. Despite this being the most natural thing in the world (Sam was 18 months old at the time), it would set a dangerous precedent as we most certainly would not be able to hold or cuddle a foster child in our care and so we should treat all children with us consistently or it would be considered unfair.

We could find no acceptable way out of that impossible conundrum and won't be taking instructions form any do-gooder about our conduct around our grandchildren so we withdrew. It is our opinion that state interference is too restrictive and is certainly doing more harm than good. OK, we know they want to keep out the creeps who want access to children for nefarious purposes but once bona-fides have been established, surely it's time for the state to back off and allow individuals to do what they know best to do and not try to enforce people to raise children by some social worker's book.

 

[vernon]

The specific straw that broke the camel's back came about by the authority's intrusive demand for information on our own beautiful grand-son and their dictatorial demands on how we should behave around him! They asked to spend a day with us when we were with our grand-son. They then 'observed' us and told us in no uncertain terms what we were doing wrong! We raised our two sons to be fine young men so won't accept instructions from anyone, least of all the interfering state, over how we should conduct ourselves around children. We shouldn't pick him up or cuddle him for instance. Despite this being the most natural thing in the world (Sam was 18 months old at the time), it would set a dangerous precedent as we most certainly would not be able to hold or cuddle a foster child in our care and so we should treat all children with us consistently or it would be considered unfair.

That's a major problem with management of adults working with children. Manuals have been written, policies and procedures formulated and implemented as though working with children is an industrial process with a relevant BSI specification that had to be implemented without fear or favour else the 'quality' of the 'product' would be compromised.

Let the managers be the ones to be dispassionate automatons and let the troops function as caring humans I say.

 

[vernon]

[QUOTE 3251092, member: 45"]

That's ridiculous. It very much depends on who is doing the assessing. Another worker and you'd have none of that.
[/QUOTE]

There 'doing things by the book' and being human. Some folk cannot function without the rigid application of theory driven policies.

 

[Batgirl]

I was idly pondering charitable and worthy causes on the Ice Bucket thread and it occurred to me that being a Foster Parent is probably a very honourable thing to do and charitable. I had a quick read up about it and learned that Foster Parents get an allowance so it not really a charitable activity.

Then it occurred to me that I don't know and as far as I can recollect, have never met anyone who is a Foster Parent.

Anyone here a Forster Parent, present or past? How'd you get on with it? It seems it could be quite a challenging experience.

I was a foster carer (no longer called parents in the authority I worked for), for 5 years. It's not charitable because they ask that you are not working - to be there for the child(ren) full time. Often one partner works but not the other.
It IS very challenging, very rewarding, very intrusive at times (due to social workers coming to your home often, contact for the child(ren) etc). BUT overall very fulfilling. I was fostered as a child so that was the draw of my interest, the assessment alone took nearly a year and goes right through your life history with a fine tooth comb, so be prepared to be completely open. We've also had a lot of visits from the police (not at our doing but the children who were with us being involved in drugs or staying out overnight / running away from time to time - it happens and still makes me feel a failure admitting it but we were respected carers so I'm sure they'd have told us otherwise had it been a reflection on us).

We only stopped fostering because we no longer had a spare room (our 3rd child arrived). We did ages 0-18 years so had a lot of babies who went onto adoption, some middle aged children and teenagers - and yes we fostered well over double figures in the 5 years due to some placements coming in to care on a temporary basis. the older ones have a lot of baggage but the babies come with a whole heap of things you don't associate with tiny babies, we had a drug addicted baby who was weaning off, and a baby from a psych unit mother and baby ward who had no attachment so that was urgently needed to ensure baby formed the right mental schemas for positive attachment in the future. Then of course there are children with sexualised behaviour due to sexual abuse etc. However, social services are supportive in helping you identify areas you can't work in and will help you avoid these - there was a foster carer in our training course who felt she couldn't cope with looking after a child who had been sexually abused - not the childs fault but she wouldn't be able to cope knowing what had happened. We personally never refused a child, even with complex needs.

Hope this gives you a bit of insight of our experience and why it's not charitable in the sense that it's paid.

 

[Chromatic]

There 'doing things by the boo' and being human. Some folk cannot function without the rigid application of theory driven policies.

Scary when that happens isn't it?

 

[vernon]

Scary when that happens isn't it?

It's still scary when it's spelt correctly.

The objective judgement of the managers rarely coincide with the subjective judgement of the underlings.

 

[PaulB]

[QUOTE 3251092, member: 45"]

That's ridiculous. It very much depends on who is doing the assessing. Another worker and you'd have none of that.
[/QUOTE]
It wasn't a single worker but the full team who were all in agreement on that issue.

One very nice couple on the same training as us had two small children themselves so when they heard they would not be allowed to a) let their own children in to the parental bed EVER b) have one parent bathe their own children by themselves - both parents had to be there c) cuddle, hug or kiss their own children - that would be inappropriate for the foster kids so was showing inconsistency d) have to pay to have their King Charles spaniel assessed by a state-appointed animal psychologist for behaviour issues and then buy extra dog insurance or get rid of their dog - it was at that point they converted from the fostering charade to an adoption process.