Friday joke

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New Member
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, "Mary. Mary."
"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Cornwall."

Keith Oates

Penarth, Wales
Like it:biggrin:


Smutmaster General
A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."
Two old friends, Alan and Richard, have been friends for as long as they can remember; they’re both now in their eighties. They both played cricket avidly in their earlier days and are now devoted spectators of the “Summer Game”.

One day whilst sitting at The Oval watching a game, Richard turns to Alan and says, “you know Alan we’ve been friends for the last 80 years or more and we’ve enjoyed cricket all that time”

Alan replies “Yes”

“Well” Richard continues “we’ve both had a good innings and are now getting towards the point were we’ve got to carry our bat for the dignified last walk back to the pavilion”

“Yes” says Alan

“Do you think they have cricket in heaven?” asks Richard.

Alan replies “I don’t know; but, if one of us takes the walk to the pavilion before the other, let’s promise that if it’s at all possible, we will come back and let the other know.”

“Sounds good to me” says Richard.

Anyway a couple of months later Alan fails ill and unfortunately three days later, takes the long walk back to the pavilion.

About a week after Alan dies, Richard is asleep in bed; when about midnight he is woken by a voice he recognises as Alan’s.

Alan says “We agreed that the first one would come back and let the other know if there was cricket in heaven.”

Richard answers “Yes”

Well says Alan “There is some good news and some bad news, which would you like first?”

Richard thinks for a moment and answers “I’ll have the good news first please”

So Alan starts with the good news “There is cricket in heaven, and the weather is always a warm spring afternoon.” He continues “All our old friends are here and you have the strength and vitality of your youth, so that you can bat and bowl all day without getting tried; and the afternoon teas are to die for.”

Richard says ”That’s great; but, what’s the bad news then?”

Alan replies “You’re opening the batting for us next Tuesday!”


New Member
A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night.

5% said it was to get a glass of water,

12% said it was to go the toilet,

83% said it was to go home.


Legendary Member
Husband asks wife"why dont you tell me when your having an orgasm?"

wife replies"i dont like to ring you at work"
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