Friday joke time


New Member
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife
looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE! : "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "sh;t."

Twenty Inch

New Member
Behind a desk
I was down the pub the other day, got talking to an lady in her mid-forties, but still very fit and obviously looked after herself. There was a bit of a spark between us, and anyway, long story short, she leaned over and asked me if I wanted a bit of "Sportsman's Double" action. "What's that?" I asked. "You know", she breathed, "mother-and-daughter action". "Cor, yes," sez I, and we went around her place. As she opened the front door, we went in, she turned on the lights and yelled up the stairs

In the queue at Tesco a busty blond catches a blokes eye. He can't believe she's looking at him but she waves. He asks "do I know you?" She says "yes, I think you're the farther of one of my children".
He gulps, remembering his one and only act of infidelity then asks, "are you that dirty stripper I shagged on the pool table on my stag do while your mate whipped me and shoved a cucumber up my arse?"
"NO" she replied, "i'm you sons teacher!".:-)
A passenger plane traveling to California is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean.

The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive. After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores.

Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on.

Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life. As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is...its Kylie Minogue!

Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love. One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new

found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face. She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong. "Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feeling there's something missing."

Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do anything".
"Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"
"And my trousers?"

At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips. "OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way."

"OK dear, whatever will make you happy?"

So off they set. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts:

"Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging'!!



I went to the doctors a few days ago. I had been feeling a bit "low" and decided to go for a full medical. After a while the doctor said "you'll have to stop masturbating". I asked "why?" The doctor replied: "Because I am trying to examine you."


Legendary Member
It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. At the front door Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.
'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' he says.

'That''s cool.' says Bobby.

Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's father responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.'

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, 'Whaaaat?'

'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue''s father, 'Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!'

Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear as he mentally revises the night's plans. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, 'Have a good evening, kids!'

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: 'Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It's called the twist!!'
Magnus Magnusson: And tonight we have Alan Sinclair, a university lecturer from Minehead. And what is your special subject this evening, Alan?

Alan Sinclair: Masturbation!

MM: You can't answer questions about masturbation!

AS: I've started, so I'll finish.


Legendary Member
Two statues stood in a city park: one female and the other male. These statues faced each other for many years.
Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.

After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.

Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

Smiling, the female statue said,

"Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"
Dayvo and BigFatTallBloke are riding down a country lane and WVM appears, heading straight towards them, mobile in one hand, pasty in the other. Big crash and Dayvo and BFTB are dead.

3 weeks later, Dayvo and BFTB are in Hell, and really not enjoying it, so Dayvo goes to see the Devil 'Devil, is there any way I can get out of here? I can't stand the heat and the beatings and the food's awful. I'll do anything.

The Devil thinks about this and finally says 'Well, there is one way out of here; you have to have sex with the three ugliest women in here.'

'OK' says Dayvo, 'I'll give it a go.'

So off he goes and finds Anne Widdicombe, whose body hadn't been found for 4 months after her death, and the rats had chewed her face. So Dayvo holds his nose, jumps aboard etc etc and then goes to see the Devil.
'Well done, that's the 3rd ugliest, two to go.'

So off Dayvo goes, and finds the Queen Mum, who as you can imagine is not looking to go. Anyway, Dayvo does the business, sees the Devil and is told one to go.

So off Dayvo goes, and finds Queen Victoria, who after rotting in Hell for about 100 years is in a pretty bad state. Dayvo girds his loins and does what's necessary.

'Well done,' says the Devil, 'that's the lot. Take the stairs by the window and you'll be in Heaven in no time.'

'Great,' thinks Dayvo, and heads for the stairs. As he's passing the window he notices BFTB having the time of his life with Kelly Brooks. 'That's not fair' he thinks, and goes off to ask the Devil what's going on.

'How come I had to sleep with all those hideous women, and BFTB is having the time of his life with Kelly Brooks?'

'Ah', says the Devil,

'Even the women have to get out somehow!

(Sorry BFTB)
Rumsfeld tells Dubya - bad news, a bomb in Baghdad has just killed 9 brazilians.

Dubya - that's terrible. Sits with head in hands for 30 mins, then asks,

'Tell me again, how many is a 'brazilian'?
Nice one, stick! :smile:

I was planning on meeting up with BTFB on a return to Essex after Christmas, but it sounds like he might hamper my pulling chances! ;)

Mind you, those three examples you gave sound a lot more appealing on some of the women I've, er, 'dated'. :becool:

A mounted policeman was on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
"Nice bike," the policeman said." Did you get it from Father Christmas?"
"Yes," the little girl said, "I did!"
The policeman looked at the bike, wrote out a £25 fine and gave it to the girl.
The policeman said, "Next year tell Father Christmas to put a reflector on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the policeman and said, "Nice horse you got there, did you get it from Father Christmas, too?"
"Yes, I did," the policeman chuckled.
The little girl looked up at the policeman and said, "Next year tell Father Christmas that the prick is underneath the horse, not on the back of it."


