Friday Joke

[alecstilleyedye]

pinched from the other cakestop, but worthy

I recently heard of a couple who married after a whirlwind romance lasting only a couple of weeks.

On their honeymoon sitting by the pool at their hotel the man turned to his new bride and said “Isn’t it wonderful darling, we have the rest of our lives to find out about each other” and with that he strode on to the spring board and leapt 12 feet into the air performing a double somersault with twist and making a perfect entry into the pool. He proceeded to do three more perfect dives with pikes, somersaults and twists.

He came back to where his wife was sitting and she said “Wow that was fantastic” to which he replied “Thank you darling, you know I used to be an Olympic diver”. His bride then walked towards the pool, dived in and swam a powerful stroke for 30 lengths, and then when she came back she was hardly out of breath. Impressed he said to her “that was fantastic; did you used to be an Olympic swimmer?” “No” she said “I used to be a hooker in Venice and worked both sides of the canal”.

:?: :?:

 

[fuzzy29]

A guy takes his car to the local garage and tells the mechanic that its miss-firing and spluttering all the time.
The mechanic says he will have a look at it and to come back in an hour.
The guy goes back and asks the mechanic if he had fixed it.
"Yes its running perfectly now", was the reply.
"What was the problem", he asks.
"Oh simple it was just a case of sh*t in your air filter"
"My God How Many Times Do I Have To Do That", was the stunned reply

 

[Keith Oates]

They are certainly a couple of good ones to get me smiling before going to bed. It's 2200 hours here BTW!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[andy_wrx]

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, “Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.”

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, “What would you say is my best feature?”

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, “It's got to be your ears.”

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, “My ears? Look at these breasts, they are full, and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?”

Clearing his throat, he stammered.... “Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me.”

 

[longers]

andy - :?: :?:

 

[twentysix by twentyfive]

:?: :?:

 

[OldSeagul]

A Scottish man is lying on his deathbed.
"Are my son's here?"
The eldest son says "Yes father, you're sons are here."
"Are my daughters here?"
"Yes father," the son replies, "You're daughters are here."
"Is all my family here?"
"Yes father, all the family is here."
"Then why is the kitchen light on!"

 

[twentysix by twentyfive]

Now Now - are you sure it wasn't a Yorkshire man :?:

 

[Hugh Jarse]

I went to see the nurse for my annual health check. She said I should stop playing with myself. I asked, "Why?" She said, "Because I'm trying to examine you." Have a good weekend all.

 

[Dayvo]

Q). What's worse than your doctor telling you that you've got VD?

A). Your dentist.

 

[TheDoctor]

Couple in bed together and she says 'Darling, I need to tell you something. I used to be a hooker!'

'Wow!' he says.
'That's a bit of a surprise, but it's...kind of exciting. Tell me all about it.'

'Well, my name was Owen and I played for Llanelli!'

I thank you. :?: