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Friday Joke time...........

Discussion in 'CycleChat Cafe' started by litespeeder, 12 Oct 2007.

  1. litespeeder

    litespeeder New Member

    Location:
    Stockport
    First for starters....

    A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

    The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and watching him fidjit. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

    Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and in the end, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
     
  2. ChrisW

    ChrisW Senior Member

    Tee hee..:blush: :angry: :biggrin: :sad:
     
  3. ChrisW

    ChrisW Senior Member

    Silly ones for a chuckle:



    met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'

    This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

    I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'

    I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'

    I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

    Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU!
    I said 'Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said 'No, I've got china in my hand.'

    I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'

    I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'

    I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'

    My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

    I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said,'You've got cholera.'

    I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

    I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

    I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

    The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work?? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'

    I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'

    This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'

    I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'

    I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'

    This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'

    I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first'
    He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'

    I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

    I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

    I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar'. I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

    I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
    He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'

    I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I take out The Elephant Man?' He said, 'He's not your type.' I said 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

    Local police have found a hole in the high street,they are looking into it

    The local police station was burgled and all the toilets stolen,police say they have nothing to go on
     
  4. A man goes to see Mel Gibson's new movie "The Passion of Christ" and is inspired to take his whole family to Israel to see the places where Jesus lived and died.
    While on vacation, his mother-in-law dies.

    An undertaker in Tel Aviv explains that they can ship the body home at a cost of $10,000 or the mother-in-law could be buried in Israel for US $500.

    The man says, "We'll ship her home."

    The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."
    The man says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
     
  5. bonj2

    bonj2 Guest

    very good :blush:
     
  6. betty swollocks

    betty swollocks large member

    :biggrin:Thanks for those!
     
  7. Elmer Fudd

    Elmer Fudd Miserable Old Bar Steward

    Don't shag a dwarf with Downs Syndrome.


    It ain't big and it ain't clever.




    (Sick, I know)
     
  8. vbc

    vbc Guest

    Location:
    Bristol
    But it is distasteful.
     
  9. ChrisW

    ChrisW Senior Member

    I laughed out loud:biggrin:

    So we are both definitely going to hell, see you there Elmer.