Friday joke

fuzzy29

New Member
Location
Somerset
A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
"Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "When I was 6 I got the 'There's no Santa' speech.
At 7, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
When I was 8, you hit me with the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.

If you tell me that grown-ups don't really shag each other..........I'll have nothing left to live for."
;)
 

Sh4rkyBloke

Jaffa Cake monster
Location
Manchester, UK
Lol, nice one!! ;)
 

Tetedelacourse

New Member
Location
Rosyth
A postman bumps into his mate after a day of delivering. Just as he's about to say hello, the second postman suddenly turns round and stamps on a snail, killing it.

"Why did you do that?" he asks.

His pal replies "That wee creep's been following me around all day."
 

gbb

Legendary Member
Location
Peterborough
As old as the hills, but made me chuckle today...

Duck walks into a bar..
'Have you got any bread ?'

No says the barman..we sell beer

Duck walks into bar the next day..
'Have you got any bread ?'

No says the barman..we sell beer

This happens again on the third day...and the barman says.
If you ask again...i'll nail your beak to the bar ;)

Next day, the duck walks into the bar
'Have you got any nails ?'

:biggrin:!No says the barman...

Got any bread then....says the duck
 

col

Veteran
Jade goody has apparently decided to change her name, and adopt the muslim faith to prove she isnt racist.She wants to be known as "Yaffat fouqa"
 
OP
fuzzy29

fuzzy29

New Member
Location
Somerset
Two blokes are pushing their shopping trolleys around a supermarket when they collide.
The first bloke says to the second bloke, "Sorry about that, I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going".
The second bloke says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence, I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate".
The first bloke says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like"?
The second bloke says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, 5 feet 11 inches tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, big jubblies, long legs and is wearing tiny little shorts and a crop top. What does your wife look like?"
The first bloke says, "Doesn't matter, let's look for yours."
 

alecstilleyedye

nothing in moderation
Moderator
A man falls asleep on the beach and gets a terrible dose of sunburn. He is taken to hospital and is promptly diagnosed with second degree burns.
The Doctor prescribes a saline drip, electrolytes, a sedative and a Viagra Pill every four hours. The nurse is rather astounded and asks “What good will Viagra do him now Doctor?”












It’ll keep the sheets off his legs!!!
 

alecstilleyedye

nothing in moderation
Moderator
A man walks into the pub where his wife works. He is carring a chicken under his arm and he turns to his wife and says "look - this is the pig i'v been shagging"
His wife says "thats not a pig, its a chicken"
He replys "i wasnt talking to you"
 
alecstilleyedye said:
A man walks into the pub where his wife works. He is carring a chicken under his arm and he turns to his wife and says "look - this is the pig i'v been shagging"
His wife says "thats not a pig, its a chicken"
He replys "i wasnt talking to you"

C'mon, you can't just go stealing recently posted jokes from other forums!!!
 
OP
fuzzy29

fuzzy29

New Member
Location
Somerset
A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
 
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