New Member
Colne, Lancs
A man goes into the pub, you know the type of pub: the type of pub where jokes are born. It is flat rooved and smells something of stale booze. The man goes in, takes a seat at the bar and orders a pint of bitter, it's a normal bitter, just the local stuff - not too bad, not too great: just average, the bitter that jokes are made of. The guy, being on his own, and being a stranger to this pub, has a look around, and sees a guy that takes his attention.
"Mate", the guy says to the bar man, "why does that man have a head like an orange?"
"Oh, that's Jim, one of the regulars, buy him a few drinks and I'm sure he'll tell you the tale of how he got his citrusy head."
The bar man looks up, gets the eye of Jim and beckons him over.
"Jim, this guy", he says, "wants to know the story of your miraculous orangey head."
Jim takes the seat next to our protaganist and looks at him.
"Joe", Jim says to the bar man (for that is the barman's name), "can you get me a pint of whatever he's having and a whisky chaser. This guy'll pay you."
Joe brings the drinks over and wanders off to polish the pint glasses.
"Ah, where do I begin?" says Jim, "I suppose I should start with the death of my mother, for that's where it begins: with mum's death. She died about three years ago, just keeled over and died, right there. I took care of the funeral arrangements, you know, selling the house and all that stuff."
"Jim, are you going to get to the point? How did you get to the citrus head bit?"
"Don't interrupt, I'll get there soon enough. Right, so, I sold the house soon after the funeral. i obviously had to clear it out before we could complete the sale, I had to sell all that stuff too. Her loft was more full than you'll ever believe, it was just full of stuff constantly, she was always adding to it, bric a brac, broken stuff, she was a bit of a hoarder see - always buying anything at the jumble.
'All in a good cause" she used to say, although she never really wanted any of it.
The first day I was up there I wept, cried and cried, just seeing it and thinking of her: all this stuff was her. But, pretty soon I put feelings aside, I got to the job in hand, which was clearing up all the mess in the loft. I packed for days and days. Just putting it all into box after box after box. Eventually I got to the end of it all, the last few bits and bobs; there were five things left: a stuffed robin, a small birdcage, a motorbike helmet, two candle sticks and a lamp. I'll always remember those five things, as they seem so disconnected from each other: anyway, the lamp. Do you know which kind I mean? Like a panto kind - not a table lamp or whatever - but a dusty old paraffin lamp. I rubbed it, more out of interest than anything else; perhaps inevitably it went woosh, a plume of smoke came out, and a tubby old arabian man flew out.
'Right, you know the drill, I've done this a million times, and you lot have read arabian nights' the guy said, 'you have three wishes. You can't wish for more wishes, you can't wish for people to fall in love with you, and because I'm a bit peeved that you woke me up, you have until midnight tomorrow to use them, or else they're all null and void.'
Wow, I said to him, that's really generous of you. This puts me into a real metaphysical dilemma, because I'm a rationalist I can't believe in genies and fairies and stuff, but ta.
'I'm not a fairy, what are you implying?'
Anyway, I took my first wish. I'd like billions I said, all the money in the world. I want to be so rich that I can solve all of Africa's problems, cancel their debt and still have enough that I can have a golden house.
'I'm pretty sure that's a logical impossibility, as cancelling the debt might really screw up the global economy. But, I'll give it a try.'
So, try he did, I checked my bank balance then and there: it had more zeros on the end of it than I could comprehend. I cancelled the debt, was still richer than Bill Gates and bought myself a golden house. You might be able to see it, it's up there on the hill.

The genie, who i found out was called Dave, went back into the lamp to bed, as he was: 'fecking knackered', or so he said. I was left to mull over all of my thoughts. With all this money, I couldn't think of anything else I wanted to have at the moment.
The next morning, i rubbed the lamp again.
"Right Jim, what can I get you?" he said
World peace, I answered.
'Done. Wow Jim, all of the complex political and economic questions of our age are really answered quite easily - just a little bit of magic and problems go away. So much for the enlightenment and all that progress. See you later.'
I watched the news. it was unprecedented: all that was on the news were those bits and the end, you know with water-skiing squirrels and donkeys that can talk French and stuff. There was no more war, so everyone was just hugging. I watched footage of Iraqis and Americans just having a nice old cuddle. kurds were walking hand in hand with turks. I'm sure you noticed it when all that war stopped."
"Oh yeah", said our man in the bar, "I remember that day, it was all a bit weird. i baked a cake for my neighbour. I can't believe that all of this stuff was caused by you. i've always looked at the golden house and thought: who owns that? Where did they get all the money fot the gold? Is it plated or is it solid gold? But, still, you haven't really explained what I wanted you to. And with all that money, surely you can pay for the pint?"
"I only want conversation, I'll buy all of your pints for the night, for the rest of your life if you want. It is solid gold, yeah: the knocker's made of platinum, but the rest is gold. Right, back to the story. With all that hugging and stuff, I got really distracted for the rest of the day. Do you remember the sing song when everyone held hands and sang songs like 'love can build a bridge?' That took fecking hours. It really absorbed all my time, harmonising is a real effort. Anyway, the day drew in and I went home, if only for a shower. As I was showering Dave appeared.
'Right, Jim, it's 11:59, you've got 27 seconds to decide, or else you'll lose your golden house, this golden shower, and all the peace.'
'Dave, I'm nude, and it's not a 'golden shower', it is a shower made of gold. Don't call it that again.
'10, 9, 8, 7' he said. He'd really caught me on the fly, and I panicked. I don't know why I said it."
Jim paused and sipped his pint, he licked his lips to build up the suspension.
"Jim, for goodness sake, you're killing me here." our wandering hero asked.
"Well... I just said... I don't know why I said it... I couldn't help myself, it was all a spur of the moment thing"
"WHAT? Arrrghh, you're killing me, i really need to pee."
"Well... I just said: 'I've always wondered what it'd be like to have a head like an orange."
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